​Pirates, Zombies, Mountains, and Vipers: Your Weekend TV Watch Guide

As we head out of Sweeps and into the swingin' days of summer, I'm excited to say some new TV things are starting. Halt And Catch Fire on Sunday, for example, and Crossbones on Friday. We're also getting caught up with those seriously off-putting kids from Breaking Amish, paying tribute to Linda Ronstadt at the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame, and learning about the Secret Sex Lives Of Single Moms.

On FRIDAY at 8/7c. Betty White's Off Their Rockers is apparently back with a couple of new episodes, in case Bad Grandpa didn't quite satisfy your needs in the prankin' olds department. I haven't seen the show so I don't know how much Betty White there is, but I'm guessing not nearly enough. Then at 9/8c there's a one-hour special of Say Yes To The Dress about someone named Sheena, who apparently takes longer than usual to make up her mind about The Dress, or you could enjoy feeling better than other people with a big ol' steaming cup of What Would You Do? on ABC. Then finally at 10/9c., Crossbones premieres on NBC—that's the one where John Malkovich discovers a portal into the head of a pirate, back in pirate times—and time-traveling economics cryptofascist Canadian import Continuum continuums its best season yet on Syfy.

SATURDAY brings us Billy Joel's "Bridge To Russia" concert (PBS, 8/7c.), in case you're wondering what you can do to help in these troubled times; the Bet On Your Baby season premiere on ABC, if you don't mind contributing to these troubled times; My Cat From Hell if you are not interested in these troubled times; or the 2014 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Ceremony on HBO if you'd like to see a lovely tribute to Linda Ronstadt, among other wonders.

After all that, it's a host of riches at 9/8c.: Sex Sent Me To The ER on TLC and the two-hour premiere of ABC's Sing Your Face Off, in which karaokeing people dress up like other people to hide their shame. If those things don't suit your fancy, there's also a movie on Lifetime called The Secret Sex Life Of A Single Mom, which sounds riveting for sure. There's also a new Orphan Black, followed by the fourth episode of the best TV show in the whole world, In The Flesh on BBC America, before it moves to a weird new shitty timeslot next week.

Early evening SUNDAY, Fox is bringing back the beloved-but-ignored Enlisted for a burnoff, sometime around 7/6c. Then at 8/7c. you've got The Bachelorette on a "special" night, Kandi's Wedding premieres on Bravo, and there's a catch-up special for TLC's Breaking Amish spin-off Return To Amish—but of course you have to weigh all that against the prospect of a three-hour special on Discovery called Russian Yeti: The Killer Lives. Given the sexual scandals and general hinkiness surrounding every aspect of the Breaking Amish franchise, I'm guessing the latter will be just about as believable, if slightly less watchable; the former is followed by a two-hour premiere for Return To Amish itself, in some pretty hot real estate at 9/8c.

To wit, we've finally reached Tyrion's Trial By Combat on Game Of Thrones, but then there's also the two-hour Return To Amish premiere, and new episodes of Believe, Turn and Cosmos. (This is also the hour each week when Showtime premieres new episodes of Nurse Jackie and Californication, in case Game Of Thrones is simply too cheerful for you.) After that stuff it's obviously all about the HBO triple shot of Silicon Valley's first-season finale, Veep, and Last Week Tonight.

On top of all this, there's also the series premiere of AMC's anticipated Lee Pace period piece, Halt And Catch Fire, and a preview special for The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, which presumably takes place mostly over one of those jail phones like you find in jail. There's also a new Oprah's Master Class featuring timely comedic personality Whoopi Goldberg, and the fourth episode of Showtime's up-and-coming freakshow, Penny Dreadful.

What do you think? I'm really starting to get into Penny D, and I'm looking forward to Halt until they inevitably push me away like every other AMC drama save one. Honestly, between you and me all I really care about in life is Stannis Baratheon, and we haven't seen him in two goddamn weeks—although I guess the Vale will do for now—but as far as spoilers, I've only heard that the Red Viper, Oberyn Martell, will conquer the Mountain by having all kinds of sex with it.

[Image via HBO]