Tonight it's either two hours of aliens or two hours of dorks, Maria Menounos figures out some stuff that's been bugging her, Big Brother continues into its perennial shitter past the halfway point, a heartwarming story about Jamaica is related, and we make some guesses as to Nicole Richie's whole deal.

At 8/7c. on Syfy, Defiance is having its two-hour finale. I didn't totally love the last two episodes, but this season has been so fantastic that I'm still hugely excited for tonight. That's up against a double episode of The Quest, which is funny if you think about it, and then on e! Maria Menounos who I quite like, who—along with Seacrest obviously—is like, the only e! person I can honestly stand at this point. Downside, she's investigating tonight such Untold things such as: "Rags To Reality," "Star Stalkers," and humiliat-/infuriatingly, "EDM-Pire." Maria, let's get you a real job. I just think you can do anything, I honestly do.

At 9/8c. it's the deciding Big Brother episode: Will Donny or Nicole go home? I can't wait to see what the bores, dipshits and lunatics left in the House will decide. Last night I said definitely Donny will be back for an All-Stars, right? And then somebody whispered, "Donny and Ian Terry" and I got shivers all over my body. What if it was Donny, Ian Terry and Zach Rance. I would die. I would implode, like a star turning itself into a black hole portal to other dimensions. Like a coal making diamond of itself.

There's also Braxton Family Values, whose episode title "Jamaican Me Crazy" was the theme of my Junior Homecoming. I remember exactly where I was standing, in Midland Park Mall by the Claire's—with my Alternative friends—when who should appear, worlds colliding, but my best Spanish Class buddy The Glamorous J'Lynn:

J'Lynn: "Guess the theme for Homecoming, I just got out of Committee."
Jacob: "I can't wait for you to tell me the end of this joke."
J'Lynn: "It is ... 'Jamaican Me Crazy.'"
Jacob: "I have never been more impressed or prouder of the Robert E. Lee High School Student Council in my life."
J'Lynn: "Had a feeling you needed this info ASAP, lol."

Jacob: "...Say it the fuck again."

Dating Naked, Doomsday Preppers ("There Will Be Chaos"!), Project Runway, and Rush on USA also air. At 9:30/8:30c., the excellently titled Bravo parenting show with the excellently titled episodes, Extreme Guide To Parenting, airs an episode called "The Highly Disciplined Warriors & The Total Package." Don't you already feel like you know both those families intimately just from those seven word sand one coordinating conjunction? I hope that one day people will refer to my brood just casually as "the highly disciplined warriors." I hope the fuck out of that. "Oh and here comes the highly disciplined Clifton warriors, better lock up your daughters! Or your sons, whatever happens it's fine, it's your life, we won't think of you any differently."

At 10/9c. the generally well received #candidlynicole returns. The impression I get about Nicole Richie, based on almost zero information, is that as she got older and better at life, she did not get dumber. Sometimes when people get less crazy they get less interesting but it seems as if for her, the smart girl imprisoned inside her awkward years is still with us. (I still don't watch the show, so like I said this is based almost entirely on no facts whatsoever.) IFC has another Garfunkel & Oates, if you don't have a problem with that sort of thing, while the fifth Honorable Woman airs on Sundance. It's Married/You're the Worst on FX, in other words giving you a half-hour before You're the Worst to finish up your day business.

At 11/10c. there's an afterparty immediately following the just-wrapped second season of Party Down South on CMT, and the fourth Deadly Sin (Envy) on Showtime, but what I wanted to mention is that I just caught up on Black Jesus, and it's fucking amazing. I highly recommend it. I don't even know what else to say, just that I feel dumb I took so long to get to it, but also highly satisfied by the fact that I got to watch three in a row just in time for tonight. Great show.

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