On the television tonight there are cartoons for the gender-fluid child in you, killer boyfriends for the romantiphobic Liz Lemon in you, a double Defiance for the former Mayor in you, and Big Brother for the aggressively bicurious golf instructor in you.

At 6/5c. there's Teen Titans Go! which is off-and-on my goddaughter's favorite program so I have seen a lot of it and I find it good, and then Steven Universe, which I don't love but lots of people do. The former is about wacky adventures by teen superheroes and the latter is like, what if a fat gay kid from the '80s wrote a fan fiction story about joining the cast of Facts of Life. What if you were the Mackenzie Astin of a post-Finn feminist superhero cartoon. I'm not saying I wouldn't do anything like that—not even saying that I didn't—I'm just saying I'm 36 now.

At 8/7c. there's The Quest, but honestly there's really just Defiance. For some reason it's back-to-back episodes tonight, but I guess that's just to hype us for the finale next week. Now, last year's finale was pretty much the pits in a lot of ways, so I think tonight's double-header will be especially important, given that we've just recently hit a pretty explosive act break, with massive shifts involving arguably the two closest characters to Amanda Rosewater this year; the fact that the second of tonight's episode is entitled "Doll Parts" makes me even more worried than usual for our riot grrl-obsessed former Mayor. (Did you see her St. Finnegan medal at Stahma's private mourning ceremony? Scary!) Or perhaps it's simply indicating she'll end up with the most cake.

At 9/8c. there's Dating Naked on VH1, Sundance's Rectify and Rush on USA, and the Rookie Blue two-hour finale on whatever station that's on. There's the second Braxton Family Values ("Sisters on the Verge"!) and a two-hour premiere of something called Gypsy Sisters on TLC that was explained to me as being a more depressing spin-off of the already depressing My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I guess there are sisters and they fight a lot. And that sounds awful to me, too. I would only sit through that shit for one reason and it is named Jacqueline Laurita and she is no longer on TV, so: No.

Do you find that you can handle any amount of Amish stuff but (American) "Gypsies" just bum you out? Is this a thing we have in common? It's so weird too because objectively speaking—or at least in terms of my fucked-up Western ideology—the Amish have it much tougher. If I had to rank reality-TV things I can handle it would be Honey Boo Boo on the far left (Pumpkin to the farthest left) and then waaaay over here on the right, TLC Gypsies. And like two-thirds to the left, most Amish shows, and maybe slightly to the right of that, Breaking Amish, which was... the word is harrowing.

Otherwise it's Project Runway and Big Brother—both of whom have open threads tonight, if you can handle that much fun after dark—and a show that I hate for being on ID because I know how the story will end, called Handsome Devils, which I presume is about killer boyfriends and Craigslist murderers, although I think it would be funnier if it was just one lady that kept accidentally dating murderers and being like, "Classic Lisa. When will I learn?" but already I know they are going to cast exactly the kind of actors that make me feel confused about if murder is sexy or not, and then on top of it this one's called "The Navy SEAL Pastor," which is like, literally all the things. So I will definitely be watching that for sure! I need to stay informed on exactly what kind of murders I deserve for dating these total hotties all the time, because apparently that's the #1 way your ugly ass can die.

At 10/9c. It's Garfunkel & Oates on IFC and Honorable Woman on Sundance, opposite Married/You're the Worst on FX and SWV Reunited on WE, then at 11/10c. you have the new Black Jesus on Adult Swim, and the third of Showtime's 7 Deadly Sins: Wrath.

What makes you enraged or wrathful? I can't think of anything. I guess I'm just super chill and easygoing is probably why. People are always saying so, all like "I can't imagine your spooky intensity would ever erupt into explosive rage, that's so cool about you" and I'm like quiet for a few seconds and then I'm all, DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT! Oh, we have fun. Do you like fun? We have fun.

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