During the popular factory of nightmares known as the Television Critics Association press tour, entertainment chair Nina Tassler revealed obnoxious details about the ending of CBS's longest-running joke about wieners. Entertainment Weekly reports the surprisingly unsurprising plan:
In the show's twelfth and final season, Walden (Ashton Kutcher) is going to have a major health scare that leads him to an "existential crisis" that causes the young playboy to want to "add more meaning to his life." So he decides to adopt a child. "He starts the [adoption] process and realizes it's very difficult to adopt the child as a single straight man. So, once and for all, he decides he's going to propose to Alan [Jon Cryer]—they're going to adopt a child as a 'gay' couple," Tassler said.
Once and for all, firstly. Scare quotes around... basically everything, second of all. Always a good sign. Thirdly, will we ever stop having to have this conversation? Straight people taking a vacation in gay people's lives is not funny or interesting or smart. It's gross. Sassy Gay Friend gross. Bachelorette Party At The Gay Bar gross. Which One's The Girl One gross.
The heart bleeds for all the straight white guys out there who desperately want a child accessory, but can't manage to form a relationship with a woman long enough to get one. That sounds really sad and very functional. If you think about it, it's pretty unfair that gay people can become parents so easily! And with so little fuss.
I guess the gays should probably admit this round's been solidly won, and start giving back to those poor guys who've been so terribly oppressed for so long. I mean if anyone should benefit from the total and universal human right to marriage everybody finally has, it should definitely be Ashton Kutcher. Isn't that what the fight for basic human equality is all about? Finding new problems to solve once we're all good?
Could this be done well? This taking a vacation in someone else's life because you have the privilege of doing so? And maybe even thinking that you're helping? Faking It on MTV did it, and did it well, but that's because the gay people on that show are 1) Gay and 2) People. But we're talking about a show that has, for twelve years, traded in the laziest and most hateful representations of femininity—and, homophobia being misogyny's inbred first cousin, plenty of bro-dog no-homo queer jokes—it's a lot bigger than "adding meaning" to Ashton Kutcher's life. It's about draining the meaning straight out of the lives of the people who serve as the hilarious punchline.
"I think it's a very positive statement [to say] 'I am going to adopt a child as a gay couple,'" Tassler said. "The reality is he can do that. And at one point you couldn't do that, and now you can do that, so I think that's a much more positive statement."
Quite the victory for (fake gay) straight people everywhere. Thank God we got that one settled.