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Yolanda Foster, you have a zillion dollars, a fridge full of lemons, and property so large you don't even know when a guy is selling hippie dresses on it. What in God's name are you doing roasting a chicken while wearing lingerie in front of television cameras?
And before we go further I feel compelled to give you the warning that if you try to think about The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Ferguson with the same brain, then your face will actually melt right off of your body. But if you're up for some practice in compartmentalization, then you too can look at the above clip and calmly wonder, "Did David Foster actually just tell his wife that one time people probably thought she was a hooker?"
Housewives lingerie scenes of course are not new, but did you not think Yolanda was above it all? The only plausible explanation for this is that the Lyme disease has, as she previously claimed, compromised her brain, and this is being expressed in an incredibly awkward dinner. Isn't the whole point of cooking in lingerie that you never actually eat the food? If you were just sitting there on the balcony wearing a black lace teddy and calmly eating chicken (not a euphemism!) with your fully-clothed clod of a husband, wouldn't you feel both embarrassed AND insulted? And then later she just goes horseback riding with Kim in white pants, like nothing ever happened.
Speaking of, poor Kim, thinking that she knew how to ride horses until she was in her 30s and then realizing that Disney horses don't exactly give you a legit riding experience. It's sort of a metaphor for Kim's whole life, isn't it? But here she is today, joking about horse farts, as you do. And she seems committed to playing the wacky sidekick role in this episode, ALSO hanging out with Brandi as she sexually harasses her movers, looking vaguely disturbed when she learns that Brandi has made out with one of the movers who is a strapping 23 years of age, and then suggesting that she and Brandi disguise themselves to stalk Brandi's on-again/off-again paramour, J.R.
First of all, don't you imagine that Kim Richards just has some dusty old haunted vaudevillian dress-up trunk that these ratty wigs and shit came from? And second of all….WHAT IS HAPPENING? I mean, the official explanation is that Brandi confessed that J.R. is in love with/seeing another women but also still making out with her, and Kim felt that seeing J.R. with said other woman would help Brandi to kick him to the curb for good. However, the dignity that would be gained from dumping this tool is completely counterbalanced by the fact that you are stalking him, in costume, on camera, with Kim Richards. Quoth Brandi, "Why am I in the bushes with Kim Richards?"
The next time you feel yourself slipping into an existential crisis, ask yourself this question. And if Lisa Vanderpump is at any point your BFF, do NOT fuck it up or this is your future.
Speaking of Lisa, what is she doing while Brandi is hiding behind random vinyl curtains in a bad wig? She's ordering tea from her new housekeeper, Magdalena, while collaborating with her shirt designer, Claire. Yes, Lisa Vanderpump has all of her shirts custom made, and apparently gets some of them bedazzled with her name.
And I love me some Lisa Vanderpump, but did this not make you think a teeny bit less of her? This one in particular looks like a Trapper Keeper of my youth.
That and the pink dog. It's going a little far, is all I'm saying.
I fully support Giggy's Renaissance fashion, however.
Meanwhile, we've seen all sorts of small fluffy dogs in Lisa's abode this season, but does anyone know where Rumpy Pumpy is? I am concerned. Later, Lisa takes Mohamed's fiancée, Shiva, shopping for jewels, and mentions that she has sympathy for Brandi since Brandi lost a very loyal friend. WHO TAKES YOU JEWEL SHOPPING. Lisa also drops this handy bit of advice for the ladies, "Don't put out on your birthday or your anniversary. No no no no no. You have to put out weeks before." And while that's kind of awful, also she is very wise.
Brandi does seem to make one decent life choice in this episode, though I'm guessing it was made solely for camera time. But, as threatened at the White Party, she takes Adrienne Maloof out for lunch to try to clear the air between them. As Brandi says multiple times, they don't need to braid each others' hair on weekends (which is one of those statements that is meant to be funny but also gives you some insight into her mental/emotional maturity), but doesn't want things to be awkward when they run into each other.
Brandi tells Adrienne that she's sorry and regrets what she said, and had no intention of hurting Adrienne's family. This is all well and good until Brandi starts in about how she was friends with Lisa, who was having tensions with Adrienne at the time, and that apparently fed into her decision to blurt out that Adrienne and Paul used a surrogate (among many other choice statements). Adrienne doesn't quite buy that and thinks that Brandi needs to take accountability for her own actions, but still she welcomes the apology, thinks it's heartfelt, and accepts it. And honestly, "Wow I'm so impressed that these women worked out their issues in a civil, conflict-free and relatively dull manner," is something that no Housewives viewer has said ever, so let's put this behind us and look forward to the day when Lisa Rinna smashes a wine glass.
Meanwhile…LISA RINNA! She's only in this episode a little bit, meeting with her 25-year old agent—presumably the agent who got her this very show, and is thus a venerable hero to us all. In a very meta conversation, Lisa says that she needs to stay relevant and has had to reinvent herself over and over, and also will basically do anything to make a buck. Including a sexy Depends commercial! "I just was like winking all the way to the bank," is the new, "I'm very rich, bitch!" MORE LISA RINNA!
And finally, Kyle, Mauricio and the whole family take a private plane to Tahoe, and Kyle admits that they fly private because Mauricio can't stand to travel with the kids. We learn that Portia is trying to fashion herself into the new Milania, but with all of the brattiness and none of the wit. To get us really invested in this storyline, Kyle will have to somehow get her to call Kim a butthole, or perhaps inform Yolanda that she's a hooker and not a cooker.
Next time: It's Lisa Rinna's birthday, soap opera actress Eileen Davidson joins the cast, and Lisa Vanderpump busts Brandi for calling with Kyle sitting right next to her!