Your Weekend TV Guide Has Secrets Of Its Own

This weekend there are hella premieres, just a few finales, and a surprising amount of quality kids' TV we could recommend if we were less insecure talking about that stuff. Also, The Leftovers; and two PBS comedies (?) you might feel like checking out. Weird week for TV, overall.

FRIDAY

Tonight at 7/6c. you've got the 90-minute Legend Of Korra premiere on Nickelodeon, which either means nothing to you or everything to you. Then at 8/7c., NBC has a two-hour special of Meredith Vieira jumping off things from greater and greater heights, like an old Mark Twain or O. Henry story, and Disney's remaking teen sci-fi classic Zapped. At 9/8c. your choices are limited to the series finale of Rake on Fox, or forty-five minutes of silence while you wait reverently for the Girl Meets World premiere on Disney (9:45/8:45c.).

Then at 10/9c. you have the Continuum season finale (SO GOOD; so legitimately good) on Syfy, and over on NBC seems like Crossbones meets a person with the curiously unmemorable name of "Antoinette." Probably just some rando person with that name and zero historical impact or interest. "This is my cousin Antoinette, she goes to a charter school on the north side of town and what she likes is: Stickers." It'll probably be like that.

SATURDAY

At 8/7c., the onslaught of Warren Jeffs entertainment finally begins, with a Lifetime movie called Outlaw Prophet that I have a feeling is going to be outstanding. ABC's Assets continues to exist at 9/8c., while Iyanla Fixes somebody's "headline-making mistake" for them. I hope it is Jonah Hill whose life she fixes, because that straight up ruined my life when that happened. At 10/9c., get ready for La Toya to "take a bow" on Life With La Toya, which I'm hoping means a musical performance, or you could turn to LMN and learn about the—I am not shitting you—Haunting Of... Vince Neil. (!!) Then at 11/10c., you can watch Whitney Cummings's standup special on Comedy Central! Be sure to really enjoy it.

SUNDAY

At 8/7c. more things will unfold on Big Brother, as tends to happen. PBS finally starts its "old couples fucking" sitcom block with Last Tango In Halifax and Vicious. Or you could take a trip backwards in time to ABC, where Wipeout turns its sights from murdering whole families to once again pitting "hotties" against "nerds." The age-old conflict once again.

At 9/8c. there's a two hour Last Comic Standing special, the second episode of submarine apocalypse drama The Last Ship on TNT, a new Musketeers, and the finales of Nurse Jackie (so good this season!), Californication (a show on TV!) and Penny Dreadful (so good it would court controversy to say what I really think, which is that PD actually accomplishes what dumb old True Detective only deluded itself into thinking it was doing, so I won't say that.) There are also new episodes of awful Cam Gigandet's new show Reckless, creepy future-scary talent show Rising Star, and True Blood.

Then at 10/9c., you've got the 75-minute premiere of The Leftovers, finally; Oprah getting Master Classed by the master of class herself, Barbara Walters; and Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling join Andy on the couch to Watch What They Are Doing To Themselves: Live. But no thanks, there's a new John Oliver, who triples in brilliance whatever he lacks in charisma. Which is an almost infinite amount, which just tells you how hard his awkward ass is working.

How about you? I am very excited about the premium cable, not in an "all dads watch Sopranos" kind of way like usual either: I am legitimately excited about a lot of Sunday's dramas, finales and premieres. And also Korra, which I seem to have picked up quite a preference for. Have you ever seen a cartoon and loved it like it's a real TV show? It is a strange feeling and not one I feel comfortable talking about, so I will bid you adieu. Have a great weekend.

[Image via HBO]