Hardcore fans to newly minted hooligans to passerby co-workers just interested in grabbing some of the snacks provided will be tuning in to watch America battle those Belgian bastards this afternoon (4 PM EDT). Aside from actually being there, however, how can your cheers and thoughts affect Team Soccer Eagles?

What scientists have failed to prove time and time again, due to pure laziness and lack of emotional conviction, is that concentrated mental energy does more to aid an athletic team than weather conditions, raw talent, or even political pull and bribery. So, do your duty, John and Jane fucking US of A, and use hyper-focus to direct all of your powerful thought-bullets toward the following topics:

Belgians are disgusting party animals

According to a probably-legit trivia website, 24 million tablets of ecstasy (also known as 'E', 'X', or 'Dance Pills') are consumed in Belgium each year. That's obscene and it leads directly to death, condemnation to hell, reflective pants, and the survival of fucking house music. Who do these Belgians think they are? Some free-thinking, progressive, drug embracing heathens? Is that why possession of up to 3 grams of Marihuana (Devil Grass) is legal in Belgium? Fucking anarchy. Don't even get me started on the average 150 liters of beer consumed per person each year. Sounds like someone's got a drinking problem! And there's nothing more anti-American than abusing alcohol. We're a wholesome country with a firm handle on our nationwide War on Drugs and an even firmer grasp on respecting and consuming alcohol safely. If we let these Belgians win today, what happens tomorrow? Fucking Sodom City, Gomorrah, USA, population every single red-blooded American.

Oh so you're like better than us?

So you legalized euthanasia in 2002 and gay marriage in 2003? You were the first country to ban cluster bombs? What do you have against cluster bombs? And the second country to ban forced marriages? What in God's heck is wrong with a forced marriage? It's like you multi-lingual chocolate producing assholes care about human rights or something. Well, in the words of True American Shania Twain (shh, Canada): THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH.

They hate McDonald's!

Belgium has one of the smallest ratios of McDonald's to inhabitants in the world. Seven times less than the US of A! Per 10,000 Belgians there is only .062 McDonald's! That's outrageous. That's offensive. That's like taking a shit on the American flag and ordering a sparkling water at the same time. Enjoy your lacking fast-food cuisine while us Sons of Washington over here destroy McNuggets and destroy you in competition, as well.

They value women or something

Belgium has the highest proportion of female ministers in the world and they were also one of the first countries to have a woman in Parliament. They also have the lowest salary gap in Europe! What the cheese, Belgium? You think you're better than us? What are you saying by electing a woman to a position of power? That we're a country full of dumbwitted old white men who've got racism and misogyny tucked into the folds of their belt-busting belly rolls? Is that what you're saying?

So just keep in mind, American soccer fan, this is a country full of smug bastards just trying to keep America down, trying to make it look like they're more progressive than we are, trying to sully the perfect image of the red, white, and blue. But you know what? These colors don't fucking run. (Figuratively. We will be running today.)

They think they're France

If there's any foreign country Americans irrationally hate, besides all of them, it's France. And these Belgians are like France's secret mistress. They claim to have invented French Fries (they're called FRENCH fries, Belgium!) and they have the most Tour de France wins other than…France! Get this Francophile shit out of my face, man. This is America.

Oh and just one more thing

B – B

E – E

L – N

G – G

I – H

A – A

N – Z

? – I

[ESP-Focusing Images via Getty, FIFA]

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