Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

When getting your love handles fat-zapped, it's always wise to think of potential unintended consequences. Quoth Sonja T. Morgan: "What is he gonna hold on to? You know how they do the jiggle thing, they hold this and then they go [shake]. You know that thing?...Oh, it's an immediate orgasm. You don't do it?"

WHAT IS SHE EVEN TALKING ABOUT? And why is she holding a rubber banana?

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

So many questions! Though maybe if Carole had love handles to hold onto, she'd still be with Ralph Fiennes, whom she DATED, according to a casual comment to her assistant when sending out galleys of her new book.

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

Anyway, I guess…I'll try it? This love handle thing? (Also having Ralph Fiennes inspire scenes in my new novel, if possible.) (But not eyelid surgery, like Sonja suggests Kristen should have.) (Nor whatever gel-laden procedure Ramona is having done to melt her Winnie-the-Pooh pooch.) I'm still not sure what it is, exactly, but I commit to giving my best effort, just like Kristen does with her cooking.

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

UGH, these two. Let's just get it over with, shall we? First Kristen and Josh have a couples dinner with Heather and Jonathan, in which there is a little talk about bossiness and a lot of talk about entrepreneurship. For some mysterious reason, Heather seems to like and relate to Josh, and when they talk about things like how 1) He's never home because he's "networking"; 2) He got rid of his former marketing agency without telling Kristen and moved them from New York to LA; 3) He rented out their LA house without telling Kristen and they had to be out in ten days; Heather's like, "That's how a real entrepreneur thinks!"

I mean, Kristen IS annoying and very attached to her own sense of victimization, but I can't believe that straight-shooting Heather can't look at Josh and be like, "Yeah, you're kind of a dick." And their whole thing of, "Well YOU'VE never run a business and can't possibly understand" is partly true but also insulting, because being an entrepreneur doesn't give you full license to be a total cretin. Though, in fairness, I do think Josh is genetically disposed to cretinism.

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

Anyway, the real magic happens during a planned "date night" in which Kristen makes an effort to cook for Josh, who always complains that he might come home more often if there was a hot meal waiting for him. He was supposed to be home at 6:00, and at 6:30 she calls him. He's en route, having been made late by a conference call (with six whole people!!!) that went long. She asks why he couldn't have texted to say he was going to be late, and he goes on about how running a business is incredibly stressful and then, like, SCREAMS at her. Like, screams-screams. And is it…possible…that eBoost isn't the only "energy supplement" that this guy has been enjoying? He's a smidge high-strung, is all I'm saying.

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

Anyway, of course Kristen is upset, and then she burns the potatoes (while still having them look underdone—a culinary feat!) and notes that she's tired of being shit on. But then, after much arguing, when Josh finally says he's grateful for the meal Kristen says, "But not grateful enough to be on time," which, Jesus. Finally, Josh suggests that they need a "mediator"—e.g. a therapist. His entrepreneurial vision of therapy is that the counselor will tell Kristen that she needs to be more sensitive in regard to his business. Riiiiiight. Kristen does want to get their relationship back on the rails, saying that Josh is an amazing man, the father of her children, and the love of her life. She ends the scene by saying the potatoes aren't bad and Josh replies, "If you like them burnt." So, yeah, good luck with all that.

Things are also tense with LuAnn and Jacques, in French, in the midst of a professional photo shoot with dogs. And I know that these two broke up, but I just can't face it yet! And the fact that Jacques was mean to Lu and told her to shut up really shakes my worldview, to be honest.

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

In happier romantic news…Sonja and Harry Dubin! They have a picnic in the park, and we get some details about their relationship of 25 years ago. It was very serious, and Sonja thought they'd get married. But THEN: "We were an ideal couple, and the SOB decided to take another date for New Years. The little head told the big head what to do. And that was the end of Harry and Sonja." HARRY, HOW COULD YOU? Meanwhile, I could look at this picture of young Sonja and fully-haired Harry for about six consecutive hours.

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

So NOW things are apparently heating up between them once again, and Sonja wants to see if Harry can be a partner in a relationship, and not just a good time. And really, I DO think that these two are kind of an ideal couple. I mean, they're both fun but also a little gross (well, a lot gross if you're Harry, though since Sonja loves the way he smells when he sweats this is not an issue but a blessing) and bunny-level horny.

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

The exchange in which Sonja says of her dress, "I had to put a slip on under this because it's so sheer, I knew you'd go crazy too early," and Harry thanks her for wearing underwear, and she then clarifies, "Yeah. G-string," just sort of exemplifies that they're soul mates. They say they love each other, and later at Birdland discuss boning in the bathroom, so I think their rekindled romance is off to a great start.

Oh! And in other Sonja news, she looks impossibly fabulous as she sits in her backyard and tells Aviva that, in Montana, "Everyone said the worst things about you." When Aviva assumes that the others were worried about her, Sonja says, "Not at all." Aviva acts shocked that the others would think she faked asthma to get attention, and Sonja says that she had her back the whole time although, "Believe me, they were very convincing." Aviva whips out a big purple disc of Advair, which as someone with asthma I can tell you is not an emergency inhalant, and, like the psychopath that she is, takes a big puff. Aviva knocks on her fake leg and says maybe she's faking THAT, too. And really, the only reason she's still minimally in this show is so we can get to the much-previewed scene in which her leg flies off, right?

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

Anyway, BIRDLAND! So, the famous Birdland jazz club is having an open mic, at which Mario, Heather and LuAnn intended to sing. Now, LuAnn's musical genius we already know about.

I personally would say it's unassailable (I seriously listen to "Money Can't Buy You Class" and "Chic C'est La Vie" ALL THE TIME), but Ramona thinks differently. In fact, she can't WAIT for smooth-voiced devoted husband Mario to show up the Countess with the tender love ballad, "Effortless." This song was written by Ramona's "gay husband" and includes the lyrics, "Effortless / A simple thing to do / Effortless / It's easy loving you / So natural / Just like taking a breath / It's effortless / Effortless / Beautiful like an unexpected rain / Beautiful, the kind you can't explain / Effortless." It's pretty cool how this song rhymes "effortless" with "effortless" a bunch. Also, is there anyone who does NOT appreciate the beauty of an unexpected rain more than Ramona Singer? REMEMBER THE BLOW DRY!

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

Anyway, Ramona thinks she's a lucky girl to have her totally faithful husband serenade her in front of their friends. It's this cockiness that leads her to waste zero minutes tearing into LuAnn at Birdland. Seriously, Ramona does this with such glee that it's clear she couldn't WAIT, as being an asshole is her heart's greatest delight. It turns out that Lu has decided NOT to sing at the open mic, ostensibly because it's Mario's big night. Ramona shoots back by saying that Mario thought Lu was afraid to sing because she doesn't have autotune. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS THE COUNTESS SPEAKING.

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

I AM NOT AMUSED! Ramona says that LuAnn knows she's not that great of a singer, as if LuAnn being a great singer is required for us, her friends, to absorb the message that elegance is learned. The two go back and forth, and eventually LuAnn utters the words, "He plays for Liza Minelli, you cow. Shut your face, you're really annoying right now," and you don't even NEED to know the full context to enjoy that slice of perfection!

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

And then Mario sings and we get a montage of gross Ramona/Mario moments that actually made me take a puff from my inhaler, I was hyperventilating so! Ramona in lingerie! Ramona feeling Mario's pecs! Ramona giving Mario a foot massage!

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

And then we cut to Harry Dubin slurping down a chicken wing, and at this very moment I actually fell to the floor and praised the Goddess for creating, in her wisdom, this season of Real Housewives of New York, which is FUCKING PERFECT!

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

Sorry, there's nothing (in this show or in the universe) that can top that, even Heather awesomely singing "Bill Bailey" after declaring that she's not really a good singer.

Sonja's Incomprehensible Lovemaking Tips on Real Housewives of NY

Next time: There's a devil in Sonja's inner circle! That's not a euphemism! Also LuAnn cries at Carole's birthday party OH NO!!

[Images via Bravo]

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