As if Teresa Giudice's week has not been bad enough, what with pleading guilty to multiple counts of loan and bankruptcy fraud, she must deal with the ignominy of having her workout interrupted by a call prying for salacious details of her impending imprisonment. And which inspector is at the other end of the phone?
Freaking Amber, of course! Seriously, what is this lady's problem? (Other than The Cancer, which we'll get to in a minute.) I GUESS Amber is feeling particularly nebby on Ash Wednesday, which she notes is the start of the "lentil season" (yum!), and decides to call Teresa FROM CHURCH to let her know that she's praying for the Giudice family.
From the outset, Teresa is NOT feeling it, and she ESPECIALLY is not feeling it when Amber starts asking question after question. She tells Amber that all the questions are making her agitated, and she can't talk about it, and doesn't want to be asked about it. Teresa thinks that Amber is prying, WHICH SHE IS, and it reminds her of a certain OTHER interrogator named Jacqueline Laurita, also known as "a friend I used to have." Except I think that Jacqueline actually cared, whereas Amber just can't help herself from being an odious irritation to other living beings.
Speaking of Amber, she's been free of The Cancer for almost five years, and if she hits that mark she has an excellent prognosis for the rest of her life. However, her most recent round of tests have come back inconclusive and the doctor wants to see her again, which is her cue to start freaking out. And am I being overly cynical if I put forth the theory that this is all fake?
Like, there she is in her kitchen, chopping strawberries in her hideous shirt with Jimmy Weasel James at her side, working herself into a meltdown about her inconclusive test results, and all I can think is, "Maybe try poking yourself in the eye with one of those fake lashes if you want to squeeze out a tear." But what is the entire Real Housewives franchise doing if not teaching us to avoid dinner parties with psychics and recognize everyday acting?
Not acting, I don't think, is Dina, who is bidding adieu to the longtime assistant/gay son she's always wanted, Luke. Luke is going back to his homeland of Ireland, and we learn that he is in fact the prospective assistant that Dina interviewed all the way back in season one of this show! How about THAT? Luke will no longer be around to give Lexi dating advice, or listen to Dina vent about Caroline and Jacqueline, or covet her shoe closet, or get armless dog Gracie's wheelchair widened since she put on a few ounces.
When Dina and Lexi take Luke to the airport, many actually real-looking tears are shed, and it is refreshing to see legitimate caring relationships, even if one party is a paid employee.
In this episode, we also learned a LOT about Rino's netherparts.
I was going to do a video clip related to the above photo, in which Rino, um, sort of flops around that bird beak, but then I decided to have compassion for all of you who may not have seen this episode and can still save yourselves. I will relay that he does drop, "You know what they say…a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," and Teresa seems horrified but also amused, as opposed to the rest of us who cling to horror as the only passable reaction to this situation.
Anyway, Rino is getting all sorts of medical tests involving his poop chute (his words, I am just the vessel). The first, which is somehow related to the exotic bird banana hammock, is a prostate exam, also known in New Jersey as a "prostrate exam." Is this something that happens during the lentil season? Everything was clean, though Rino's prostate was enlarged, and I'm sure there's a joke to be made here but I just don't have the strength.
Rino also has a colonoscopy, and the family decides to have a little dinner party on the night of his prep. So he drinks his colonoscopy prep juice from a martini glass while everyone else eats calamari and wonders if he will eventually soil himself at the table. Dina and Lexi come by for dinner, in part so Twin-Teresa and Rino's son Giovanni can ogle Lexi, but also so Dina can let the twins know to be normal (unlike some people we know) and not ask Teresa a bunch of questions about her legal situation when the group goes to Florida.
And then Rino's colonoscopy goes just fine. And if you don't know what a colonoscopy is, let Rino explain: "They turn me on the side, and they have a little camera and they shove it right up the poop chute! And they make sure that everything's working properly." Not only are things working properly, but Rino has the prettiest colon his doctor's seen in ages. Is this what people mean when they say "beautiful on the inside"?
I am also sorry to tell you that Melissa Gorga has, like, LITERALLY nothing to do as pertains to being on this show. She really should have kept that feud with Amber heated up for a little while longer. She and Joe meet with an architect to talk about plans for their new 9,000 square foot house, like any of us believe that thing is going to be built. Joe Gorga does call himself "the Michelangelo of New Jersey of building homes," so that's something. I also think he's gotten hair plugs, but couldn't tell if maybe that was just the resolution on my TV screen.
When not stunning us with his disproportionate ego, Joe worries a little about Teresa. I mean, as he should. Things are more or less status quo at home, what with Milania forgetting to do her homework and Audriana using an eyelash curler. En route to school, Gia tells Teresa that she's proud of how she handled her legal situation, and commends her for staying strong for the family. If Teresa was a hot mess, says Gia, it would affect the younger girls, who as of now don't really know what's going on.
So three cheers to whatever life experiences or medications have made Teresa dead enough inside to get through this whole thing with a smile.
Teresa also has Dina over to her house to announce that she's not going on the trip to Florida. And whether it's because she can't technically leave state lines OR if she just wants time to get her shit together OR she thinks it's best to spend her last remaining moments of freedom with her family, you can't really blame her. Dina understands but is sad, since now she'll have to go on vacation with all the other Housewife lunatics without any buffer.
Teresa also passes on the news, told to her by Victoria Gotti, that Rino apparently banged Twin-Teresa's mom. When Dina says she was just at dinner with the whole family, including Santa, Teresa's first question is, "Is she pretty?" She TOTALLY believes this shit.
Dina does not, though, and is most offended that Victoria Gotti would speak ill of someone's mother. Teresa doesn't plan on telling the twins, since she has enough shit going on right now and doesn't want to be in the middle of it. But she wanted Dina to know, so someone would have the full story in case Amber decides to drop some info about it on the Florida trip. And though Amber is threatening not to go to Florida either, given that she's so preoccupied by The Cancer, I'm sure she'll somehow still manage to get in there and ruin everything, as is her custom.
Next time: Florida! Amber gets her test results. And we face the return of Jacqueline Laurita.