Welcome to Wednesday! We've got tonight several premieres of a dubious nature, including one about a dog that is a man and another about a taxi that solves crimes, and also Tori Spelling has done another inadvisable thing for which you should prepare yourself.

At 8/7c. you can watch the Pasadena callbacks on So You Think You Can Dance, or if you hate yourself in some unfathomable way you can join your sisters in self-hatred with the series premiere (after Young And Hungry's premiere, which also looks wretched) of Mystery Girls on ABC Family. I mention this only because Tori Spelling discovered her cultural role (Desperation Personified) a good thirty years ago and has really stuck to the script ever since, which I find admirable, and—in the case of The House Of Yes—delightful.

Me, I will be watching Big Brother, because it is the only thing I care about in the entire universe, if we are being honest with each other, besides America.

At 9/8c., your choices are the series premiere of Million Dollar Listing: Miami, in which people identical to the horrible million dollar people in the other shows of the million dollar franchise do the same million dollar things as on the other shows, except in Miami, making it even grosser. Meanwhile on USA, Suits continues to be about lawyers I think.

At 10/9c., the premieres of Wilfred's final season and the premiere of NBC's presumably short-lived Taxi Brooklyn begin. One or both of these, I believe, is about an Australian man that solves crimes of an automotive nature while dressed as a venerable New York City taxi cab. Otherwise it's The Soup, or Morgan Freeman Traveling Not Without Gravitas Through A Space Wormhole to ask the classic question of whether a Zombie Apocalypse is possible.

The answer will be: No it is not.

Does any of that sound interesting to you? While I am incapable of believing that Taxi Brooklyn is a show, sadly I can very easily believe that Mystery Girls—which I should mention is a half-hour "comedy" on ABC Family about Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth reuniting to grasp for their former lives as actors, a thing that they have already done multiple times in the consensual reality we consider real life—exists, because even if it's more cynical and grabby and sad than even your average TV Land nostalgia-masturbation arrested social-development show, which I didn't know was possible, what would life be without Tori Spelling making the most mortifying decisions she can, each and every day of her life.

Now if you will excuse me I have to get on my high horse and take my sophisticated ass back home for some Big Brother. Good evening to you.

[Image via New World Pictures]