Tonight's television is a heavily weighted toward female characters, actresses and reality competitors, just as the oracles declared would eventually happen once women got the Vote. Luckily, there is also Quentin Tarantino so it's not a total loss for the rougher sex. (For only medium-rough sex, you'll have to wait until 9 at the earliest.)
At 8/7c. the Top 8 won't be for long on So You Think You Can Dance, and ABC Family reminds us that their sitcoms are not equal to their teen dramas with relentlessly more episodes of the execrable Young & Hungry and Mystery Girls. Of course, all you really need to know is Big Brother, where a fraught house will somehow find the will to fight for the Power of Veto even after the unending, face-tearing, exhausting mayhem of learning Ariana Grande has been hidden in the walls of the Big Brother house the entire time, judging them silently in her wig of gossamer lies.
At 9/8c. America's Talents they Got will be revealed, as will the results of the enduring Sphincian question, "Just Who The Hell Do You, Valerie Bertinelli, Think You Are?" The first episode of the El Rey Network (which is a network)'s El Rey Network Presents: The Director's Chair will focus on the first of two, maybe a thousand, hours of Quentin Tarantino talking in that voice he has—between licking the nihilist feet of various women who have given up on themselves—about directing films.
There's also Suits on USA and TNT's newest addition, Legends. (What's it about, with that vague title? Could be almost anything: And that's what it's about. Boom.) DA offers up two alliterative specials in a row, Mormon Manson and Mennonite Mob, while ID and Discovery provocatively counterprogram with Deadly Devotion: "Amish Serial Killer" and Zombie Sharks respectively. Criminy I hate Shark Week.
Oh right, and speaking of hatred it's also the one-hour finale of Duck Dynasty.
At 10/9c. there's the sixth Extant on CBS, which is doing an interesting thing: because September 24 is the 90-minute finale and premiere of Big Brother and Survivor, Extant is taking time now, at the halfway point, to double down on its ratings before that night. So we have next week and the week after, double episodes, and then 11-13 will play out normally, toward the finale on the 17th. This is exciting to me particularly because I still consider myself a huge fan of the show despite being like three episodes behind, so now just when I'll have burned through them and gotten feverish about the show, as we tend to do, CBS will (for once) be all like, "That thing you like? Here's more of it at a normal place and time you can plan toward."
(Rather than, say, Big Brother, which is like, sometimes it's on at 8, sometimes it's on at 3:41 in the morning. If you don't know, if you can't get there to see it, then maybe you don't fucking care as much as you think you do. Or my God, The Good Wife, which literally has no set programming time at all. On your TV Guide channel or DVR guide there's just a floating question mark next to the head of Julianna Margulies making the McKayla Maroney face. If you ask CBS they'll stub out a cigarette butt on the wall and be like, "Sometime on Sunday, is that not good enough for you? How about maybe just don't worry about it.")
Also at 10/9c. there's The Bridge, Teen Mom, and Graceland; the premieres of Wahlburgers and Franklin & Bash—two shows that people who love them seem to really, really love them, for reasons that mystify but do not bother me at all—a Science Channel special on a subject dear to my heart, "Mining the Moon," P!nk for some reason will show up at the Top Chef Duel between Shirley Chung (NOLA finalist) and Brooke Williamson (Seattle runner-up), and FX's double-episode finale of the four-season fever dream about beer and erections, Wilfrodo.
And finally at 10/9c., it's the premiere of ID's new show Heartbreakers, in which celebrities from the 1980s and 1990s reenact violent crimes. Everything I've seen suggests a winky, Sharknado approach (somebody tells Tracey Gold to "show me that smile again," for one tiny e.g.) but for some reason none of my bullshit detectors have yet gone off. Tonight's episode involves a 1983-set story of love and betrayal in East Texas, and also stars Antonio Sabato, Jr. and adult actor Christopher Knight, best known for playing opposite America's Next Top Model Adrianne Curry in the popular syndicated action soap The Scarecrow & The Ms. Curry.
At 11/10c. Linda Perry holds an intervention five years in the making for Courtney Love on her VH1 songwriting show, and there's a new Virgin Territory on MTV.
[Image via HoleVEVO]
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