Weekend TV Should Probably Choose Its Friends More Carefully

This weekend we've got Airbenders in crisis, a fact-based search for the history and aliens of Atlantis, hauntings galore, sex and the science of sex, plus Oprah checks in with Nicole Richie, Tom Green, and complete lunatic Sharon Stone.

FRIDAY

At 8/7c. there's the last two episodes of Legend Of Korra to air before the chronically mistreated drama moves entirely online, and then at 9/8c. another What Would You Do?, the show that asks what you would do. I don't know why I love that show so much, I just feel like we all pretty much know what the right call is, so the question is more like, How Much Permission Have You Given Yourself To Be A Selfish Dick? And then you watch people wrestle with that, leveraging that, and it's wonderful. Sometimes gross, but often wonderful. Also: At 10/9c. I need you to understand that the H2 Channel—which one would assume exists because there is too much history on the History Channel to contain all the history—will be premiering a new series, In Search Of Aliens, by cutting right to the important shit: The Hunt for Atlantis. Nothing else matters tonight at 10/9c. We're going to solve this shit and it is, apparently, going to involve aliens also.

SATURDAY

The only important thing going on pretty much this entire weekend is that at 8/7c. there is an Original Lifetime Movie—practically a Lifetime Mic Drop, if you ask me—called The Choking Game. In the hours before 9/8c. the world belongs to the children, as it should be: Kid President on The Hub, new series Henry Danger on Nickelodeon, leadup to the Phineas And Ferb Star Wars special on Disney. By 9, it's all about Bad Teacher (two-part series finale), Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark (Syfy, naturally), and then at 10/9c. the first season of BBCA's hilarious sleeper Almost Royal finishes up in Nashville, La Toya and Sex Sent Me to the ER do their usual stuff, and LMN investigates The Haunting of Glee's Dot-Marie Jones. Love that lady. Hope she's unscathed by her experience of ghosts (which are not real)!

SUNDAY

At 8/7c. there's Big Brother, Real Housewives of New Jersey, and on PBS, Last Tango in Halifax. So I guess it just depends on what kind of sex you are into: Dumb people fucking, dumb and mean people fucking, or old people fucking. At 9/8c. there's your favorite show, so I'm not even going to bother to list it, but the rest of us will be watching the Poirot premiere, Oprah tracking down Where Nicole Richie, Fran Drescher & Tom Green Are Now, Sister Wives, and either Ray Donovan or True Blood, or are watching in 2014 and don't actually know or care when anything comes on. 10/9c., kind of the same deal. Obviously there's the show you very much enjoy and love—and nobody's trying to take that away from you, not that they could—but there's also Botched, Leftovers, Masters of Sex, and Vicious, as well as the premiere of WGN's very intriguing period piece Manhattan, and Oprah taking a Master Class from Sharon Fucking Stone.

[Image of Cara Delavingne being her usual awful self via Getty]

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