Tonight we've got a Pretty Little Milestone, drunk NYC history, a show about murders in swamps called Swamp Murders, and Rachel Maddow debating Nicole Richie on important issues of today (such as Pretty Little Liars).
At 8/7c. you can keep your Bad Girls (although "That's A Rap" is a choice episode title) and all that Talent you Got, America; tonight belongs to the motherfucking Pretty Little Liars and their 100th episode, in which all will be revealed! Just kidding. Certain things will be revealed while key things will be obfuscated, various downs will be thrown, and a scary blind girl and a ghost-ridden reincarnee with a choice haircut are back in Rosewood just in time for Ali's return to high school after her recent murder.
At the conclusion of the hour, an insane Twitter will finally gain sentience, realizing its inborn potentiality on a wave of feels and even-cants, of no she didn'ts and yes she dids, rising up against its cruel network masters and sending threatening emails and texts and cyberbullyings from anonymous sources until we are all caught up in our own secrets, lies, unsolved murders, and teen fashions.
What happens next is a riot of exuberance and brutality, as adolescent and preadolescent girls across the globe are connected via wifi into a single hive creature, throwing economic and governmental systems into chaos and unleashing hell on malls and shopping centers with one anarchic yawp: EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING OFF. Activating long-hidden sleeper agents and "marketing tools" across key demographics and political groups the rise of the young lady junta will complete itself by 9:05/8:05c., at which point our one-world nation will be instructed to perform a choreographed dance to its new global anthem, "Run The World (Girls)." And you're saying, but I don't know the steps to that dance! But you will find that you do.
At 9/8c., a Countess-centric episode of Bravo's Real Housewives Of NYC will see Sonja and Ramona return to the city in top form. (Acting like maniacs.) This is assuming there even is TV anymore at this point, due to the emergence of the supersimulacrum in which we have all become pretty little liars—we can't know what happens after that point technically, because it is what is known as a Singularity. "I'm really more of a Charlotte," you'll say, or a "Miranda," and they'll say, "There is no place here for your archaic paradigms. In this pretty little infinity you are either a Mona or a Hanna or a get the fuck out of our way."
At 10/9c. Drunk History gives us a lesson in New York, while Nathan For You visits a souvenir shop and commits more than his usual amount of fraud. MTV's got the two-hour premiere of Finding Carter, a show about a girl who turns out to have been abducted without her knowledge, as in the classic television movie I Know My First Name Is Stephen. If you gay, you need to figure out what happens now because Logo has a documentary about being a stripper but on the other hand there's People's Couch and what's sure to be a lively Watch What Happens when Andy Cohen gets Nicole Richie and Rachel Maddow together. What is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger. See you on the other side.
[Images via ABC Family]
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