So, sure, there are many problematic things rolled up into the fact that Dina called Amber's husband Jim a bitch, complete with the follow-up, "Shove it up his ass, Amber." But what are we, as people with IQs over twelve, supposed to do with the fact that Jim was, in fact, kind of acting like a bitch?
When you call a man a bitch ( a modern favorite Housewives insult, often used in the context of a gentleman getting all up into "women's business," as it is known), it shows that you think the worst of women as well as men—of humanity, really—which maybe is actually appropriate when we're talking about the Real Housewives of New Jersey. And this guy really is a piece of work, no? Let's amass the evidence.
He's a Hater, Not a Fighter: On the one hand, fisticuffs are bad, and so perhaps Jim should be commended for invoking "etiquette and décor" and refusing a physical altercation with Joe Gorga. On the other, where was Jim's concept of personal space when he called Joe a dumb fuck right into his ear?
Also, this, from the mouth of Jim: "I don't fight, I think it's stupid. I'm trained as an attorney. If I want to hurt you, I'm going to sue you. I'm going to leverage your house. I'm going to give you three years of hell in a courtroom. I'm going to bleed you dry financially. And I'm going to humiliate you as I depose you for eight hours and make you my bitch." And I mean…that's pretty bitchy.
He's a Member of MENSA, Apparently: Now, it's not that we all haven't had derogatory thoughts about the IQ levels of this cast. But he's such a dick about it!
He just keeps coming at Teresa, Melissa and Dina when they're asking sensible questions about the situation, causing Dina to finally comment upon his bitch-like characteristics AND the magnitude of his douchebaggery. Plus, as Melissa points out, Jim isn't even on Juicy's case, and is likely just trying to mindfuck Teresa and/or get attention.
He's a Bad Friend: Poor Bobby. First his girlfriend Nicole threatens to leave him if he ever talks to Amber again. Then when he goes to the house of Jim, his friend of twelve years, and Amber, who is like a sister to him, to try and make peace, Amber tells him that she's ashamed of him, and Jim busts out with the following about Nicole: 1) "What, you gonna marry her? Do you love her? Bobby, you can't stand her!" 2) "How about you calling me and being like, 'When is this fucking girl gonna stop hanging on me, when will she stay away from me?" 3) "You make fun of her makeup, and you don't wanna kiss her." Bobby, who despite his crunk gift-giving seems like a pretty OK guy, says that's all fabrication. Even if it's not, it's a terrible thing to say about a dude and his girlfriend in front of a camera crew. Amber and Jim disown Bobby as a friend, which he seems fine with given that they're the worst.
One upside of this situation is that it brings Bobby and Nicole closer together, so they can do fun stuff like go to the shooting range. And seriously, why do Real Housewives like to shoot guns so much? We should all be very nervous about this trend.
He Has the Smallest Penis in the World: Or at least that's the word on the street.
He's Upstaging His Wife: Even with her skintight police-stripper outfit, a chunk of her weave missing, and continuous references to The Cancer, Amber can't outshine her husband, the president of an unsupervised title two bank and mortgage fraud expert. This shows terrible discernment on both of their parts! Though in fairness, he seems to be a natural asshole, and she's REALLY trying.
He Makes Us Like Everyone Else More: If you're making the other Jersey Househusbands look like the epitome of chivalry and charm by comparison, then you have a legitimate problem.
Other things happened in this episode, too, that had nothing to do with Jim! Most of them involved birds.
Count Your Chickens: If a coop full of new chickens is placed next to a pen with two large German shepherds in Act I, it only stands to reason that your oldest daughter will find two brutally murdered chickens by Act III.
Strike one in Joe Giudice's attempt to live off the land! Even before Gia is traumatized by the late-night discovery of guard dog Simba with feathers coming out of his mouth (by her own admission, she was shitting her pants), the ladies of the house are generally not thrilled about the chickens, perhaps because as Gabriella yells, "It smells like crap everywhere!" Milania is one exception, initially flocking to her feathered friends and saying, "They're my new family! Love you!" (Whether the chickens have agreed to take custody after Juicy and Teresa's sentencing was not made clear.)
Milania accompanies Juicy and Cousin Rosie to go pick out new foster parents (without hairless butts, preferably) at the chicken farm, where she calls out the chicken farmer about the chickens' busted toes and Juicy hopes her hands get pecked. Rosie is typically awesome on the trip, offering a hug and her support to the Giudice clan. And then to top off this tender moment she and Juicy try to get a sheep to smoke a cigarette. (Yes, that actually happened.)
Bird Poop Facials: Amber invites Dina and Teresa to a spa day, and both she and the facialist wait way too long to mention that they're being treated to face masks made of nightingale droppings.
Amber claims that Jim feels badly for his actions during the first responders party (which: lies), and somehow they all wind up talking shit about Melissa. But Amber retains hope that her friendship with Melissa can be mended, and uses this gem in the process, "Jesus forgives even the worst murderers in the world. And if Jesus does it, I can certainly do it." I think He would prefer a dove poop facial, though?
A Tainted Woman: Amber thinks that Melissa is at fault for her confrontation with Nicole, since Melissa told Nicole that Amber is spreading rumors that she's a homewrecker. Amber clarifies that she spread those rumors IN CONFIDENCE to Melissa…and a camera crew. Neither of the women trust each other, and Amber notes that over the past eight years Melissa has become "a very tainted woman," which is a weird thing to say, but perhaps the kind of commentary you get when your life is on display, on display, on display and everybody's waiting on you to fall. All in all, their confrontation was a little dull, showing that Amber still has a lot to learn from her husband about how to make a verbally incendiary moment happen.
The Life of Dina Manzo: When not calling Househusbands bitches, Dina is just going about her life. She shows what a fun mom she is by going to the tattoo parlor with daughter Lexi so they can get matching hearts on their wrists. Lexi clarifies that this is great fun-mom behavior, but forbids Dina to become a cougar who listens to rap music.
Dina also heads to the city for a date with Matt, first responder of our hearts, who a) shows up half an hour late with no text to say he got a flat tire en route; b) is sadly kind of dumb. At least she got a giant frozen hot chocolate and plate of fries out of the deal.
Next week: Gia talks about her future career ambitions, and Nicole and Amber have a sit-down!
[ Images via Bravo]
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