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Teresa Giudice may appear like a broken shell of a human after being sentenced to fifteen months in prison, but there's still a little fire inside. As evidence, watch her walk off set rather than engage in conversation with cousins Rosie and Kathy. Or maybe she really just wanted some gum?
To be fair, her heart WAS beating 500 after hearing her aunt say that when you do the wrong thing, it always catches up with you. And it does take a particular kind of emotional intelligence to, as your cousin tearfully says to Andy Cohen that your current plight really hurts her heart, remain sequestered in the bathroom and bust out with a delighted, "Oooh! A penny!" I think Teresa's going to do just fine in prison, to tell you the truth.
As will come as no surprise, this first third of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion was filled with many other dramatic moments and revelations!
"We need to stop calling it The Cancer": When Dina Manzo whispered these words after an Amber cancer montage, I nearly fell on the floor. Leave it to Nicole to shout aloud, "And it's cancer. It's not THE CANSUH." Amber's position on the whole thing is that it's her The Cancer and she'll call it The Cancer if she wants to. And to be honest, if she dropped the "The" we'd all probably be a little sad.
The Jim Chronicles Continue: We'll get to hear from Jim himself soon enough, but for now the ladies discuss amongst themselves what a bitch he is. Andy gets in on the action too, first correcting Amber, who says that Jim never called the other ladies dummies, with an, "Uh…he said that they were stupid." And then when Nicole says that Jim came after their mother on Twitter even after filming was through (apparently calling her a motherfucking whore, which, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY???), Andy added a pensive, "He IS a disaster on social media." And it is the golden rule of all Housewives reunions that when Andy weighs in, you're officially busted.
Melissa Is Boring: Since her feud with Teresa has been squashed, at least on camera, Melissa has really not had a lot to do. This is evidenced when her clip package is introduced with the line, "This year we saw you transform from pop music princess to the queen of sanitation." Just what every girl wants to hear! Then everyone just basically talks about how good Joe Gorga looks with his shaved head. Unless she becomes Joe Giudice's nanny while Teresa's in the clink, I'd say Melissa's chances of surviving to another season are about 50/50.
Dina and Jacqueline Really Hate Each Other: Oooh, girl. We all knew that Dina and sister Caroline haven't talked in years, but I for one didn't realize that the Dina/Jacqueline beef ran so deep. I totally forgot that they had Danielle Staub-related conflict on season one (thanks, sepia-toned flashback!), and although Dina feels that reconciliation is possible with Caroline, those sentiments don't seem to extend to Jacqueline. Part of Dina's absence from this show over the past several years was due to not wanting to explore/exploit her sibling feuds on reality TV, but Jacqueline returning to the show mid-season apparently made her mad enough to reverse her position of silence on the matter. She did want to mend her relationship with brother Chris, although Jacqueline allegedly ruined that as well. I will say that Dina's plan to invite everyone to daughter Lexi's graduation party with the hope that they'd all just suddenly be fine seems a tad unrealistic. In any case, Jacqueline is not there to defend herself, which is SO JACQUELINE.
Also FYI, Dina Isn't Watching Manzo'd With Children: You know, because she doesn't watch TV. I bet her armless dog is totally hooked, though, and has some real opinions about Albie's amply-endowed girlfriend.
Twitter Ruins Lives: Apparently the Dina/Jacqueline feud flared up on Twitter a few months ago. Combine this with Jim's disastrous Twitter presence, and Rosie and Teresa have finally found a common enemy. Quoth Teresa, "The bullshit's gotta stop. Why does social media have to be involved?" Quoth Rosie, "You know, everybody should just fucking stop with this Twitter. Twatter." I will note that both of those statements would make excellent Tweets.
Shut Up, Phil from Wall: Some viewer named Phil from Wall sent in a question for Dina, asking how her husband (from whom she is separated) feels about her dating other men. He caps off his question with, "That's not Zen, that's just slutty." My opinion on this matter is that if you're sending in serious questions to a Real Housewives reunion, you are in no position to judge. I repeat: Shut up, Phil from Wall.
Andy Cohen's Tag Lines: We learn that Andy is working on two Real Housewives tag lines: "I may be a man, but I fight like a girl," and, "I didn't major in English, but I know how to read." I guess that's kickier than, "Real Housewives ruins lives, and I am partially culpable."
The Joes, Together: You do have to give the Giudices some sort of weird credit for actually showing up to this gig just a few days after their sentencing. The episode's end has Joes Giudices and Gorga planted behind their wives, with Juicy probably on his third bottle of chianti and a fistful of Xanax, and Joe Gorga waxing poetic about how much he loves his sister and brother in-law. Teresa's response is a dead-eyed, "Yeah, we know." That indigestion you're experiencing is actually the Real Housewives of New Jersey once again plucking at your heart strings.
Next week: In a classic move, Andy yells at the ladies to shut up.