It's gonna be a dark one out there, kiddos. Dark and fulla terrors. Best to stay in, lock up tight, have a glass of wine and just enjoy all the alien and nerd sex, the plastic surgeries, the comedy premieres, and the sweet, sweet laughter of Rebecca Romijn.

At 8/7c. There's Defiance, which I know I always say this but it is fucking great this year; a different kind of nerd might enjoy The Quest, which we love here at MA so far; and if you are not feeling those kinds of things, save your energy for when things get busy in an hour, or kick off your shoes and learn about another of the Secret Societies Of Hollywood on e! (this time it's the secret society in "Pursuit Of Perfection," meaning shocking body mods and plastic surgery, so I guess we're defining "secret society" fairly loosely, at this point).

At 9/8c. it's the busiest hour of the summer so far: You got Dating Naked, an hour of Honey Boo-Boo, Project Runway and Rectify if you are basically normal; Dominion if you are on the Syfy tip with me; and after Don't Be Tardy ("Spring Break Forever, Biermanns") there's an interesting (ish?) new show on Bravo, Extreme Guide To Parenting ("The Indigo Child & The Coddled Toddler"). We'll see about that.

Me, I'll almost certainly be seeing my favorite Houseguest on Big Brother go home, so that sucks basically for me but is great for seemingly everyone else inside or outside the house. On the other hand it's Double Eviction, which I couldn't explain to you if I tried but is basically considered a High Holy Day in our house. Expect a Grouchy, Sleepless, Grumblin' Jacob come the dawn, my friends, even if I find a way to enjoy it with actual enthusiasm after the gut-wrenching ouster about to happen.

Some drink to remember, some drink to forget, some drink to mourn the passing of a dear, dear friend. And some drink because the only thing worse than loving a total prick is losing that total prick before it's time; to make the uncoupling as unconscious as possible is sometimes all we have. Farewell, sweet prince, et illegitimi non carborundum. As you were my everything, so without you I am nothing. Frustra ego sum; ego sum, frustra.

You burnt too brightly, and now ya burnt.

At 10/9c. is the IFC premiere of Garfunkel & Oates, about which you can read more over in our breakdown of today's big premieres; the subjectively off-putting Maggie Gyllenhaal in the Sundance miniseries The Honorable Woman; and there's new episodes of Married and the consistently engaging You're The Worst on FX.

At 11/10c. there's two more premieres (see above): Black Jesus on Adult Swim and 7 Deadly Sins on Showtime, and there's also Watch What Happens: Live with wonderful Daniel Radcliffe and even more wonderful Rebecca Romijn. Two very exciting things! As long as you remember that she always brings her awful fucking husband along. Which, speaking of:

[Images/video of—a by-turns discursive and elucidatory, a perfidious, a mercurial, a pensive, an en dehors and en pressant, a celebratory and filial—Zach Rance courtesy CBS. Never, ever forget.]

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