How goddamn dare Tori Spelling invite us into her home, into her bedroom, onto her damn DUVET and then get coy about what freaky stuff Dean McDermott asked her to do in the bed.

Like 99.9% of the viewing audience I tuned onto the Extra-Follow-Up "Unseen Footage" episode of True Tori to follow up on the promo of Tori telling her marriage counselor she was doing things with Dean in bed married couples just don't do. My mind reeled with the possibilities: My Little Pony butt plugs? Sensuous mid-coital Bic pen & needle tattoos?

The promo footage was all we got. Tori was like "Ladies don't tell. All I will say is that Donna Martin graduated."

[Record scratch, monocles lifted to aghast old people's faces as they sit in opera box, footage of dog doing jump forwards run backwards at high speed, "BOING" sound effect]

I'm going to briefly quote here something Tori Spelling said in an interview with Vulture:

at least once a week I get "Donna Martin graduates" or someone will be like, "Can I say it around you?" I'm like, "Yes, please." They're like, "Can you say it back to me?" I'm like, "For sure."

Well, you know, way to try and reclaim your pop cultural references, I guess. I still have no idea what sexual acts two people who've been married seven years wouldn't try but maybe that's for the best. Yet still I stuck around for the whole "Unseen Footage" episode and while Tori says her truth is that she has hope, the real truth is the following:

  1. She fully expected him to give her reality a boost/perfect romcom arc by missing his flight to Vancouver and blowing off Canadian Chopped, and honestly that would have been he savvier move, Deanie.
  2. I am extremely worried Tori has an eating disorder or body dysmorphia. TORI YOU ARE LOVELY STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK YOU LOOK FINE PICK A NEW MENTAL TOPIC FOR A WHILE.
  3. Dean got a tattoo over his dick that says "TORI'S" during his first go round hosting Chopped Canada which basically translates to "Tempt Not A Desperate Man."
  4. Dr. Wexler should certainly be formally disbarred/defrocked/de-certified for allowing reality cameras to document something like a marriage counseling session.
  5. Every time we saw footage of the marriage counseling sessions it was very clearly Dean trapped in a room by two other people, saying anything and everything he could so they'd let him out of that room. Therapy for Dean is like getting captured by an alien who keeps talking to you like you know how to speak Martian and eventually you just wing it and say with complete gravitas: "Blooorp. Ho wo wo, Blorp."
  6. Why did they edit out when her one super savvy friend told her she was worried about when the reality cameras turned off, because then Tori couldn't put that distance between herself and what was actually going on in her life? Sort of a super important point.

LOL nothing not on camera exists, ever! JK. Even though Dean got on the plane for Vancouver, Tori made her own happy ending by assuring us that Dean being in her reality series WAS the big romantic gesture she'd been hoping for all along. That was his version of not going away for two months to film Chop Chop Canada after she specifically asked him not to go. He helped her build her media platform so she could crucify him on it's timbers. I guess you can forgive a guy a lot for that kind of teamwork.

[Image via Food Network]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.