Weekend TV Is a Well-Known Enemy to Sharks

This weekend on TV we've got hot takes about men in kilts, adorable but missing weathermen, one or more doomful prophecies about the end of days, and a complete lack of interest in fucking Shark Week.

FRIDAY

Throughout the afternoon there's a My Little Pony marathon on the Hub, and then at 8/7c. there's Jessie and Girl Meets World ("Girl Meets Popular") on Disney, and Masters of Illusion on the CW. At 9/8c. there's Ancient Aliens ("The God Particle") on H2, the NINTH season of Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, a new What Would You Do? and the heavy hitters: Dick Cavett's Watergate on PBS and the L Word: Mississippi documentary on Showtime. At 10/9c. is The Almighty Johnsons, In Search of Aliens ("The Mystery Of Loch Ness") a weirdly titled ("Never Too Young") Deadly Women on ID, and a new Say Yes To The Dress: The Big Day. Otherwise it's an hour of Jonah From Tonga (if you're into that; I'm not so much anymore, Chris Lilley is kind of over according to my subjective feelings and should take a little nap and come back later) but more importantly Soderbergh's medical period piece The Knick is finally coming to Cinemax.

SATURDAY

At 7/6c. there's a new Kid President, and then an hour after that , at 9/8c., shit gets real: Hell On Wheels, an hour of Hillbilly Blood on DA ("Cowboy ATV" makes sense, but what is murderous about "Lincoln Logs" such that you need a whole episode about it?) and the finale of My Haunted House ("Followed" and "A Portrait of Evil") on LMN, the Ghost Planes special on H2 (Is that like foo fighters, I wonder, or is it like... Planes who have died, but still have unfinished business in our realm?) and on Hallmark an original telefilm MOW called Stranded In Paradise. Clearly though anyone who is anyone will be watching the Outlander premiere on Starz.

Men in kilts: Your thoughts? Generally they are pretty good in the sack but I must say, most of them come with the anger. That ponytail kind of Male Feminist anger/entitlement that you don't see right away, but by the end of things it's all you see. Hot take.

At 10/9c. it's The Haunting Of Joe Pantoliano on LMN (by a soul patch, perhaps?) and an hour of FYI's Epic Meal Empire, which I don't know what that is or what that network is but the episode titles for this weekend floored me: "24 Hour Fatness" and "Poutine on the Ritz." Let's get that guy a raise! Science Channel has a "Human Lab Rats" episode of a show I'm given to understand is called Outrageous Acts Of Science: Most Outrageous Acts Of Science, which again, brava. So it's that or it's lesbian matchmaking on Nick Mom (for moms!) or it's the two-part finale of Life With La Toya, the latter chapter of which is titled "The Meltdown," so, get ready for La Toya Jackson to go OTT if that's even something you are capable of imagining.

If you are staying up until 2:30/1:30c. to watch Beware The Batman on Adult Swim, which by the way suck my dick Adult Swim, that's almost as bad as what Nick's doing to their greatest show, Legend of Korra, you can check out at 11/10c. two episodes of World's Weirdest Restaurants on FYI, the latter of which is titled "Ghosts & Dragons," so I am fucking sold, right then. No more questions, sir, I'll have one of those and be on my way. The only thing I find missing, in most restaurants, is that sense of the fantastique.

"Waiter, two more small-plates of this delicious dragon dish, please. And I'd like a refill on this ghost of this airplane as well, when you have a minute."

SUNDAY

At or around noonish on Bravo is the smash hit (for a weekend midday, but it is getting a shitload of buzz and I'm totally going to check it out, despite containing, one presumes, the Australians) Real Housewives Of Melbourne. Then Norman Reedus is going to be interviewed on some Ovation show at 7/6c., if you are into people that look like that. Dirty, I mean. I kind of am, but not I would say hugely. Then at 8/7c. it's the Teen Choice Awards on FOX, Real Housewives of New Jersey, or a very exciting, welcome, glorious episode of Big Brother. (Yes against all odds he's safe for now, thanks for asking. I guess prayer and/or The Secret has its place in our modern world after all.)

At 9/8c. it's two more episodes of that learned man's indulgence Bikinis & Boardwalks ("Bikinis And BASE Jumping," by the way), and the finale of Food Network Star in which a person will be suddenly a star? I never understood the end part of that show. I guess the one man came from it, but that's all I ever heard of. (Aarti Paarti? Is that real? Did I make that up entirely?) The Last Ship and Long Island Medium are about equal in quality from what I hear, and the Musketeers are still doing their whole BBC America thing. Ray Donovan versus the Witches of East End is something I would like to see get real brutal, I will be honest about that. The antepenultimate True Blood is upon us, but also a Discovery special called Shark of Darkness (?! interrobang), and Oprah will be finding out Where Now Are: Randy Jackson from American Idol, who just totally sucks; Danielle Staub from Real Housewives New Jersey, who sucks so much she went all the way through sucking to the point of being pretty amazing in her suckiness; and the most thrilling/fascinating gay weatherman of all time, known to his enemies and devotees alike as Sam Champion.

At 10/9c. there's Falling Skies, Ice Road Truckers ("The Lone Wolf"), a new episode of stupid The Strain, that weird sad show on Bravo about the grownups doing beauty pageants Game of Crowns ("Circus Display Of Affection" is an excellent but confusing title), the third episode of Manhattan on WGN, Masters of Sex, and a show debuting on the Weather Channel called Fat Guys in the Woods, and a new episode of the greatest show of all time, The Leftovers.

The fuck are we going to do when Leftovers is over? When the ones who are left over are: Us. It will be we who are the ones that are the left over leftovers. Just like the people on the show. I can wear all white and smoke cigarettes constantly. Just like high school all over again, minus the majority of the sex. Sounds awesome. Just kidding that sounds terrible. It's going to suck.

Finally at 11/10c. there's two excellently titled episodes of Escaping Alaska on TLC ("Hostile Hostel" and "Hollywood Bound"), versus John Oliver and something fishy called Shark After Dark on Discovery. In case you were still participating in Shark Week, which is a bullshit holiday made up by the shark industry to sell sharks and we all know it. Have a great weekend and keep away from sharks, and ghosts of airplanes. And ghosts of sharks. And shark airplanes that are quiet as ghosts and slice silently and selachimorphically through the dark night and before you know it they are shooting sharks at you and that's the last thing you ever fucking see.

[Image via ABC]

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