Vicki Gunvalson has had a fairly mellow Housewives season, maintaining relative calm and largely avoiding conflict. This has left her with more time to hone her craft of being offensive on a global scale, as in this clip when a viewer asks her to expound upon what gay "looks like."
First, will someone please teach this woman the correct usage of the word "gaydar"? Second, sure her initial series of generalizations was quite complimentary, but isn't that also offensive to the guy she said didn't look gay? Third, "I mean…you're all boy to me," is the coup de grace, if only for the reaction it elicits from Andy. Maybe she needs to attend sensitivity classes at Nene Leakes's forthcoming gay function.
And there's more! In an effort to apologize for some stereotypical beliefs shared earlier in the season, Vicki notes that she's realized feng shui is "not just for Asians, it's actually for Caucasians too." You know she thinks that's because "Caucasian" contains the word "Asian." And when Andy gives her an opportunity to turn to the camera and address the state of Oklahoma, of which she has not been so complimentary in the past, Vicki says, "Flat. Tornadoes. Not good food. Humid, humid frizzy hair. Boring. Boring." The next time she visits Briana, someone's totally going to run her over with a riding mower.
Here's a rundown of other notable highlights/lowlights from The Real Housewives of Orange County reunion part one!
Face Off: So, everyone was looking just a liiiiiitle tweaked, right? Heather had bangs cut backstage at the reunion, which seems like both an alpha aggression move AND an attempt to distract from the fact that something seems to be pulled a bit too tight. When Terry Dubrow's plastic surgery show, Botched, does a Real Housewives of Orange County crossover episode, it's going to be magical.
Save the Children: We have an obligatory montage of Tamra and Vicki freaking out about the fact that their children have their own lives and brains, and then get updates. Tamra is still traumatized about Ryan moving north, and doesn't sound particularly thrilled that he and girlfriend Sarah are a) having a baby; b) planning to get married. And we have a Skype date with Briana, whose new baby is a teeny tiny Oklahoman tater tot of cuteness. Briana actually admits to missing Vicki, despite the fact that she's already visited the "humid humid frizzy hair" state of Oklahoma seven times. This may or may not be because Vicki made meatballs, which we all learn are in Briana's freezer.
The Heather Dubrow Apology Tour: We spend a lot of time in this episode delving into the conflict between the Beadors and the Dubrows, from chair-gate to spread-your-legs-gate. Heather actually admits that she overreacted about the restaurant chair situation, in part because she felt that Shannon had joined forces with Vicki and Tamra to pick on her. Which is a mature way of phrasing things. Shannon appreciates the apology, until Heather busts out with the fact that Shannon DID come out of the bathroom having one of her "Shannon moments," which we all know is code for being cray-cray.
And then there was the Christmas party. Andy asks Tamra if she thinks that Shannon yelled at Heather, as Heather has claimed repeatedly. Tamra does not. Heather NOW says that she DOESN'T think that Shannon yelled and that it was a "misfortunate choice of words." But she can't just actually REALLY apologize without saying that she was talking not about the decibel of Shannon's voice but the tone of her words. In any case, Shannon regrets sticking up for Tamra during that argument, since she now knows that Tamra is a monster.
And finally, Heather feels terrible for not being "softer and easier" with Shannon on the night when Shannon came to her house to get to the bottom of the gossip about her marriage. But she doesn't feel terrible enough to agree with Shannon on the semantics of whether she kicked her out of the house or asked her to leave. In the end, Shannon accepts Heather's apology, and also still basically hates her, which I think is the best resolution we can hope for.
Babbling Brooks: There is still no love lost between Briana and Brooks, and while Vicki admits that Brooks has said some vile, disgusting, unacceptable things (particularly, as was revealed at least season's reunion, telling Briana's husband that he should hit her to keep her in line), she thinks that everyone is entitled to one "hall pass." That hall pass is not given to Tamra, though, since Vicki is still furious that she's talked trash about Brooks. After the two scream at each other for a hot second (eliciting an, "…And I yell," from Shannon), Tamra argues, "I didn't say the guy's a low down piece of shit and he's a con artist." Which is basically her way of saying that the guy's a low down piece of shit and a con artist. Which is maybe not an unfair assessment.
Sad Souls Say So Much: When talk turns to Tamra's telling Heather that Shannon and David were on the rocks, Tamra explains that she wasn't sharing the information in a mean, gossipy way. Shannon notes that Tamra was "so supportive that I was described as a sad soul." Quoth Tamra, "You ARE a sad soul." Shannon is continually pissed about Tamra's pot-stirring proclivities, as well as Tamra's comments about her drinking. Tamra responds that in fairness, Shannon drinks a lot. Later she adds, "I see that Shannon drinks and she twists things."
This is in response to take-the-Beadors-down-gate, and Tamra once again swears that she never said anything about Terry uttering these words. Shannon notes that "There's the truth and the goddamn truth," and apparently she doesn't think that Tamra is telling either. Andy Cohen finally asks Vicki about her comment, in an interview, that Tamra told her the same thing, and Vicki confirms it. She didn't bring it up with the others, though, since she only heard it from Tamra and didn't know if Terry said it or not. Plus she was too busy casing the room and deciding who did and didn't look gay.
We Have a Term for You in Medicine: Househusbands Terry Dubrow and David Beador are on hand, and both 25 pounds lighter. They are both also in women's business, though, as we are soon to learn, in different ways! Terry is a LITTLE dramatic as he says that he "literally lost two months of sleep" over David drunkenly yelling at Heather to spread her legs while bullriding, all in front of Terry's 80-year-old mother and kids. When Andy asks why it was OK for Eddie to yell out similar things, Terry is basically like, "…Ummmmmmmm." It doesn't make any sense, we all know it, just get over it. Also, I don't think anyone is buying Terry's claims that his comments about David being a construction guy weren't demeaning, despite the fact that a) he was raised by a construction plumber, b) "I have the greatest amount of respect for people who work with their hands. I work with my hands."
Terry also thought that David's apology for the incident, in front of everyone at Vicki's finale party, was inappropriate. David thought that it was more honorable that way, and adds that whether or not Terry wants to accept it, it was sincere. Vicki, meanwhile, thinks that David was just giving practical advice, noting, "It wasn't sexual. Get on a bull and spread your legs, that's what you've gotta do."
Speaking of David and spreading your legs, Terry says that Vicki is a big part of why he was so mad at David. She really wound him up by nothing that David a) loves to flirt with her; b) touches her underwear. (?????????) Vicki interjects that David does NOT touch her underwear, but she does think he's a flirt who asked the COLOR of her underwear at least once. It seems that Vicki doesn't mind this so much, as she and Tamra have both agreed that David is hotter than hot. David apologizes to Shannon since it's disrespectful for him to flirt with other ladies. But according to Vicki it can't be helped since, "All he has to do is stand there and he's a flirt. I mean he's sexy!" Andy asks if all of this bothers Shannon, which is a question that can be answered simply by looking at her face.
Next time: We get an update on Christian's ability to get a boner once a week, and Tamra drops a big old "FUCK YOU" to someone.
[Images via Bravo]
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