This weekend we've got so much television we could be watching, even if it's tempting to stay outside since it's early into the summer but still so sunny and the days are so long. Uh, hunky teen robots, mean Nickelodeon employees, a list of mean ex-husbands, an idea for a great movie, a fantasy about small goats and at least one joke about the Doritos Girl.

FRIDAY

At 8/7c. there's a freak-ass movie on Disney Channel called How To Build A Better Boy, which is not what you think: It's actually about two girls that hack the fucking NSA and build their own hot teen supersoldier boyfriend. For real that is the movie. How To Build A Movie Jacob Will Be Watching The Shit Out Of. Then at 8:45 after that, Girl Meets "Maya's Mother." (Girl keeps Meeting super grim people and things so probably Maya's Mother will have some problems and Girl will actually be Meeting those problems, as personified by Maya's Mother.)

At 9/8c. there are a couple of things: TLC's sixth season of Four Weddings opens up with a double episode, and over on Health there's an episode of Untold Stories of the ER titled "Why Am I Blue?" which immediately calls to mind two radically different possibilities about what is happening in this formerly untold story of the ER. Then you've got nothing really after that. Well, Legend of Korra, assuming that's still going up online.

The next step for Nickelodeon will be, anybody that even thinks about watching that show, which is fucking great by the way, some guy from corporate shows up at your house in a suit and tie and then—without ever breaking eye contact—squats and takes a shit on your floor. "Enjoy your precious fucking show, nerd," he scoffs, walks out again, gets in the van with a giant orange splatter NICK logo on the side, drives ten feet, gets out at your neighbor's house, does the same thing again. That's their business plan I heard.

SATURDAY

At 7/6c. there's another Kid President—is it good? I bet it's good—and then at 8/7c. a very important Lifetime movie called Sole Custody in which Julie Benz's mean ex-husband (played by some hardcore-looking Canadian dude who is not even a tenth as hot as her same ex-husband on Dexter or one-squintillionth as hot as her ex-fiancé on Defiance but is probably about equal to her ex on Buffy, sorry for that burn but this is a definitive ranking of Julie Benz's most prominent TV ex-husbands) fakes her kid's DEATH just to FUCK UP HER LIFE. Doesn't that sound amazing? If no, then there's a double-sized premiere of Animal Planet's vomtastic Too Cute!

Notes. 1: I was just trying to act all tough before, I would actually very much enjoy a double episode of Too Cute! especially because this season is subtitled Pint-Sized! and that seems like a lot of cute in one place. I have a fantasy where pygmy goats run back and forth all over me. (I am a cedar-plank deck.)

2: I want to write a movie for let's say the Chiller network called Soul Custody about... Hmm. A lady who... Oh, I got it. This is good. The lady's ex-husband is dead and he's trying to Carol Anne/Wait Till Helen Comes their kid into dying so he can have her, but not because he loves the kid that much, just because it's like, the echo of their rancorous divorce. All his ghost wants is to fuck with the lady because she broke his heart when their marriage didn't work out and he feels powerless. That is legitimately a horrible, scary idea and you can't have it. Starring Julie Benz as a lady whose dead ex (Ian Bohen) is a real piece of work, and one of the lesser Fannings as the contested child. Sold to Chiller for Guild minimum but really, a bargain at any price.

At 9/8c. is Hell on Wheels, Outlander, a double episode of DA's most inoffensive show Hillbilly Blood ("Mountain Machete"/"Hillbilly Houseboat"), something called Great White Matrix on Discovery's embarrassing week of shark shams and hoaxes and BS, and most importantly the second season premiere of LMN's most popular show about imaginary things inside of children, The Ghost Inside My Child, which has the gorgeous title of: "Plane Crash And Sacred Ash." The most wonderful, mellifluous, slightly mystical five-word sequence since "You're everywhere and nowhere, Dawson!" which I think about a lot (and sometimes say quietly to myself when the going gets tough, as it sometimes can in this life).

Then at 10/9c. a Dead Files on Abilene TX, a lovely place if you are into the flat cowboy treeless deadness and giant blazing sky of west Texas, as I most certainly am, or if you aren't serious about life you can watch some bullshit called Sharksanity! on of course Discovery. Discover these nuts, Discovery. That's my pitch for you right now. Otherwise it's Katt Williams's HBO standup special, or on LMN The Haunting of: Michael Søren Madsen.

SUNDAY

Bravo continues their noontime showings of Real Housewives Of Melbourne, which is occupying this fantastic place in the public consciousness (of people who would even be talking about this) as a sort of mythical City of Gold, an El Dorado if you will in the middle of your Domingo, that some rare few have seen and when they come back everyone wants to hear what they saw. Was it grand, was it a little scary, what did they talk like, what is their take on gender issues, do they eat weird food, are there fountains of Vegemite and Nutella as in legend.

That night, at 7/6c. there's an Ovation interview with Matthew Modine, which I only point out because we share a birthday with Reese Witherspoon and it makes me feel like the three of us are in an exclusive club (that they are also aware of) and one day we will have a sleepover and prank-call William Shatner who is not in our club despite having our same birthday, and I will finally know peace.

At 8/7c. it's Big Brother, obviously, a new Real Housewives of New Jersey, and the fourth-season premiere of the most risibly awful television show ever devised, Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off, in which each week garbage humans Rachael and Guy find a different thing to fuck up and then fuck it up. This week it's roadkill. Scraping roadkill off the road, dousing it in EVOO and Sriracha, and then serving it up to a panel of judges including A Raccoon, The Garbage, Some Snakes, and eight-year-old boy Anthony Bourdain who is just there to try and impress you with his ability to eat weird gross things, just like in real life. He has no reservations, not even about roadkill; if you ask him to make a muscle he will flex for you and you can say, "So strong!" Nah, I'm good.

Much more attractive to me is a show on my favorite network, CMT, called Steve Austin's Broken Skull Challenge that I did not make up (or else it would just be actual porn) which this week is entitled "Welcome To The Gun Show." Don't mind if I do; don't mind if I do take you up on that Challenge regarding my Skull, Mr. Austin.

At 9/8c. we say a sad farewell to Travel Channel's life-changing freshman documentary soon to win a technical Emmy or two, if not a straight-up motherfucking Pulitzer, Bikinis & Boardwalks: But we don't walk away with nothing. We have the memories—of bikinis and of boardwalks; of body shots and booty shots; of breasts and thighs and parts—and two last thrilling episodes: Brazilian Beach Blowout and Bikinis Shark Dive. Otherwise it's Kardashian this, Last Ship that, Musketeers over here, Witches of East End over there, an episode of Ray Donovan called "Viagra" that will most certainly focus on Jon Voight's aged penis, and the penultimate True Blood.

Or if those things are too trivial for you, Oprah will be tracking down the Now Where-abouts of Jermaine Jackson, George Takei, Ali Landry, Former Teen Idol Rex Smith and Jason Blair. I can say without judgment or even a mean tone in my voice that I don't give a shit where any of those people are now.

  • Ali Landry Found Catching Doritos in Her Mouth for Spare Change on South American Street Corner
  • Jason Blair Found Pretending Not to Be Jason Blair; Found Lying to Oprah; Found Guilty of Lying to Oprah; Found Abandoned by Oprah's People in the Wilderness, Too Hungry to Even Lie About Stuff. Or Is He
  • George Takei Found At His Desktop Madly Reposting Everything He Sees on the Entire Internet Like the Batty Old Gay Uncle of America That He Just Actually Is

At 10/9c. e! gives us another #richkids before the Botched! finale. Something called "Superhero Sabotage" on something called Cutthroat Kitchen on something called a Food Network. Falling Skies, Masters of Sex, Zombie Dick Vampire Toilet Show, and Manhattan. The grand guignol known as Bravo's adult pageant nightmare circus Game of Crowns is also on, but don't watch it necessarily. There's also The Leftovers, which with only three episodes left, was renewed earlier this week for a second season, which means it will only hurt for a little while and not forever.

Then there's the obligatory John Oliver at 11/10c., opposite the season finale of Robot Chicken—which I don't watch, but not for any real reason, it seems fine and I guess funny—which is titled "Chipotle Miserables," which to me is fairly impressive wordplay, because I guess because I think of myself as fairly cosmopolitan but also thrifty, and also I think Chipotle is disgusting.

Me, I like Qdoba, which I can tell you because we are conversing in text form and so I don't have to have anxiety about how to say the unsayable word Qdoba that would normally cause me to panic and pretend to like Chipotle just so I don't have to think about how you could possibly say that word in real life. Have a wonderful weekend. Oh right and between you and me I think you're looking particularly great lately, so I say get out there and shake it, ya maniac.

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