How were your Emmys? I heard it was very Emmy at the Emmys. As you know, I had a date with literally anything else. Tonight on TV, as we recover, there will be: Sex with toasters, drunk historians, group dates with loose women and Bad Girls, arranged marriages, and the death of at least one pretty little liar.

At 8/7c., after a House of Style VMA special called, notably, "All Up In The VMAs"—can't say MTV isn't still speaking to the youth—there's a Bachelor In Paradise on a random night for some ABC reason, the Bad Girls Club Reunion on Oxygen, the channel for ill-behaved women, and yet another mysteriously horrible iheartradio special on the CW (Maroon 5 up in the iheartradio special!). If you are into bigger bummers than even that, a withered bag of sticks and hair will be doing 90 minutes of hilarious fresh comedy riffs on e!'s special Emmy edition of Fashion Police.

Meanwhile, Pretty Little Liars will have their summer finale, entitled awesomely "Taking This One To The Grave," on ABC Family. Which of the people on the show will die? I hope it's somebody unexpected! (It won't be.) I wish it was always somebody dying on that show. They run through so many guest stars anyway, why not just kill them? It's not like people stay dead on that show, unless they're gay minorities.

At 9/8c. Iyanla will be Fixing the Life of Ferguson Missouri, and not a moment too soon in my opinion and that of noted cultural critic Jon Hamm; TNT and USA are reppin' momma-dramas with Rizzoli & Isles and Royal Pains; reality gets feisty with Below Deck on Bravo and Sisterhood Of Hip Hop on Oxygen, while in competition reality you've got a new Face Off on Syfy and Dance Moms ("Chloe Gets Revenge") on Lifetime. We'll be over here watching everybody's favorite arranged-marriage experiment, Married at First Sight, because literally we can't not at this point.

My fear with arranged marriage is not so much that it wouldn't work out, or that the chemistry would be off, because I feel like life is mostly effort anyway, but I would worry that I was being punk'd, like, somebody down the line was not being genuine about the experiment. "Sign right here!" they'd say, and you're like, "Sure I am game for an experiment," and then they'd be like, "Ya burnt! You are married to a toaster oven full of garbage!" and then what are you going to do, be a poor sport about it? Sure it is a very mean joke, but you don't want them callin' you a pussy. No, you gotta take that thing home and plug it in and give the people a nice polite round of applause. "You got me this time, guys. You really did." And then even if you divorce the toaster oven, you still can't ever marry a Catholic, which really cuts down on your next marriage options. Maybe you could annul the marriage to the toaster oven, but that really depends on him.

At 10/9c., before the Chelsea Lately live finale at 11, there's another 20/20: From Hell, a whole show about bitching which I can't imagine enjoying unless I were the sort of person that enjoys bitching so much in their everyday life that they can't wait to come home and watch more bitching; the finale of Apollo Live on BET, finales for Covert Affairs and Tyrant; a new Finding Carter on MTV, and the next Singles Project on Bravo.

Do you ever wish some random Americans could tell you what you are doing wrong on your dates? That sounds like it would be stressful in some ways but in other ways at least you are being distracted by people. I'd like to crowdsource all of my actions and choices, frankly. For I cannot be trusted, not one whit.

Over on Comedy Central, Khal Drogo will be playing a giant historical baseball player on Drunk History, in its new timeslot after tosh.0, which is premiering its summer season. Ice Bucket Challenge Fails, I would imagine, is all that will be happening tonight on that show. Kind of redundant at this point. I have nothing pertinent to say about Daniel Tosh except that I miss Jeselnik Offensive and Ridiculousness is the worst piece of shit on TV, so on balance I would say I am okay with Daniel Tosh. Actually I absolutely love him, but liking him is the only reason I think a person would watch his show, which is fun but not that fun, so I guess I should say I am "just okay" with tosh.0, and leave Daniel Tosh out of it.

"This is my husband Daniel Tosh. He is a toaster oven full of garbage. But we're working on it."

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