For tonight's entertainment there are impenetrable jargons, city confidentials, an investigation into Minnie Driver's secrets, some other mysterious Secret Rooms, and yet more objectum sexuality jokes.

At 8/7c. the Top 4 Thinkers They Can Dance perform, while Nicole and Donny fight for the POV now that the BOB Twist is over and obviously that means there's only one HOH so clearly the POV is the only thing that matters tonight on Big Brother. I was going to find out what the POV would be like for you, since the competitions have been so amazing this year, but I inadvertently found out who won POV, which makes me disappointed in myself, so we're just gonna shove that shame in the vault and move on.

At 9/8c. it's the America's Got Talent results ("America, the verdict is in. You do got talent.") and the second Million Dollar Listing: LA, if you are into things that are kind of sad if you think about it. Speaking of, the second hour of Director's Chair: QT airs tonight on El Rey; the third episode of Sean "As A Human" Bean is on TNT which is neither sad nor happy, and a show called The Divide that I have never heard of as far as I know also airs its finale, on WE. It's on WE, so I'm guessing it's about vaginas. Maybe a war between vaginas. Star-bellied vs. those without stars upon thars.

There's Killer Kids, which is great for many reasons but especially because of the little dead girl that tells the story of the kids, which gets even creepier when you think about the fact that it's probably a grown-ass lady doing a dead-girl voice. Like picture her (in my head she always looks like Meredith Walker from Teen Wolf, a frizzy halo of Margaret Atwood hair 'round her head), standing alone at a microphone, swishing Fiji water around in her mouth for a second before getting into "dead girl" voice, and then talking about killer kids killing folks, and that is her job.

"Can we do that take again?" she asks. "I didn't sound horribly blank enough. I accidentally had a discernable affect for a second. Give me a break! What am I, a little alive girl? Fuck that. Remember who inspired you to do this career, the drunk gay black man from City Confidential. Do you think he'd be impressed by you right now? Pull it together, Meredith."

Also at 9/8c. there is a double episode of Extant, starting earlier than usual. What a fucking great show it is! Halle Berry is the worst actor on the planet but I like her anyway, and obviously this kind of science fiction story—the kind that is barely itself science fiction because it is a distillate of futurism and the best parts of the last hundred years of science fiction; that throws, like, space garbage-cans at you to make you think it is—is the best possible kind. I wonder who watches it. As I—and TLC—wonder, tonight at 9/8c., Who the fuck Minnie Driver Thinks she Are.

At 10/9c. there's The Bridge, Franklin & Bash, Graceland, and the Motive finale. Alternately you've got Heartbreakers, Preachers of LA which I like, and Teen Mom 2. There were a few other things I wanted to talk to you about though, one being a special on DA entitled simply "Secret Rooms," which is really all anybody needs to hear I think, and a new Lifetime show called Girlfriend Intervention, which: Same. DIY has another one of their classically chilling/robotic episode titles, as follows:


I like to think that the "Sledgehammer" whose day is described above is actually a professional wrestler and not a construction tool or DIY television show. Also that we are married.

But finally, I need you to know that on Bravo at 10/9c. (before Linda Perry uses "Beautiful" to make a point on her VH1 show, Nick Cannon Wilds 'N Out, and the new Virgin Territory), there is a Top Chef Duel between CJ Jacobson and Stefan Richter, two chefs from LA and from the same season (Seattle) who apparently also hate each other the same way. Sometimes having so much in common is a relief, but other times it's Hayley Mills beating the shit out of Hayley Mills. You never know.

These two jerks make each other cook with smoke and with butts, respectively, and then in the big Duel—I am not kidding—Shailene fucking Woodley takes them out in the forest to see if they can forage to her specifications. She is the goddamn worst. She is worse than any murderer. She needs to be stopped. I can do it alone. Anyway, that's what's happening on Top Chef Duels.

A show I will never watch again.

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