Tonight we've got sacred cows, horny aliens, trenchant opinions about game shows, and gingers taking the "M" outta MPDG, with a vengeance.
At 8/7c., Black Box finishes up with a two-hour season finale and is never heard from again, because dumb and mean is a bad look on anybody. Shame, because the pilot was fantastic and the actress is marvelous, but oh well. Try harder. Hell's Kitchen names its twelfth winner on Fox's finale, and Lifetime starts a night of Project Runway programming with the usual casting special.
Hollywood Game Night seems to involve Jane Lynch hosting herself? Kind of a lonely party to have to watch, but I guess if anybody could make one-person boardgaming a riot, it would be one Constance Carmell. Meantime I'll be watching my beloved Defiance on Syfy live, no longer time-shifting, because that shit is crazy this season.
At 9/8c. there's Rectify, and the third week of Welcome to Sweden and Working the Engels on NBC, Dominion gets yet more intricate, Dating Naked maintains its current level of nakedness, and Honey Boo Boo premieres two episodes hopefully highlighting the delightful new presence of Uncle Poodle in Chickadee's old room.
There's also the next eviction on Big Brother, which if you aren't aware is just as fascinating this year as it was last year. The house is so off-balance from the lopsided Nice Guy bullshit perpetrated by the dumbest person there that the sheer angry needy entitlement of one tiny man's tiny little boner is warping literally everything around them like a Lovecraft story.
You've got gay sociopaths and bi-curious psychopaths holding hands with each other and the hero of the entire season is identical to the King In Yellow and one girl is fully dressed as a frog, but still the only thing anybody can think about is: How long it will be until Caleb tries to kill Ronald Reagan for Amber or strangles her with her own hair or whatever he is going to do that represents the bottom line of how crazy Caleb is going to get, and then also for some fucked up reason they are all wondering how much to blame Amber for it.
It is a fucked-up mess but because the entire house is a dutch oven that never lets up, it also represents America and what it is like to live always with the constant downward pull of artificial gravity that is straight guys thinking their entitlement into reality by sheer force of will and the rest of us helping them do it. Amazing.
At 10/9c. there's an hour of the Leah Remini show, which I have no idea how that turned out; the second week of Married/You're The Worst on FX, and if that's not depressing enough for you the Last Comics Standing are engaging in the venerable and not at all dumbass tradition of doing a roast, or what I like to call "Nasty Christmas For Nasty People."
Of course in other nasty-people news, there's also Maron and on VH1 there's LeAnn and Eddie. So it's nasty people pretty much all the way down, at 10/9c. You can put a cherry on that sundae at 11 though, if you want, with another mystery episode of WWHL, but I'll probably be in bed by then.
Am I wrong about roasts? It just seems like some bygone bullshit to me. Like in 2051 we'll tell our own grandkids "Yeah, there were people whose entire job was just to go to this place and say super shitty things about each other and pretend they were having fun," and our grandkids will just be like, "But why? Had you not invented passive-aggression at that point in human history, that you need to make it an institution? Did you not know what actual fun and pleasure were like yet?" And we'll be like, "It was sort of punk rock or something?" and they'll say, "Either way I just wish Joan Rivers would die already. What a useless old bitch." And we'll agree with them, but we'll keep quiet. Just like always.