Tamra, girl, we know it's tough that your son apparently has a significant Oedipus complex and is moving out of the OC. But is that really reason enough to take on the challenge of squeezing salt water through your frozen tear ducts?
As if her shenanigans last week weren't bad enough, this episode is basically all about Tamra being a monster. How is she a monster, you may ask? Let us count the ways, for they are manifold!
Dinner Party Monster: So, yes, Shannon did have quite the nervous breakdown at Lizzie's party. But did she jump or was she pushed?
For her part, Shannon thinks that Heather pushed her when she kicked her out of her house. Quoth Lizzie, "Don't go to her house anymore." Which I guess technically is not terrible advice? Matters are not helped by the fact that everyone at this dinner party is also quite wasted. Tamra tells Shannon that they support her 100%, right before she and Heather agree that Shannon is kooky and scary. At this point, even Vicki Gunvalson is like, "That shit ain't right, ladies." [Paraphrased.]
Troubles abound, though Shannon and David do bond a little over the fact that he doesn't immediately sign her over to the American Horror Story: Asylum sanatorium. One point in favor of reconciliation!
Medical Emergency Monster: So, this one is really on Heather, who, in discussing Shannon, busts out with, "Terry, do you think we need to call an ambulance? Because she's having a psychotic break." Tamra can't resist being terrible too, though, and quickly agrees that Shannon is not in a sound state of mind. Thank goodness for Lizzie's husband Christian, who is basically like, "…GTFO." But seriously…an ambulance? These two are just trolling all of us now.
The Woes of Life Monster: Allow me to quote the wise sage Vicki Gunvalson, who tells Heather: "We just need to be there to support each other when we do go through the woes of life. And not somebody who goes you know what? Get the hell out of my house."
Again, this is directed toward Heather, but did we not all notice Tamra smirking at Heather when Shannon announces that she's leaving the party, and then relentlessly interrupting Shannon as she tries to exit with some semblance of dignity? She is at least a monster accomplice. Twenty points to Christian, who busts Heather for making the remaining group's final toast all about herself and almost shuts her up. Almost.
Who Is this Fucking Danielle Character? Monster: No, but seriously, who is this Danielle person, and why was she minimally at this dinner party and also minimally at a meet-up between Tamra and Heather?
A fun game is to see all the ways in which the cameras try to completely cut Danielle out of the shot, while also being forced to occasionally acknowledge her presence. Somehow, deep down, Monster Tamra must be to blame.
"After a few drinks…sometimes I forget" Monster: This is perhaps the worst of all. After an episode and a half of lengthy discussion about whether Terry Dubrow did or did not say he wanted to take down the Beadors, Tamra (drunkenly?) busts out in an interview with, "I never ever told her that Terry was gonna take the Beadors down. [Fumbles with cleavage.] Did I? I don't know. Who knows." You guys, I am sorry to break this to you, but Tamra is not a reliable source.
She also says that Shannon acted horrible and scary, and that people around town say that Shannon is crazy. Which may be true, but also is not nice. Heather and Tamra decide that the way to help Shannon and to get her to stop "yelling" at Heather is to take her on a girls trip. Because Real Housewives destination trips are known for peaceful tranquility and mental health and speaking in very soft, calming voices!
Cohabitation Monster: Is Tamra to blame for Vicki and Brooks discussing cohabitation? Maybe not. But nonetheless, Tamra has contributed to the strange phenomenon of Vicki becoming the most reasonable cast member of the bunch, thus also forcing me to come to the conclusion that I just want Vicki to be happy. Is that so wrong?
As they talk about moving in together, Brooks says that it scares him to death to share a bathroom with Vicki. And frankly, this is a completely appropriate response when talking about a 50-year old woman who regularly uses the phrase "go potty."
This Really Has Nothing to Do with Tamra: So, Vicki is determined to have Brooks and Briana get along, and enlists the help of marriage and family therapist James Sanders. Briana's goal in life is to communicate better with Vicki, and not have her manipulate her all the time. Briana is SO REAL in this therapy session, talking about how scary it is that Vicki is thinking of living with someone who, by her own admission, has treated her terribly.
Quite heartbreakingly, Briana says, "Because my whole life, everything was always made about my mom, my opinions don't matter, my needs don't matter, my wants don't matter. I just can't wait for the day when I feel like I can do stuff for myself and not worry if my mom's gonna be mad at me." 1) Ouch. 2) Tamra's son Ryan is about to cosign this sentiment in half a minute. By the end of the session, Briana still isn't ready to talk to Brooks, but Vicki hopes that one day they'll get to the point of all having a woohoo celebration together. For now, however, they will have to make do with the Woes of Life, acutely felt.
Mother Monster: As Tamra is folding towels with her son Ryan, he announces that he's moving north with his girlfriend of a few months, whom he met on Instagram. Now, that would, quite frankly, be cause for concern for any mother. But Tamra's concern is slanted in the direction of herself as she asks, "I have nobody, what are you doing?" Doesn't she have like three other kids and also a husband and a beautiful newborn robot baby? At the heart of it, in addition to worrying mainly about her own loneliness, she seems to think that Ryan is a miscreant incapable of making sound decisions. He points out that, though all of this may be true, he's a 28-year old miscreant and can do whatever he wants with his life.
When she asks if he's maybe not thinking straight since learning that recreationally taking human growth hormone is killing him, Ryan says, "I don't have a brain problem"—a questionable statement for anybody appearing on this show.
Mourning Does NOT Become Electra Monster: So, yes, fine, it is weird that Ryan's girlfriend Sarah so closely resembles Tamra. And it's weird that Tamra feels like she's being replaced, but not in an "incest way" (except kind of, maybe). And it's certainly something to learn that Sarah owns a gun store, carries a gun with her (though smartly takes out the bullets before handing it over to Tamra), and has three kids and two parents who died tragically. But these facts plus Tamra's giant wine glasses lead to quite the epic meltdown when Ryan and Sarah announce that they are in fact looking at wedding venues and have set a wedding date.
Tamra freaks the heck out and tries to squeeze a solitary tear out of her Botox-frozen eyes, to little avail.
Come on, girl, you can do it! Try harder!
While the much-coveted tear gets stuck she screeches and yells, "This is fucked up!" and pounds the table, and also busts out with, "Too much of unhappiness at one time is just too much for one person to handle." Eloquently stated, per usual. And what does she really have to complain about when Eddie is sitting at the table being fine with his shirt unbuttoned to his navel? Tamra storms out of the room while Sarah and Ryan kind of laugh at her, probably wishing that Heather (or Momma Joyce) had given her an acting lesson or two.
Next week: Heather learns what a "dirty Sanchez" is, and there is a summit between Heather, Shannon, Vicki and Tamra!
[Images via Bravo]
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