Wednesday Night TV Has Become Who It Really Are

As of this morning on Netflix, you can watch the BBC smash Happy Valley, a six-hour drama in the vein of The Killing or Broadchurch or The Fall about old ladies plus murders. Otherwise tonight we've got whodats and whatsits aplenty, tiny little houses with tiny little furniture, and a full-on masquerade.

At 8/7c. it's a Detonator-detonating POV and Zingbot visit on Big Brother; we're down to the Top Six on SYTYCD, and Penn & Teller are doing whatever they usually do on the CW. I'm pretty nervous about Big Brother, as usual, because the thing they do on Wednesdays (POV) is always the most nerve-wracking part but especially this year, since the votes are practically unanimous every single time and since they've made the thing on Sunday (BOB) exciting instead of being just the catch-up day for dorky activities and incomprehensible conversations as they slowly lose their minds. Anyway, I heard a possible spoiler about a rarely enacted rule that could have an effect on tonight's gameplay and now I'm wondering if that's true and if they'll show it and whether it even matters, a.k.a. Whether it involves Zach or not.

It's hard to care about people who Think They Can Dance as long as he's in danger—and also because guess what? You can dance. It's not up for debate: Spoiler alert, you can dance if you are on that show, just now You Think You Need Attention for that fact. They should call it So You Think That Excellence Is Not Its Own Reward.

At 9/8c. there's a double hit of Extant, the America's Got Talent Results show, the second episode of Untitled Show About Sean Bean on TNT and the Suits midseason finale on USA, while on Bravo Million Dollar Listing: LA debuts for the seventh queasy time. How The Universe Works on Science Channel explores the Milky Way, while TLC asks Kelsey Grammer Who The Fuck He Thinks He Are. My favorite thing about Kelsey Grammer, who he is to me, is the time his (then-) wife saw a mermaid floppin' around at a pool party. Still one of the funniest things I have ever seen or heard in my own personal life. I tried to find video of it for you (you would not believe how hard) but I was stymied, so here's the next best thing.

What would you do if you got pregnant by A) an alien, B) Kelsey Grammer or C) A mermaid; what would you do in each of those eventualities. Me, I would rejoice! Then probably I would panic. I would have a list of questions for sure. In mermaid cultures—did you know this? I only recently found this out—it is the males that carry the babies.

At 10/9c. Esquire's Best Bars in America (two concepts that usually don't belong here) visits New Orleans, so that should be interesting. Last time I went there we stayed for a week and someone in our party dragged us to a vampire bar and it was so dumb, the path was all musty astroturf leading into this like darkened grotto, like a Six Flags ride with embarrassing sexual overtones, and I was like, "That is not what I am here for." But then I got turned into a vampire so I guess it worked out. There's also The Bridge, Franklin & Bash ("Kershaw v. Lincecum"!), Graceland, Motive and Teen Mom (before an all-new Virgin Territory, a show I continue to support in spirit, if not technically in eyeball or earhole).

But if you're really hardcore you could watch the DA special on David Blaine ("Beautiful Struggle" !!) or the second Heartbreakers on ID, or How to Kill an Asteroid (!!!) on Discovery, or a special "pop-up" edition of Naked & Afraid, which spoiler alert, probably nothing will be "popping" "up" besides hilarious onscreen commentary, because you can't ever forget the second adjective of the title just because the first one pops out (or up) at you. (Unless fear is your "bag" and then I guess I should reiterate I'm a vampire now, nice to meet you.) Me, my kind of hardcore is more like, the Duels of the Top Chefs Mike Isabella and Antonia Lofaso, or FYI's Tiny House Nation (This week, a 493sf. Vermont Chalet: SO TINY!).

Anyway, do your best to avoid ending up in mermaid hangouts, because I'm telling you that doesn't ever work out, we're just too different. Me with my whatsits and snarfblatts, you with your male egg pouch. Also avoid turning into a vampire, a virgin, or a pregnant. At least until I see you again tomorrow and we can discuss your next step.

[Image of Nic Cage from James "After Hours" Minion's brilliant classic Vampire's Kiss via MGM]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. What are you watching tonight? What are we missing out on? Recommendations and discussions down below.