People say The League is great, and I do like the actors on the show, but it's like, no matter how much you love somebody you will never completely get them. I feel like the whole show is that, up there. Great! Not for me, though. Also on TV tonight there's fucked-up relationships, a prelude to Double Eviction, and a duel between masters.
At 8/7c. it's the finale of So You Think You Can Dance, meaning only one person will be left thinking that, and they will have been proven correct. It's also the last Big Brother before tomorrow's Double Eviction, which if you didn't know—because Big Brother's complexities are obfuscatory and we get it, we love that about it—is kind of a big-deal summer holiday. The first one was when Hayden and Jocasta left, which was sad? But not like super sad.
This time, Caleb is HOH and has Nicole and the disgusting Christine on the Block, because he hates and fears women, because he is not very smart. Tonight is POV—maybe we get to see Zach in the jury house?—and then tomorrow is Live Eviction, and then! A whole week of Big Brother in just one night! Twists and turns! New HOH being HOH no longer than the lifespan of a mayfly! A thousand slings and arrows! Whisper-yelling! Betrayals, bedroom switcheroos, tears and recriminations and sudden reversals of fortune and all you knew or thought you knew! Double Eviction!
At 9/8c., it's the America's Got Talent results with like two weeks to go until we find out whether America actually Gots Talent or if it was just an illusion born of hope. Couples Therapy on VH1 brings the couples back together for a reunion before the season premiere. Did you know the show has been on for five seasons? Last season it was: Taylor Armstrong the most tragic Real Housewife of all time, Ghostface Killah, Jon Gosselin, and Farrah Abraham who was there with no boyfriend and kept trying to be like, "Oh he's around here somewhere, oh he just stepped out for a second, his name's George, George Glass" and finally they were like, "We are onto you and we have been onto you this whole time, why are you on a show literally called Couples Therapy if you are not in a relationship, like you would not show up to Dog Whisperer with no dogs, you would not come to the show The Ghost Inside My Child if what was inside your child was not a ghost/your ghost was not inside a child" and so she just slid off the couch onto the floor and humped herself out the door like she was invisible and the next time I saw her, she was faking like James Deen, who is an amazing person, would ever date her in a million, billion years. And she freaked him out. Professional pornographic performer James Deen being like, "Please slow down, girl, I don't feel entirely safe right now." You know what's cool about Farrah Abraham? Her music, which sounds like what would happen if you left a feral child alone with autotune, because that is exactly what it is. Everything else is just whatever. That's my dx.
This year on Couples Therapy, it's Jenna Jameson from porns, Dick Donato from Big Brother, and Juan Pablo, who is dumb as hell and not even cute, I don't understand why he is on TV. This year of Couples Therapy doesn't look great to me. Maybe Farrah will show up, in Groucho glasses or dressed like one of the Misfits, toting her boyfriend which is actually just a Swiffer Wet-Jet wearing a football helmet. I would tune in for that. There's also Legends and Million Dollar Listing: LA on whatever dumb channels those are on.
Four shows that I won't be watching but I wanted to tell you about, just quickly: American Pickers's season finale tonight which is entitled "Virginia Is For Pickers." That's one. A new show on Animal Planet called Fool's Gold which I doubt even involves animals but does involve our planet, and tonight is entitled "A Miner Setback." That's two. Killer Kids, just because that show is great. And finally, on the OWN network, a show called Love Thy Neighbor which is so nondescript it could very well star Sean Bean but in this case the episode's titled, "Did Philip Get Away," which is evocative I think. For the record I hope he did.
At 10/9c., The Bridge is winding up to wind down, there's a new show on ID called Dead on Arrival that's sure to have a vibrant title sequence, Franklin & Bash and Graceland are still thundering forward into a bright future as is Teen Mom 2, The League and Ali G both return to FXX in what's sure to be a fresh and revolutionary hour-long take on both situations and comedy, Preachers of LA has an aftershow?, and Top Chef Duels pits two kinds of Top Chef I never heard of before, "Masters," from different seasons of a show called Top Chef Masters that I have for sure never heard of despite working for Bravo for like ten years, head to head: David Burke and Takashi Yagihashi.
The big news though, in triplicate: Number one, Extant is the best show in the entire world. I watched nine or ten episodes of it while stressing out about this wedding, and I am here to tell you it is classic entertainment and I now have two favorite Gummer sisters. So sad it's winding down, so glad it's on tonight.
Secondly, on Lifetime there is a show called Girlfriend Intervention that one imagines is girlfriends helping girlfriends—rather than people sitting you down and being like, "Your girlfriend is the fucking pits, here is a letter describing how she has hurt me personally," although what a great and very helpful show that would be, even though the end of every season is just like, "every single one of these people immediately went back to their shitty girlfriend, and if you ever met their mom you would immediately get it"—and in this second episode the girlfriend in need of a girlfriend intervention from her girlfriends is Sam, "Trapped in Teen Fantasy World." Which is crazy!
But not as crazy as the most Esquire show to ever premiere on the Esquire Network, My Friends Call Me Johnny, which is about fuckin' creeps. That's all it is, just creeps chillin' with creeps, callin' each other Johnny. Put a giant ugly watch on Spike and cram it in a Lambo and you've got Esquire, your official network destination for hairplugs, erectile dysfunction, and aspirational misogyny, where tonight at 10/9c. this so-called "Johnny" will be chilling with "Brent" Ratner and Dov Charney. ("My friends call me Brent," Brett will say. "I will never feel valuable or attractive no matter how much money I accumulate or how many drugs I do," Dov Charney will waggle his penis as though it were saying, "Because I am motherfucking tragic as hell.") Brett is the Turtle.
Just kidding, they are all the Turtle; they are all Ray Donovan characters because narcissism is what survival mode looks like in men. What a horrible damned life. My Friends Would Call Me Johnny, Had I Any Friends. Next douchebag you see, think about just giving him a smile, maybe an encouraging pat on the shoulder. No skin off your ass.