Weekend TV Sometimes Has To Go Commando

This weekend on TV you are presented with sexy werewolves, stand-up comedy, vampire viruses, a kidnapping stepmother and over 42 kinds of TLC programming interrogating and radicalizing, but mostly blissfully ignoring, the vast gulf in our country between money and class.

FRIDAY

Hemlock Grove came out on Netflix last night around midnight, so you can binge watch that whenever you want (that is how it works). For me, how it works is, that show is either very crappy or I just don't get it, but either way I don't watch it. That one dude is superfine and Famke Janssen is the greatest, but I just... Something about it really rubs me the wrong way.

At 8/7c. you can relive childhood or whatever you have to tell yourself by watching two more episodes of Legend Of Korra—which is currently spending time in Ba Sing Se, which is the most bullshit place you have ever seen, and I hate it when they go to Ba Sing Se because it gives me literal nightmares when I go to sleep—or the next episode of Girl Meets World, which is entitled "Girl Meets Boy," which I guess is like gently reminding us how dumb the original show's title actually was.

At 10/9c., if you still haven't caught the Crossbones wave on NBC—and has any show, ever, screamed "NBC" quite as loudly as "hugely expensive period piece where John Malkovich is a pirate and he meets historical figures"? Guess what, it's network, you're not going to be seeing tits, so really the question is, how intrinsically interesting is John Malkovich qua John Malkovich, and be honest with yourself—there is an antipodal import starting on Syfy called The Almighty Johnsons that I don't really understand, but I think it's like The Witches of East End, only instead of witches they are Norse gods and instead of women they are men? Pass. Or maybe it's super funny, or something.

At 11/10c. Kurt Metzger has a Comedy Central Special with the unfortunate title "White Precious," then two Half Hours, which, I will say again, in fact is known as an hour. Just call it The Hour. You wanna jazz it up? The Hilarious Hour. Done. You're welcome.

SATURDAY

At 8/7c. on CBS there is a new episode of Under The Dome! Just kidding, it's two episodes of Bad Teacher. I still haven't seen that. I am only now restoring my relationship with Kat Dennings and I refuse to let CBS come between me and Ari Graynor too. There is a Lifetime movie called Presumed Dead In Paradise, which is a title that bewitches me. What does that mean?

...Oh man you guys I am so glad I checked out what this movie is. Look.

At 9/8c. who cares what is on, I am still watching that shit right there. At 10/9c. there's a new Almost Royal, which is a show I have to tell you I am really, really digging. The commercials were fucking insufferable but the show itself is dear. Oh, and Sex Sent Me To The ER moves to its new timeslot, before two episodes of something dubious called Buying Naked which, given that the show is on TLC, I'm going to leave a mystery.

SUNDAY

At 8/7c. it's Big Brother noms and BOB, and the sixth season premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey. There's also an episode of Wipeout called "Win A Date With Jill," and if they're talking about Jill Wagner, I would like honestly to accept that challenge. She is marvelous.

At 9/8c. there's True Blood and Witches of East End, or if you are into things that are spectacular in other ways, uh, Ray Donovan and Masters Of Sex start now on Showtime. Otherwise, there's Musketeers, a Sister Wives special about how they actually got into this situation, and a show on Bravo called Game Of Crowns which is about... I don't know how to describe it accurately, so I will just lie and say that it's about adult babies. Game Of Babies. Girl Meets Crown Babies.

At 10/9c. there's another Botched on e!, the second season finale of Devious Maids, a two-episode premiere of Lone Star Lady on A&E, which seems pretty irritating but also maybe interesting? Same on Return To Amish and The Strain, which are on different networks and have crews that are differently able to bargain collectively, but otherwise: basically the same show. Then you should go to bed, or else you can watch John Oliver or Watch What Happens: Live with Dina Manzo and Chris Colfer. An embarrassment of riches! In some ways.

[ Image via Bravo, obviously]

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