It's the summer of 2014 in America and I have no idea how I have watched almost the entire 10th season of The Bachelorette because it is just SO OBVIOUS that Andi loves Josh and most of her other favorites are gross.

A lot of it I think has to do with the other guys, the ones who are not gross and who are instead decent and handsome and charismatic in a way that would make you want to approach them at the grocery store. This really has been a good season for those kind of guys.

One of these men will be called up to be the next Bachelor. According to history, which favors the also-rans, it will probably be Nick. This is a terrible idea. Some alternatives:


My friends and I call Chris "Old Bill Engvall," which is absolutely an insult, except that Chris' worse qualities—his tallness, topped by an aging hair cut; warm smiles, which squint his eyes—can spontaneously seem very appealing. He plugs right into the Bachelor/Ken doll machine. Chris the Farmer! As in the home town episode, where he sexily drove a tractor and sexily commissioned some sky writing and was sexily committed to his family's vision of small town utopia. Chris' mom is not currently accepting applications for a new best friend, I already checked, but I gave her my resume anyway.


Marcus is our amateur stripper. We have seen him in his underwear twice this season! (Which is a lot for a show like this, which you think would be steamy but is mostly set at dinner tables in empty castle plazas at night.) Marcus' hair is thinning a little, which might not be your thing but IS my thing, surprisingly, and he feels things quite openly and deeply, including his sexiness. When the cast learned that former contestant Eric had been killed, he was the first to start crying.


I'm afraid that Brian is the nicest basketball coach who has ever lived and his head is the perfect shape beneath his close-cropped hair; and it isn't weird that he doesn't know to talk to women, you're weird, leave Brian alone. For a while I was sure that Andi only kept him around because he was a coach of something, because she kept calling him "coach" instead of his name, and I still think that. But there's more to Brian, like his obscene flashes of decency (calling out Nick over a glass of whine) and banality (he is pickle-phobic).


My friends and I call JJ "cute Bill Nye," which is absolutely a compliment, except that JJ can occasionally not be his best self, even when he tries. You want to like him and you also wonder if maybe all the terrible things people say about tall people are true. I can tell you this: JJ looks incredible with a beard, but never wears a beard on the show. He once had to dress up like an old person on a date, and he laughed through most of it. So maybe!


Marquel barely cracked the top 10, so he probably has no shot, but hear me out. He's the most attractive person on this list. That is not a question. And he has an audacity that in harsher lights you'd probably call crazy. Look at the power clashing. Really look at it. The Bachelor/ette is a franchise about fantasy—that falling in love is easy; that falling in love is easy in any circumstance; that falling in love is easiest in the most artificial circumstances and hey let's dress up as old people today—and it needs many impossibilities like we need air. The impossibility it does not need is a Bachelor/ette of color and if it's going to be anyone today, or tomorrow, in 2014, it might as well be Marquel.

[Images via ABC]

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