As if Oklahomans haven't been through enough already, Vicki Gunvalson flies a whole four hours to their fair and dusty state and proceeds to point out everything that's wrong with it. First on the list: Testicles masquerading as fries.
To be fair, though, what Vicki's really pointing out most of the time is everything that's wrong with Ryan. Number one is that he exists. That's mostly it, I guess. Briana stays strong, insisting that she hates California and doesn't want to raise her kids there. Vicki is like HA, because obviously Briana had a totally functional upbringing under her effortlessly sane tutelage. Briana says that when she moves to Oklahoma, Vicki might actually visit and want to help her, and also that with the money she saves on low real estate costs she can buy Vicki a new nose. Well, I'm glad they worked all that out in therapy. They look at one house that has crosses all over it, and my immediate thought was that it must have once belonged to Beverly Hills Housewife Carlton. I love a crossover!
Vicki also has a REALLY hard time with the food in Oklahoma. On the very night she arrives in Oklahoma City, she almost chokes to death on a piece of steak. Briana gives her a half-hearted smack on the back, and eventually she can breathe again. Briana really let that go for an extra moment or two, though, just to spare herself a few iterations of Vicki suggesting that she forget Oklahoma and just move back in with mom. Later, Ryan orders local delicacy "Lamb Fries," to try to trick Vicki into eating testicles. Vicki is wise, though, and not only does she foil Ryan's plan, she declares emphatically that she will never eat anybody's testicles, ever. Exhausted by her ordeals, Vicki eventually realizes that she should keep her mouth shut and let Briana do what she wants to do. At one point Briana says, "Even though you're crazy we love you," like she's talking to little Troy, but we all know to whom that baby-voiced appeasement is really directed.
Meanwhile, back in Cali, Tamra has made an appointment with anti-aging specialist Dr. Lee. She talks to her son Ryan about how she thinks she might need hormones. And at first I was like, "EVERY 28 year old obviously wants to talk to his mother about perimenopause!" But as it turns out Ryan has been taking human growth hormone! That he buys in a parking lot! Literally! Isn't that the stuff that we have to buy organic milk to AVOID? Tamra takes Ryan to see Dr. Lee, who recommends doing a baseline blood test. While he's at it, he'd like to treat Tamra for her testosterone deficiency. She's on board as long as it doesn't mean she'll develop acne or grow a penis.
Oy, and then Heather and Shannon. The episode actually begins with both of them micromanaging their family portraits, because despite their superficial differences they are the same crazy quasi-human under the skin! Shannon's photo is for her Christmas card, because of how she aggressively loves Christmas. We are going to be hearing about THAT some more, rest assured.
With everyone else out of town and/or investigating their adult son's HGH dealer, Lizzie is left to get in the middle of the Heather and Shannon situation. First she goes on a playdate with Heather and her adorable daughter Coco. Coco's angelic nature stands in stark relief to Lizzie's son Preston, who enjoys nothing more than screaming and clocking his mom on the head. This may be related to Lizzie's eventual questioning of whether she is indeed ready to have a third child. What Lizzie really wants from Heather is advice on how to manage Vicki's offensive ass, but Heather knows this is a trick question that the nation's best philosophers have been pondering to no avail. So she turns the conversation to how Vicki and Tamra have been giving Shannon an audience for everybody's new favorite hobby: shit talking Heather.
Then Shannon randomly has a makeup lesson at her house and invites all the girls, but apparently everyone except for Lizzie and her friend Danielle were too busy organizing their sock drawers to come. And the only reason Lizzie and Danielle are even there is because they want to see Shannon's crazy huge house, including the elevator that she never uses because she's claustrophobic. They talk some about the Heather situation, but the big revelation is that Shannon once had a huge nose! She hated it, and so got her nose and chin plastic-surgified all at once. I'm sure her chin implant was certified organic. Perhaps this subconsciously influences Lizzie's later talk about the mandatory Orange County "mom job"—which I guess is some sort of full-body lift?—that all women must undergo after having a third child. No wonder Briana finds such appeal in the dark tornado cellars of Oklahoma City!
Finally, Heather and Shannon meet nose job to nose job to hash out their differences. Shannon immediately orders a vodka, which is appropriate. Shannon's issue is that Heather has singled her out, and also has a raging case of the "I'm up here and you're down here"s. Heather's issue is that Shannon stole her friends from her, and she's feeling left out. Talk turns, as it inevitably must, to the Great Javier's Chair Incident of yore. Heather says yet again that Shannon was scary-angry about the chair situation, but Shannon denies it. And, I mean, footage does show Shannon being kind of weird about it, but then again she's weird about everything! How can you even tell?
Heather also says yet again that, during Chairgate, Shannon yelled at her all the way from the bathroom to the table. And I feel certain that if this actually happened there would be video evidence. This is not a show that's reticent to throw us a sepia-toned flashback. Eventually, Heather and Shannon agree to discuss problems as they arise to try to fend off misunderstandings. And then secretly they both have a problem with that and totally don't discuss it. This will probably work out great! Maybe Terry will mediate the situation by occasionally sneaking Shannon a cookie when Heather isn't looking.
Next time: HGH is probably going to kill Ryan, and it's time for a Tamra/Heather showdown!
[Image via Bravo]
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