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We have finally made it to the last episode of the last reunion special of Teresa Giudice's career as a Real Housewife. And though four-fifths of Teresa regrets ever coming on this show, it's oddly reassuring to hear her tell Andy Cohen that sure, he can visit her in prison. Maybe he'll even bring "Mazel" rocks glasses and an "I <3 Side Pony" t-shirt to keep her spirits up? Can you get away with a jolly round on the Jimmy Fallon shotski in the prison visitor's room?
I sort of suspect that, to Teresa, a 15-month prison sentence will be a breeze compared to sitting through this three part reunion, and being forced not only to respond to myriad questions about what Andy refers to as "the next step in your journey," but to watch montages of herself in happier times, when she was flush with the spoils of her fraudulent activities. And though she says this is likely the end, I can't imagine that she doesn't get some sort of post-prison spin-off. She'll have Milania's boarding school to pay for, after all.
Reunion episodes two and three had plenty of other highlights/lowlights, too!
Orange Juicy Is the New Black: Oh, Joe "Juicy" Giudice. As opposed to Teresa, who looks like the full weight of her situation has landed in the bags under her eyes, Juicy appears rather chill. It's also quite possible he's just drunk, as he's been hitting the bottle heavily since his father passed away. He does at one point acknowledge that he blames himself for Teresa's impending imprisonment (a bit of a contrast to Teresa, who clearly blames Bravo), and also gets quite a chuckle out of saying to Jim Marchese, "Under section 207-4, I think you fall under the violation of woman abuse. HAHAHAH," which makes some kind of sense in context but also doesn't, much like Juicy himself.
The Truth About Bobby: While viewer questions seemed largely to focus on whether Nicole's boyfriend Bobby was actually gay, Jim Marchese (the man, the legend, the bitch) outed Bobby as something else: a Real Housewives of New Jersey stalker. You knew that things were getting real when Jim busted out a manila folder, leaving Dina to note that she thought they weren't allowed to bring props, and Andy Cohen to respond, "It's not a prop, it's evidence." Jim had all kinds of shit in that folder of evidence, apparently, but the most potent documents were photos of Bobby at Teresa's book signing, Kathy's book signing, and Melissa's book signing, as well as in a random fan photo with Jacqueline. Bobby denied that he was any kind of a weirdo about it, but his face showed perhaps a little embarrassment that his dream of being a Real Housewife had been exposed. Expect a continuation of conversations ending with, "No YOU'RE the bitch" between these two former friends.
Andy Cohen Hates Jim Marchese: I personally love when Andy Cohen throws away any pretense of neutrality, and he has never been so delightful as when directly insulting Jim Marchese. A sample of statements includes:
- "Jim Marchese in the flesh. Thanks for taking a break from Twitter."
- "We need to talk about you on Twitter at some point."
- "I recently found out you're not actually a lawyer."
- "To say that you are polarizing is putting it mildly. Do you understand why there is great disdain for you?"
- "You were shit-talking everybody."
- "Jim, you're freaking me out."
- "You are SO rude."
If Andy Cohen doesn't finally get a Pulitzer, there is truly no justice in this world.
The Ghost of Victoria Gotti: Victoria Gotti thankfully doesn't show up at the reunion to expound upon her claim that Rino allegedly banged his mother-in-law, but there is plenty of reference to her. Apparently Victoria Gotti's publicist has been threatening Twin-Teresa's publicist (leading one to wonder…Twin-Teresa has a publicist?), and Twin-Teresa makes reference to her at one point as a "washed-out Charo on crack." Rino finally denies outright that he ever told Victoria Gotti that he banged his mother-in-law. And isn't it weird that that last sentence is something that exists in the world? To quote Dina Manzo, "This show is so fucked up."
Teresa Versus Teresa: So, Twin-Teresa still blames Teresa Giudice for bringing Victoria Gotti on the show to spread her malicious rumors, and Teresa Giudice still could not give two shits because SHE IS ABOUT TO GO TO PRISON. Twin-Teresa theorizes that Teresa Giudice was jealous since the twins were getting so much attention on the show, and says that the producers were mad because Teresa Giudice wasn't bringing anything to the show. Um, except GOING TO PRISON. This line of reasoning deservedly gives Teresa Giudice the first good laugh she's had in months.
Jim Marchese, Warrior for Equality: When Andy points out that a lot of people don't like how Jim speaks to women, he notes that it's actually a lot of OTHER people on the show who are sexist, and that he is horrible to women because he believes that everyone is equal. Joe Gorga thinks that Jim's manner of talking to ladies is terrible, leading Jim to point out that Joe once called his own sister garbage and a scumbag. As you might expect, this does not go well. Quoth Joe Gorga, "That's my fucking sister. Don't ever repeat about my sister. Do you understand me? I grew up with that girl, she threw my fucking toys out the window, I didn't give a shit." This last anecdote leads Nicole and Dina to coo at its adorableness, which is maybe the one thing that prevents Joe from ripping Jim's head from his neck.
Miss Dina Regrets: When Andy asks each of the ladies to share something they've learned over the course of the season, Dina says that if you've walked away from something, you should remember your reasons why. Upon Andy's follow-up she admits that she regrets coming back on the show, and if she had it to do over would support Teresa from behind the scenes. And did anyone else have a shot of terror in their heart at the idea of a season seven anchored by the twins and Jim Marchese?
More Lessons: While criticism of the Marcheses has been harsh, it has had some constructive benefits. Amber, for one, has committed to stop wearing white eyeliner! Jim seems rather less able to internalize the feedback that's come his way. Joe Gorga tries to help break it down for him in a rather eloquent fashion when, as Jim asks if he ever receives faxes calling him a douchebag to his office, Joe simply says, "No, because I'm not a douchebag. You get it?" And on that sage note, our season comes to a close.