What a week! What a world! Let's unwind with some television and just try to remember what the world was like before Gone Girl redefined at least one TV writer's idea of what it's possible to accomplish, when you truly believe in yourself.

FRIDAY

At 7/6c. Syfy's got the sixth episode of Haven, and at 8/7c. Disney's Girl Meets "Flaws," while Last Man Stands in a "Sinkhole" and Utopia... What happens if we just stop? Is anybody watching it? What if they said, "No more Utopia on this channel because it sucks but guess what, we'll be back in two months when it's cold as fuck and see who's laughin' then."

The Utopia Survivor Special: Who Lived and Who Ate of the Flesh of the Fallen? Who Will Rule the Scattered Remnants? Who Wears the Skin of the Beast, Sewn to Flesh, Creating New Creatures? Who is Lord of Your Heart, Who Dieth Not Though He Is Burnt in the Fire Built Upon the Stone, Who Speaks to the Night and Hears Its Song? Who Got Knocked Up? How Tight They Keep It? What Strange Lights in the Silence?

At 9/8c., on America's Next Top Model a "Guy" "Wows Betsey Johnson," Disney premieres Chapters One and Two of Evermoor, a fantasy movie about something crazy starring Disney Kiddos, PBS broadcasts the San Francisco Opera's Porgy & Bess (subtitled or no?), there's two episodes of Say Yes to the Dress, and a new Shark Tank and Hawaii Five-0.

AT 10/9c.

  • CBS continues its onslaught of programming with Blue Bloods, which I think is the one with Tom Selleck or maybe there isn't one with him on it and I'm thinking of something else, such as Friends?
  • Dane Cook flips the cashew of comedy off the tip of his career in a new and puffy-faced Showtime special.
  • The Knick also ends its first season on Cinemax with everything finally shortened: Knickerbocker becomes Knick, Thackery becomes Thack, surgery becomes sack, cocaine cack, heroin hock, and finally having ruined all of the words in our language, Thack (played by Clack Owen) turns his eyes toward Season Two, in which he invents and then shortens the metric system: Miles become kilometers, kilometers become kliks.

At 11/10c. you've got premieres of IFC's comedy-like television shows Comedy Bang! Bang! and Birthday Boys, or the debut of HBO's equally appealing Foo Fighters documentary series, Sonic Highways.

SATURDAY

At 8/7c., Animal Planet debuts its adorableweenishly cutespastic America's Cutest Pet: Disney Howl-O-Ween Special, Ovation premieres Season Seven of The Artful Detective, and Lifetime's Stephen King MOW Big Driver finally arrives. It's the hotly anticipated one with Maria Bellow getting raped near an interstate highway, so enjoy that while you can.

AT 9/8c.

  • Nine Inch Nails is on Austin City Limits, which I'll remind you is on PBS, which concludes this week's edition of "All of My Prophecies Are Coming True!"
  • Doctor Who is still on. How long is this season? I'm like five behind. (But in another way, maybe I'm not!)
  • Finders Keepers is another MOW on Syfy regarding an evil doll and starring Patrick Muldoon, Jaime Pressly, Deanna Troi and Saw from the movie Saw.
  • Ghost Inside My Child, long known both as the best show about ghosts inside stuff and having the very greatest in rhyming titles, hits up both "The Family Drama" and "Military Trauma."
  • Iyanla tries to Fix the Life of "Toxic Obsession," which ends the third season. I hope Iyanla fixes that life! Hate for her to hang up her gloves just because of one toxic obsession.
  • Hallmark has a MOW called My Boyfriend's Dogs that just has to be ripped from the headlines if we're to have any faith in the universe. (Animal Planet, not to be outdone, has a new episode of My Cat From Hell, which I think pairs nicely.)
  • On Starz I have been told the show Survivor's Remorse is very good, by a source I trust. However, no amount of Iyanlas or ghost-whisperers is ever going to figure out if you or I have the network "Starz" available to us. It's just one unknowable thing in a sky full of them.
  • TNT also premieres their show The Transporter with a double episode, if you enjoyed the movie about the Transporter and how he Transported things and the obstacles he encountered during their Transportation so very much that you thought to yourself, "I would like to see things Transported by this Transporter, or similar, on a regular weekly basis."

AT 10/9c.

  • Kristen's got a Secret on an all-new episode of CBS's 48 Hours entitled "Kristen's Secret."
  • LMN at this time of night usually takes you somewhere called The Haunting Of, which normally is about celebrities who have done too much "nose candy" and "believe" in "ghosts," but in this case it's a special about the very "Scariest Spirits" that have been on the show, which is about ghosts, which are not that scary, because they are not real.
  • On House Hunters Renovation... Well, see if you can glean the episode's meat from just the shell of its title: "A Young Couple Leaves Manhattan's Pricey Real Estate Market for Something Outside of the City." I can't make heads or tails of that! What are you, e.e. cummings over here?

And finally, the second season of Black Dynamite premieres on Adult Swim at 10:30/9:30c.

SUNDAY

Tonight, you have no choice but to commit to one of several courses of action.

  • You can watch two hours of a show called 90 Day Fiancé, between an update special and the season premiere. What is this show? I don't trust shows with names like that.
  • You can turn to CBS for comfort, with Madam Secretary and The Good Wife—one of which is amazing and the other of which is just-okay but is this week called "Blame Canada," which is at least something—and then CSI if you're like that, with an episode called "Book of Shadows"!
  • You can grapevine over to Bravo for Real Housewives of New Jersey, Old Housewives of New Jersey (with Children), and Watch What Happens: Live with such very famous, totally recognizable, high-glamour "gets" as Tamar Braxton, Nicole Napolitano and Teresa Aprea.
  • Just kidding obviously you have to at least watch Fox long enough to see Treehouse of Horror XXV; plus maybe stick around for Halloween episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Mulaney if that appeals to you, with a bonus Breaking Bad-themed Family Guy jammed between them.

But then at 9/8c. the premium shit starts!

  • Boardwalk Empire and, later, John Oliver, or
  • Homeland and The Affair, depending. You cannot have both, unless you roll with technology.
  • Otherwise you got the seventh season finale of PBS's Inspector Lewis, Resurrection and Revenge on ABC, or The Walking Dead, or
  • On OWN, you got Oprah investigating the Nowabouts of Carmen Electra, Macy Gray and Shadoe Stevens, as well as what we're told right in the episode description is "Charice's Surprising Revelation." What do you think it will be? I think it should include the shocking revelation of "Who is Charice." Maybe preface the revelation with that, and then you've got two shocks, just in time for Hallowe'en. A Charice in the hand is worth two in the public eye, as Oprah well knows...

... Holy shit! I just looked it up and it's actually amazing. Charice was on Glee for a hot minute, so not actually a mystery person but a wonderful singer I remember, and the Oprah part is that it turns Charice out is a dude! Good for him. You know Ryan Murphy is choking on his fist right now. "Sunshine Corazon? The fuckity fuck was I thinking. God damn it. Bring me something to punch." He's a triple Scorpio, is the only thing I have managed to retain in my mind-banks about Ryan Murphy, so you know he takes this shit hard. But you know what, this is the kind of pain that creates great art.

At 10/9c., besides the things above, you have also the season finale of Manhattan on WGC and the fall premiere of TLC's My Five Wives, a show about a guy with no masculinity issues whatsoever... and the five completely healthy women that prove it.

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. What are you watching this weekend? What are we missing out on? Recommendations and discussions down below.