Tonight on TV you've got musical spectaculars for every taste, if you are among the lonely, and if you aren't there's a bunch of murders, an abundance of nuns, and the end of all secrets.
AT 8/7c.
- Enjoy "Three Times the Pain" on ID's Motives & Murders, whatever the hell that means, followed by Murder Book, if you want two times the murders, in book form, or
- Hit part two of the Bad Girls Club reunion, which promises to answer the question of whether Badness is something we naturally learn or something to which we must first aspire, or if you are in more of a sublime, less secular mood,
- Take a Sacred Journey to Jerusalem on PBS, ignoring all the million question marks and asterisks in a pleasantly Republican fog, or split the diff with the rest of us and
- Combine the sacred and profane by watching the One Direction TV Special on NBC. Harry Styles to be a very interesting person one of these days, I predict. Liam is never that interesting in any timeline, but he does continue to get hotter as he ages into a human man. The crystal ball reveals no more at this time.
AT 9/8c.
- ABC has a special about what 2014 is and was all about, so that could be a fun bummer if you like bummers, or of course there's always the huge bummer of VH1's Bye Felicia!
- NBC's all like, One Direction get you all revved up and ready to roll? Because get ready for a mind-bending journey into the erotic with... Michael Bublé!
- Little Couple and Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, two opposite things in every way you can imagine, face off against, uh
- The Line, which I just looked up on the internet and I feel like Game Show Network is having some kind of breakdown.
"We have taken something most people dislike—waiting in line—and turned it into the most fun you have ever had, with cash, prizes and 500 new friends!"
What. We have taken something most people dislike and turned it into the most fun you have ever had. That thing? Standing in a line! Catch Debra Messing in Black Friday, the darkly funny miniseries coming next fall from Game Show Network. Tune into TLC this weekend for a special episode of Sex Sent Me to the Dentist. Love clipping the shit out of some coupons but hate actually redeeming them? Nat Geo Wild has your ass covered with its new series, Clip 'n Shred.
AT 10/9c.
- Double Benched on USA, including guest appearances by Molly Shannon and Erinn Hayes, aka Dr. Lola Spratt. And hopefully they finally give Maria Bamford something to do. (Just kidding, they won't. Keep cashin' those checks, homegirl.)
- Girlfriends' Guide continues doing whatever it's doing, I'm sure it's fine, whatever. Whatever, girlfriend, you do you. Write your own guide. I support you but only in theory.
- And on AHC it's America: Facts vs. Fiction on the facts and fictions surrounding "Conquering the Sky," Chopped is a "Family Food Fight," ID's Crime to Remember remembers a crime in a spooky "Cabin in the Woods," and
- LMN's Living in Secret comes to an end after four episodes, meaning it has ruined only eight lives, times however many people were also ruined by the secrets being revealed in each episode, for a total of somewhere between ten and forty lives, so good job LMN.
- In real reality TV, though, it's the last two hours of The Sisterhood on Lifetime, and the second episode of Real World: Skeletons.
If you were already dumb enough to be on Real World I bet you would have some skeletons, so these idiots probably have some good ones. My skeleton would be nothing, just like, "Remember me, your babysitter from first grade? You were convinced I was secretly LeVar Burton and worked yourself up into a frothing meltdown when I wouldn't admit it?" My bad for noticing your star quality and assuming you'd done something with it, my apologies for cruising through an amazing exciting life, surrounded by imaginary celebrities. But I live for the kicks! Sorry you can't keep up!
At 11/10c., speaking of kicks, let's Watch What Happens: Live when the absolutely reasonable Anna Kendrick meets the insanely unreasonable Yolanda Foster while Andy Cohen gnaws his knuckles and hopes for the best. But if they do the thing with the cups, I'm out. I can't stand that.
Morning After is a mind-bending journey into the erotic for television appreciation and discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.
