First, Teresa pleads guilty to not knowing the difference between a mastectomy and a vasectomy. And then she and her husband Joe plead guilty to all sorts of fraud over the better part of a decade.
The Giudice's lawyer reads a statement from Teresa in which she takes responsibility for a series of "mistakes" she made several years ago, and plans to describe these choices at her sentencing. Hopefully this address won't include the words, "It's gross to live in someone's used house!" Her lawyer's current statement includes an expression of remorse to the judge and the public, which does appear to be genuine given Teresa's constant worried/pained expression and interview clips with her saying things like, "I will make sure this is right, whatever right means," and "I can't believe this is my life."
Juicy Joe, of course, faces the possibility of three to four years in prison along with deportation. Teresa could get 21-27 months behind bars, though her lawyer is hoping the court will impose a probation sentence. I can't tell if the plea deal means that Teresa's bedroom floor prayers were or were not heard and answered.
Other cast members express a range of reactions to the Giudice's plea deal. Joe Gorga thinks that it sucks, and that the whole thing is going down a pretty fucked up road. (And BOY does he seem nervous about all their legal troubles, eh? You KNOW his document shredding truck is working overtime.) He hopes that it can all be normal again one day, and they can go back to just beating the shit out of each other and marring the walls of perfectly nice vacation venues with spray-on hair.
Melissa's biggest fear is the kids. Rosie tells us that she can barely figure out her checking account, so in a practical sense has no idea what they've done or are up against. Kathy doesn't understand the plea deal, and can't speculate if they are or are not going to jail, but she prays it doesn't happen. And Dina tells us that she doesn't follow the case, and the plea means nothing. She's Teresa's girlfriend, and stands behind her no matter what without asking questions.
And then there's Twin-Teresa, whose main burning question on the day of the plea deal is, "What was she wearing?" When husband Rino pulls up a news story she says of Joe, "He's looking dapper, with his sunglasses." I think they cast her just to prove that someone in the world is a bigger idiot than Teresa Giudice. (Also because her husband banged her mom, probably.) Rino has the last word on the matter, saying, "So now this all comes down to a guy in a robe with a mullet." He means a gavel, but I like to think of a judge in full robes with a mullet-shaped powdered wig, which seems like a possibility in New Jersey.
Of course the person MOST affected by the Giudice's legal troubles is…Amber? Even before the actual plea deal, Amber sees a news story saying that Juicy will go to prison for five years and freaks the fuck out. She starts to cry the fakiest fake cry of all time…
…and calls Teresa, who's at home just trying to chop garlic with her kids. I WILL give this show credit for introducing me to the Slap Chop, which has sort of changed my life. When Teresa picks up the call, Gia is basically like, "WHAT IS WITH THIS LADY AND WHY IS SHE CRYING?" Which is a question we all can ask. Teresa theorizes that it's Amber's time of the month, or that her legal woes have somehow triggered trauma from when Amber had The Cancer.
Teresa tells Amber that the story is false, and then comforts Gia, who is shedding actual tears about the fact that her parents could go to jail. Say what you will about what the Giudices have coming to them, but every time Gia's face scrunches up and tears come out I really do feel a little pang of sadness about the whole situation.
Other things not having to do with the plea deal happen, too! Melissa and Dina concoct a plan to take Teresa away for a little warm-weather break. Melissa proposes "somewhere close," like Florida, likely because Teresa probably can't leave the country.
Teresa is touched by the sentiment, and then Melissa and Dina ruin everything by inviting the other ladies. They do this at a planning session for Dina's Project Ladybug event, in which Dina can't get a word in. She's okay about that, because it seems that everybody is getting along. That is sure not to last, given Amber's dramatics in pulling Teresa aside to talk about how Victoria Gotti told them that Rino banged Twin-Teresa's mom.
To her credit, Teresa is basically like, "I have enough shit going on, leave me out of it." She wonders why Amber is bringing it up within earshot of Twin-Teresa. And that question sort of answers itself, no? When the others want to know what the two were talking about, Teresa is basically like, "…NO." But I think we can all rest assured in the knowledge that this is not the last we'll hear of the issue, particularly when an extended season-preview shows good old Pencil-Dick Jimmy saying to Twin-Teresa, "No, but I think he fucked your mom." (We ALSO learn that Jacqueline is coming back, a thing about which I have very mixed feelings.)
In other Jim and Amber news, they're still peeved at Bobby for betraying them by telling the others how they don't care to be around Joe Giudice and his legal woes. They claim not to be surprised, given how they say he's playing Nicole, what with having all sorts of other women waiting for him. They don't actually claim that he's banging any of these other women, I don't think. It's very weird.
And Amber apparently called and texted Bobby multiple times, about which Nicole is not thrilled. The peace accord between Nicole and Amber is shaky at best, though it's hard to really muster up a care about this conflict when Juicy Joe is probably going to be deported and Milania will be left in the care of the family chickens.
So what do you think about the Giudice's plea deal? Have you, like me, been suckered into feeling an iota of sympathy? And how do we all feel about Jacqueline coming back?