Even though it is Thursday, NBC Sunday Night Football premieres tonight (Packers/Seahawks) which is exactly the kind of thing where I say, "I fundamentally don't get football" and you say, "That's because you're so dumb!" Otherwise, tonight on the TV we've got beauty secrets from famous children, a dragon attack, deadly dentists, swiftly naked dating, and a complete ranking of sins, from venal to carbohydrate.

At 8/7c., if you're not watching football maybe you could watch a double episode of ABC's The Quest, in which first a "Verlox" attacks the Questers and then the Questers attack a dragon. Or if you are into beauty secrets, e! has a special on them, the beauty secrets of particularly the A-List.

How crazy would it be if one time they promised you an hour of beauty secrets and they were all total secrets? "Eating sand from the Scottsdale Arizona region, nobody knows why but it'll trim those cottage-cheese thighs like nothin' else." But you see, that would never happen because of the Conspiracy. Who do you think pays the light bill at the e! network? It ain't those Dove ads with the ugly people, I know that much. What I would like is the beauty secrets specifically of Willow and Jaden. I know about whipping your hair back and forth and I know Jupiter is involved, but after that I'd really like Maria Menounos to take me through it. I feel like they have much to teach us and I want to encourage them to do that as publicly as possible.

Probably I will be catching up on Big Brother but if I weren't, I would be very interested in the double-header finale of ID's Handsome Devils, "Deadly Dentist" and "Abusive Charmer." Show me a handsome devil who's a charmingly abusive, deadly dentist, and I will show you a very good time. Sometimes the key to teaching art is about knowing when to take the picture away, and sometimes the key to a hot date with a handsome devil is knowing when to bounce (right before you get murdered, for best results).

At 9/8c. it's Double Eviction on Big Brother, which is basically like Christmas and the French Revolution happening simultaneously, and you are the winner of both. There's also a new Dating Naked, which is a more complex show—logistically, if not emotionally, speaking—than we all really understood until this week. Apparently it's speed naked dating of some kind. To which I say, make a day of it. There's also the eighth episode of Tom Ellis period medical drama on USA, Rush, and a new Project Runway.

At 10/9c. it's the finales of VH1's #candidlynicole and ID's premiere show about the worst things people have ever done, Worst Thing I Ever Did; the latter is titled "Can't Put My Finger on It," which gives me the shivers: "Hey, what's the worst thing you ever did?" It involved me not putting my finger on it, I'll tell you that much. Chilling. I am not actually sure what would be the worst thing I ever did, but I bet it was after school.

Meanwhile it's Honorable Woman on Sundance, and Garfunkel & Oates on IFC, telling their parallel stories of honor and ukulele. Personally I am looking forward to You're the Worst at 10:30, which comes on after Married and just before what I like to call bedtime and Showtime likes to call Seven Deadly Sins time, in which tonight we will be exploring the best sin of all, Pride.

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