With significant prison sentences and possible deportation looming, Joe and Teresa Giudice send their four kids to grandma's and head to The Carlton in New York City, where Joe orders oysters since, "Maybe it will keep it up a little longer." And then he tells Teresa that she looks sexy, even at 60. Romance!
In fairness, Joe and Teresa hadn't actually been sentenced at the time of this date night. But even if they'd been aware that they're going to spend 41 and 15 months, respectively, in the clink, I don't think this scene would have gone down much differently. Joe still would have lovingly called the kids brats. Joe and Teresa still would have pretended it was nice to have a night "alone," with an entire camera crew looming. Both of them would have agreed that oysters look like sloppy vajayjays. Joe would have said, "I'm getting a boner just from the taste." Teresa would have interviewed with a giant smile, "I love my husband this much," and made the tiniest of hearts with her fingers. The same hints of dread would have pulled at the corners of their eyes and mouths.
Though the judge has agreed to stagger their prison sentences so as not to totally orphan their kids, Milania has been practicing her cooking skills just in case.
This is an example of everyone in the Giudice clan working very hard to, as Teresa said, "keep the family on a float." And you know, maybe in prison she will actually read a book or two? I'm just saying, it could provide her fruitful time to fill in what appear to be significant educational gaps. Both Milania and the family dog agree that this is a great idea.
(I know that photo has nothing to do with what I just wrote, but I couldn't bear not to include it.)
Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Chris have their own date night, at home, because now they're being responsible with their money. Boy, did the plight of the Giudices scare everyone else on this show into living humble lives! Jacqueline is still upset that Teresa won't fully rekindle their friendship at this time, when she should be needing Jacqueline, and everyone including Kathy Wakile is basically like, "Time to get over it!"
It is at this point that I have to ask what exactly Jacqueline's return is adding to this show. Sure, in some ways it's nice to see a familiar face, especially when so much of our time is spent staring down the beady eyes of Jim "Pencil Dick" Marchese. But so far it seems like we're just getting a rehash of the same issues she's had with Teresa for the past several seasons, primarily via texts read aloud. I'm guessing that Jacqueline and Teresa must have a very dramatic summit at some point before the season's end, but even so I must quote Vicki Gunvalson and say, "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
With that, let us turn our attention to Boca, where we first have Bobby finally emerging to confront Bitch of the Year Jim, calling him a lying sack of shit, then going up to the second floor of the house they're renting and singing, "Fiiiiigaroooooo!"
Yeah, I don't know either. Anyway, Amber is so upset by this entire situation that she smokes a cigarette for the first time in five years, which is something that we will NEVER hear the END OF.
Frankly, I think this is all a ploy so she can mention The Cancer again and continue to garner sympathy for being married to such a dick. Even though Amber, at least outwardly, doesn't approve of Jim's behavior, she does take offense when Dina tells Jim that he definitely has a vagina. Dina's response? "Amber, I am sorry that you're married to a dick. I'm sorry. I feel bad for you."
And then the moment we've all been waiting for. Twin-Teresa says that Jim's behavior is typical of someone with a Napoleon complex, at which Jim turns to her and says, "This is a typical example of an uneducated dumb fuck." And then Jim talks about how Rino tried to bang Victoria Gotti and did bang a Russian stripper (and seriously, who are these people? What is even happening?). And then when Teresa says something about whether he thinks Rino did or didn't date a stripper, Jim busts out with, "No, but I think he fucked your mom."
And can we all just collectively agree that the words, "I think he fucked your mom," should never be uttered by anyone, ever? For maybe the first time I fully stand with Melissa Gorga, who simply says, "You don't talk about moms."
For his part, Jim says that Teresa deserved such treatment because she was no longer acting "like a lady." Weirdly, we don't see Twin-Teresa or Nicole beat Jim to death with a Dunkin Donuts mug.
Also weirdly, Twin-Teresa seems to be the most mad at Dina, for discussing this rumor behind her back. All when Dina totally tried to tell her! I should note that everyone here seems REALLY wasted, and also possibly like they're acting. I don't even know anymore with this show and these new cast members. What's also weird is that this incident seems to have been like foreplay for Jim and Amber, who despite not being the cast members going to federal prison are the true monsters of our time.
The next morning, Twin-Teresa leaves (to go five minutes down the road, to the house she and Rino have in Florida, which really takes the edge off of a dramatic exit) and Dina is a boss and asks Jim and Amber to pack their bags and leave. Joe Gorga, in celebration, adds some Grey Goose to his morning OJ. And am I right in saying that Joe Gorga was kind of a marvel throughout this whole thing, just standing by calmly shaking his head and occasionally calling Jim a bitch?
Bobby sure thinks so, which is perhaps why his bromance with Joe blossoms while on a yacht trip. They jump off of the side of the yacht, sadly do not get eaten by sharks, and then Bobby pretends to do CPR on Joe just to get to touch his manly chest. He also attempts mouth to mouth, which Nicole does not enjoy watching.
Back at the house, Bobby is passed out for much of dinner, but eventually wakes up and learns that Twin-Teresa and Rino have returned. The others are excited to see them, though Twin-Teresa is still pissed that her friends were discussing "ridiculous," "absurd," and "outlandish" rumors.
Lest you think this is the last we'll hear of such rumors, however, the preview for next week treats us with Cousin Rosie interviewing, "The whole word motherfucker has a whole new meaning."