If I were Bachelorette Andi Dorfman, I for sure would have dumped this cast of losers and eloped with the big guy from Boyz II Men the moment he instructed me IN SONG to throw my clothes (throw my clothes) on the floor (on the floor). Sorry, Pantsapreneur.
But of course Andi, despite obvious temptation, does not do any such thing, because she is committed to being aggressively normal. Which is cool, I guess. But doesn't every episode of The Bachelorette just make you pine for the days of Rock of Love? Last week with the drunk guy I was basically like, why aren't ALL the people drunk? THAT'S the ACTUAL crazy part of this show!
In any case, part one of a special two-part Bachelorette (because there's not enough to watch on Sunday night) featured erstwhile popular boy band Boyz II Men, prosthetic makeup, and a SCANDALE of epic proportions! (Basically, it's a variation of the same scandal that plagues any dating show, but that doesn't make it any less exciting!) Here are the highlights.
Nick: So either Nick is just a normal guy who somehow got in line for Bachelorette auditions on his way to the farmer's market, or he's running a long con. Nick shows skepticism about "the process" before confessing his "12-year old boy crush" on Andi, and of course she is now committed to making him a believer. He has a solo date and gets a rose no contest, and THEN busts out a true baller move by sending Andi flowers on Rose Ceremony Evening (interrupting her time with Explorer Eric), either because he wants "to make this whole unnatural experience natural," OR because he wants to (and does) make out with her a bunch. He claims that he has 100% genuine real feelings for Andi, and it is my professional opinion that Nick is either our collective dream husband or a serial killer. Either way, I totally have a crush on him!
Boyz II Men Group Date: So, these group dates would make me feel like I'm in a scene from The Accused, but to her credit, Andi handles them with aplomb. She also manages to tell all the white guys apart, which is a feat that I heretofore believed was impossible. So, good for her for having skills and stuff. The guys meet up with Boyz II Men, so that they can learn various parts to "I'll Make Love to You" and collectively assault the ears of passersby at a free outdoor concert. Explorer Eric wins hearts everywhere by saying, "I'm pretty sure I touched my first butt to 'I'll Make Love to You' in seventh grade," then singing terribly.
And everyone sings terribly! It's actually awesome and hilarious, though not to that poor little girl in the audience who had to cover her ears. And stupid opera singer Bradley gets one million demerits for a) thinking he had this in the bag; b) singing "I'll Make Love to You" in an opera voice; c) STILL sucking but not in a funny and charming way! I fully support Andi's decision to leave him rose-less in the end. Baseball player Josh M. gets the group date rose, I think because Andi likes making out with him.
Andi's Prank: To throw amiable lunkhead Cody off his game, Andi accuses him of having a girlfriend. And then she's like, "HAHA SHE'S A STRIPPER AND I'M PLAYING A PRANK ON YOU!" She has the keenly developed sense of humor of a hedgehog, for sure. Except for maybe when Marquel asks her favorite color and she says, "Is black a color?" A glimmer of hope for Marquel, finally!
Pantsapreneur: Did we ever officially learn why JJ's job title is "Pantsapreneur"? I mean, I'm assuming it has something to do with his ugly fucking pants. He and Andi have the STUPIDEST date in which they're made up like senior citizens and get to walk around like cast members of Betty White's Off Their Rockers, so Andi can learn what it will feel like to grow old with somebody. If someone took me on this date, I would literally punch them in the throat. JJ thinks he looks creepy as an old man, but I actually think he looks BETTER, mostly because he's not wearing his ugly-ass pants! At dinner in their normal clothes (which for him includes ugly pants) he shares that he was a giant dork with social problems, and figured he'd always end up alone. Way to guilt her into making out with you, champ.
And Speaking of Makeouts: Andi makes out with Nick, Marcus, Josh, and JJ. She does not make out with Ron, who leaves after learning of the death of a friend. Nor does she make out with Boston Dylan, who agonizes over how to tell her that he comes from a family of drug addicts. In a way that makes her want to make out with you, is my suggestion.
Marcus: Marcus plays a relatively minor role in this episode, though he does notably start getting territorial and freaking out. He squirrels Andi off into an isolated place to make out and talk about how he's moving toward love and ALSO how Andi couldn't possibly be experiencing these magical feelings with anyone else. These are all sure signs that he's a serial killer. I do not understand why Andi likes him so much.
¡Escandalo!: The Pantsapreneur has something to get off his chest (OR his pants, which might make them the tiniest bit more palatable). Last week when the gang went out for dinner, social media marketer Andrew got the number of the hostess at their restaurant and then bragged about it to the other guys. Pantsapreneur thinks it's SHADY. And Josh M., who wasn't even there, gets really pissed too. And of course aside from the drunk guy last week, I think Andrew is totally the cutest. I really know how to pick 'em!
Josh and Pantsapreneur confront Andrew, who walks away as they besmirch his character and tell him to man the fuck up. Andrew feels attacked, but says that he'd like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, no matter how big of a dork they are. Well that is a stand up move, sir! Andrew claims that he was simply HANDED a phone number, unrequested, and doesn't RECALL the bragging that nine other people heard. Andi doesn't get wind of the controversy and Andrew gets a rose, much to the chagrin of everyone.
The Roseless: In addition to opera singer Bradley (who punctuates his ouster by saying, "I love to be loved. And I love to love." And shedding three perfectly formed tears!), hairdresser Brett gets the boot. I hope he returned that lamp to the hotel before leaving California!
Tonight we look forward to more testosterone and tears on The Bachelorette! And with any luck we'll soon get to find out if Nick and Marcus are actually serial killers!