​All You Need to Know About TV This Weekend

If for some reason you are such an outlaw that you aren't bothering to watch Orange Is The New Black this weekend—or so ahead of the curve that you're already done—then let's get together and talk about the other stuff going on.

FRIDAY

At 8/7c. you've got a couple of episodes of Betty White's Off Their Rockers, which trust me you already know if you're the kind of person that is into that, or you could check out Brian Williams's funky fresh flow as he discusses the events of D Day in an NBC News Special. If you are sad about only getting one hour of programming about D Day, trust me you are in luck, because everything is D Day today. Today is D Day Day.

To wit: At 9/8c. you can the first two hours of a History Channel special, which they are proudly touting is in HD, because the History Channel is perpetually confused by things like, what is history? And, what is HD? History Channel's special on the martial use of Unicorns At Thermopylae was totally in HD, but it kind of had to be. Otherwise there's another hour of

Say Yes To The Dress, What Would You Do, and Marriage Boot Camp, which is a strange set of things to air opposite each other considering those are all made for the same person.

At 10/9c. I'm going to again recommend Discovery's Chrome Underground, based mostly on the fact that I wish I was a hacker from the '90s so I could call myself Chrome Underground, because that is rad. Bill Maher's inviting, as usual, lots of people who are vastly more appealing than him to have some frank discussions about our country on HBO. Or if you are into more interesting and/or fantastical things, you could see about the second episode of Crossbones on NBC, or check out the beginning of the last act of Continuum's stellar third season on Syfy.

Somewhere around midnight Comedy Central's Half Hour makes its third season debut (Chris DiStefano/Michael Che), and I will probably watch it, but really all I want by that point in the night is to watch old episodes of Adam DeVine's House Party, because he is my favorite person in the whole entire world.

SATURDAY

At 8/7c. you can either Bet On Your Baby or watch the Stanley Cup finals, but either way I won't be joining you. Nothing personal, I just don't know what hockey is. Or the odds on babies.

At 9/8c. 50 Cent's Starz drama Power premieres; you could also go another way with the exceedingly original-sounding Lifetime Original Movie Looking For Mr. Right. Iyanla will be called upon to Fix someone's double Life, which may sound like a challenge but I'm sure Iyanla is up to it. She is a capable woman, she's proven it time and time again.

And speaking of capable women, we're nearing the end of season two of Orphan Black. Catch a new episode now, and then you get to wait allllll the way until 11/10c. for the penultimate episode of this season's worst-treated, absolute best show, In The Flesh.

At 10/9c. we say goodbye to season one of ID's beloved How (Not) To Kill Your Husband, and hopefully we don't immediately forget all we've learned and start killing our husband. Life With La Toya's second season premieres, though, so we can still be inspired to make great choices.

Otherwise, Michelle Buteau is on NickMom's Night Out, which is exciting, and if you are not into exciting things, there's a Grateful Dead special on PBS. So either way you're totally covered.

SUNDAY

The Enlisted burn-off continues on Fox at 7/6c., before a bunch of event programming starts up at 8/7c.: The Tony Awards on CBS, NBA finals on ABC, and Miss USA 2014 on NBC. Up against all this is the second episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Kandi's Wedding, which seems like a very dumb idea of programming if you think about it.

At 9/8c. the first season of Cosmos comes to a close on Fox, with the thrilling/beautifully titled "Unafraid Of The Dark." If you are not into being inspired or taking part in the grand experiment we call human existence, though, please do enjoy the ninth season summer premiere of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. You've also got the Turn finale—spoiler, America wins—and the premieres of Snapped, Sister Wives, and Oprah: Where Are They Now? (This episode asks the titular question of the Love Boat cast, Charo, and Dave Coulier, so, it's possible you might just end up answering every question you have ever had in a single hour, and then what will you do then?)

Okay but really who are we kidding, it's the ninth episode of Game Of Thrones, which is always the most fucked-up one, so clearly that's what's on.

At 10/9c. there's a new Halt And Catch Fire on AMC, which for the record I personally enjoy, and the one-hour finale of Veep (before Last Week Tonight at 11/10c.). Most exciting to me, though is that we're getting the fifth episode of just-renewed Penny Dreadful, which promises to answer what the deal with Vanessa, Vanessa and Mina ("Closer Than Sisters" is the episode title, FWIW), and hopefully explore the fallout of those two dudes randomly fucking last week.

What about you? Are you excited to find out what is going to happen to Tyrion after last week's giant shocker? Are you looking forward to more of Sansa's outfits? Are you missing Brienne lately? Or do you wish the show was just about Sam Tarly, like, all the time. Haha, just kidding person that doesn't exist. Mostly I just feel like Jaime needs to hit the road before things get even weirder in King's Landing than they always already are.