This week on The Bachelorette, Andi learns a very valuable lesson about how, sometimes, the guy who's been constantly drinking in the house might have an alcohol problem. Also, is Eric the perfect man? The answer might surprise you. (No it won't. The answer is "yes.")

With the getting to know your name part out of the way (for Andi—I still barely know these guys' names), it's time to get to the good stuff. That's right, first dates. It's Date Week! Is this the appropriate reaction to Date Week? Again, this is my first time watching this show. Isn't every week now "Date Week?" Either way, there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date (which actually breaks down into one-on-one "dates," the only difference being no helicopters or old couple plants).

For the one-on-one dates, Andi chooses the obvious choices (to me, at least) of Eric and Brian the Farmer. Because of his profession as "explorer," I suppose, Andi's date with Eric begins at the beach. They make sandcastles, and I finally cringe at something Eric says to the camera. "What's kinda nice is I can say we've already built our first home, together."

Just… keep looking the way you do, kid. No more of that.

Luckily, a helicopter shows up to stop that, taking them to Bear Mountain, where Andi walks on the snow barefoot like a crazy person for a few seconds before they get the appropriate clothing (honestly, I was really worried they'd catch pneumonia) and receive a snowboarding tutorial from a snowboarder named Louie Vito, who sounds exactly how you'd expect a snowboarder named Louie Vito to sound.

So now, Andi says "gnarly" instead of "Cali," and I regret everything.

Andi calls the date "epic" a million times (even drunk Logan Echolls would tell her to calm down), and despite the lack of thesaurus, she's not wrong. I once saw Lincoln on a date, so I definitely know the opposite of "epic," at least.

Eric talks about how when he finally settles down with a family, he'll slow down in his career, and there goes the heart pangs I get where I remember that not getting the chance to slow down is what killed him. So I distract myself with the fact that The Bachelorette's camera must use soap opera filters, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. They won't make Cody look less Macklemore-y.

So you can probably assume, Eric gets the rose.

While the date with Eric is a technically perfect situation (and even has Andi addressing the fact that the dude is literally perfect), it lacks my new favorite aspect of any reality show: the old couple transplanted straight out of a romantic comedy. Honestly, if that old woman had found a way to shoehorn in an "I'll have what she's having" (maybe next time Andi and Brian the Farmer are out), I would have stood up and applauded my screen.

Let me back up. Andi's date with Brian is at the racetrack, because like I always say, nothing screams romance like abused horses. Brian meets Andi there, sorely under-dressed, because he's a farmer, then cleans up and wears a bow tie. The bow tie gives him points, but the "I feel like Pretty Woman" line gives him the universe. I am awarding Brian the Farmer the universe.

Then this old couple tries to get their 15 minutes of fame (or maybe were hired—we'll obviously never know) by asking Andi and Brian how long they've been together. It becomes a "how do you know when someone's the one" conversation, and I wonder how many takes it took for everyone involved not to laugh at this.

The date ends (and yeah, Brian definitely gets a rose too) with a really terrible concert for two where the lead singer keeps singing the lyrics "Am I meant to be alone?" but no one notices because it's just so "romantic." Let me tell you, this band's performance is the Lincoln of performances, but Andi and Brian really sell the romance.

The group date is all about eye candy and features guys like Marquel, Craig (whose name I only remember because of his alcoholism), Cody, and Josh M. the former baseball player. I'm very confused about the date structure of this show:

If you're not on the one-on-one date, shouldn't you automatically be on the group date? What do you do if you're not in either? Twiddle your thumbs? Drink more because even Craig was called on the group date? Aren't you kind of automatically screwed if the Bachelorette wants nothing to do with you even in group setting? Why wouldn't the show clarify what charity or even type of charity The Bachelor Gives Back gives to?

Anyway, the situation isn't so much a "date" as it is a Magic Mike fantasy. Or nightmare, if you find yourself as unattracted to most of these men as I do. Male stripping for "charity"! There's "army men," firemen (Carl, who is a man that is on this show, happens to be a real life firefighter, so it's like method stripping), cowboys, and somehow Nick S. the golf player ends up being a robot. That last part is more creepy than it is attractive, so no wonder he doesn't get a rose.

But not all is well in Bacheloretteville. (That's where they live, right?) After the mess that was the group date, Craig does what he does best: drink. Only this time, people have a problem with it. He interrupts Andi's one-on-one time with other dudes, slurs his words (which, honestly, he does everytime he speaks), jumps into the pool with his clothes on, and pushes bros who get in his way. Simply put, he's not here for the right reasons, and Andi is very upset about it. Very upset. The whole episode was building to this, after all.

So come the rose ceremony, he's gone, as are Nick S. and Carl the firefighter, who, now that I know he exists, I find myself slightly attracted to. I don't want to tell Andi how to do her new job, but... Maybe someone should tell her how do to her new job.

Another week, another rose ceremony. And apparently, there's going to be a two night Bachelorette event starting this Sunday! Boyz II Men will be here for some reason! Will they be here for the right reasons? What is this show?

[Images via ABC]

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