If you do not have time to watch this hour of panel, I will tell you everything that happens in it.

(Filmed about a month ago, in sunny San Diego.)

ON THE PANEL

  • The Hound's comb-over and giganticness and calling Brienne of Tarth a nasty bitch with his very Scottish accent
  • Ser Brienne of Tarth with some crazy glamorous hair
  • Arya talking in a mercenary/adorable manner about being book-Sullied
  • Red Viper getting one thousand well-deserved blowjobs from the whole world
  • Jon Snow talking forever about shit you could not give a shit about if somebody put an actual magical spell on you
  • Jamie Lannister being too cool for this shit just like always
  • Margaery's famous Skrillex hair
  • Sansa weirdly copying it, like as if the show is real and she thinks this is how to be Queen, queen of the scene (the dubstep scene); also being fucking amazing like always
  • Zero Stannis Baratheon, zero Jojen Reed, zero Bran Stark, zero point
  • The basically useless Ygritte forced to sit next to the entirely useless Samwise Targee

THE ADORABLE CROWD

  • A jerkoff in a Mance Rayder cloak who, while not wholly unappealing, does not represent even remotely what it means to love Stannis Baratheon
  • A ponytail hesher dingus straying from neurotypicality as he wonders if fans of the show should, um, watch the show
  • Snotty little gay fella with gauges freaking everybody out with that same lame question about dicks, where are the dicks, boobs and dicks are the same thing, this is the rules of feminism
  • Some lady with a TARDIS in her literal hand with a "question" that is of course entirely about her
  • Dipshit Jack Sparrow dickhole fucking up the vibe and trying to take over the entire thing because welcome to Comic Con
  • A lady dressed like a whole Ren Faire who seems to be a Tyrion/Sansa shipper, which honestly is all the facts you need to know about a person
  • A Wildling who doesn't want to be looked at in her naked clothes she wore to a public event
  • A person cosplaying as China Tom Miéville cosplaying as King Mob (aka, China Miéville on any given day)
  • A (just trust me: polyamorous, theoretically bisexual) member of the Night's Watch with the creepiest sex voice you ever heard; who knows what his question even was because the answer is no
  • A Lady Stoneheart dude who actually pisses Craig Ferguson off for breaking the "no Lady Stonehearting" rule; skips away in a particularly squirrely fashion you may associate with furries
  • A chick in a tube top and painter's cap with blue eyebrows we're 85% sure is Grimes

OTHER

  • George RR Martin cobbling shoes while you are asleep in exchange for just a bowl of milk
  • Everybody pretending the Drowned God isn't the best religion in Westeros, like it's up for debate
  • Craig Ferguson outing a possible Dothraki in the audience, which kind of goes south on everybody
  • Smug showrunners making easy jokes about the Bible and telling boring stories they are bored of telling
  • George RR Martin doing that unsettling fandom thing he does where he talks like these are real people and not figments of his imagination and that you are going to say ooh and ahh like he's a ten-year-old doing stage magic (which probably you are, so he's not really to blame; he's been working this genre shit since before you were born)
  • A mortifying Monster Manual debate about which kind of imaginary creature is cooler than other imaginary creatures; answer is: none, stop please, please stop
  • A heartwarming parable about how books ... exist.

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