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So, it's great that Melissa and Teresa are friends now, and have become close enough to spend a Friday evening together at the Giudice house while Juicy is out with the girls. But did they have to make it seem SO much like a low-budget porno? The Oh-God-Father, perhaps?

But maybe this is just the type of comfort that Melissa needs since her aunt Louella passed away. If only Amber had thought to go the porny route! Instead she just comes over to Melissa's house in broad daylight bearing a vat of chicken soup and sympathizing about The Cancer, with nary a champagne glass or lit fire or snuggle on the couch. Amateur.

Joe Gorga also tries to cheer up his wife and kids during this sad time by buying them… another fucking puppy mill puppy. Wearing a sweater, no less! This seems to be both a gesture to appease Melissa when she complains that he needs to enjoy the kids while they're young (noting that the one time he took their son Joey to school he drove to the wrong building) as well as a reward for the book of sexy pictures she gave him for Valentine's Day.

I feel it is my duty to report that when Melissa gave Joe said book over dinner at a restaurant, his response was, "I would get up and kiss you but I can't. Because there's a fiesta going on down there." And now I'm picture Tarzan wearing a sombrero, which doubtlessly is featured somewhere in the final six minutes of The Oh-God-Father.

Meanwhile, Teresa and Juicy are having a much different Valentine's Day, sitting in their home office (which has trophies all around, for what I can't imagine) and talking about their legal bills. With Teresa being "the brand," Juicy says she needs to get out there and hustle since every meeting and appearance counts. He claims to be on top of everything, adding, "I know you think you know that I don't do anything, but I do a lot, all right?"

And so my streak of feeling kind of sad for Juicy Giudice, whom I once believed to be in the top ten list of World's Most Reprehensible Humans, continues. He adds that while Teresa is the brand, he's the brawn, and of course Teresa does not know what "brawn" means. Quoth Juicy Giudice, "See, I know some words." One whole syllable, too! And then Milania comes in and paints white-out over Teresa's calendar. And not that I'm dispensing legal advice to anyone's team of attorneys, BUT if I were on the Giudice jury, I would most certainly at least consider a theory in which all wrongdoing was actually the work of a certain seven year old criminal mastermind.

The only person having a sadder Valentine's Day is Dina Manzo. First she meets up with her attorney, Vicki Ziegler, who wears a red dress with cutout shoulders. "Business casual" in Jersey is interpreted very broadly, I think. It's been over a year since Dina "separated" from Tommy, and she wants to know her options. Apparently they've agreed that Tommy will keep the house, and Dina is sad that she will have to take her own income—which she has heretofore mostly spent on shoes—and apply it to a mortgage. But finances are not her biggest fear. Mostly she worries whether she'll find love again. In the end, she wants to wait at least until Lexi goes off to school to take any sort of concrete action.

On Valentine's evening, Dina sits at home with her hairless cats and armless dog and Facetimes with her assistant, Luke, while eating her daughter's chocolates. And then she sticks her head in something called The Dream Spa, which I'm sure is entirely legit but looks very, very frightening. Maybe this is how Grandma Wrinkles and Botox keep their skin so smooth, though?

And now it is time for a thorough investigation of the romantic lives of Nicole and Twin-Teresa. And honestly, I don't know if you're prepared for this, so we're going to ease into it nice and slow. Let's start with Nicole. As they cook food for their little dogs Nicole's mother, Santa, notes that boyfriend Bobby is very different than anyone else Nicole has dated. She wonders if he is a "confirmed bachelor," which I always thought was what old people say when they think a man is gay. That and "fancy man," and also maybe some sly, sideways mention of Liberace.

Whether this is at the root of her questioning or not, Santa cuts right to it when she says, "He can really space out his need to be with you…and that's very unusual, don't you think?" And trust me when I say that this is not even CLOSE to the apex of her suspect motherly love! But Santa thinks Nicole wants to know where she's headed with Bobby, now that they've been together a year. At Valentine's Day dinner with the whole family, Bobby doesn't exaaaaactly confirm any of his intentions to parents Santa and Sal, but tells some story in which he is compared favorably to the frogs that Nicole has been kissing. That seems to melt everyone's heart enough to buy him a pass for another three months, maybe.

So now let's talk about Teresa and Rino, shall we? Teresa herself tells us that she and Rino have had their highs and lows. They got together when they were 18, then divorced at 28. They had taken each other for granted, she says, but they always loved each other. Not that loving each other was enough for Rino to keep his cannoli in his pants. Quoth Twin-Teresa, "I'm not saying he didn't screw everything that walked when we were divorced. Yes, thank you very much, he screwed every stripper possible. I don't care, he's a guy! Let him do it. I love him." So let's just use that statement as a baseline as we are apprised of some new information, shall we?

Teresa Giudice has a wine bottle signing (????) in some strip mall, and who should make a surprise appearance but friend/ghoul Victoria Gotti. Teresa and Victoria were of course on Celebrity Apprentice together, and have not only remained friends but are "kinder spirits," according to Teresa. Victoria invites Teresa and Amber (who shows up to the signing despite there being no mention of The Cancer) back to her house for a glass of Fabellini and a chat.

When talk turns to Rino, Victoria notes that she's known him quite a while. She met him at his restaurant, where he initially seemed quite enamored with her. And then, like a fucking stalker, two weeks later he showed up at the ICU after Victoria had heart surgery with a bunch of food and a Rolex watch. Trust me when I say that this is NOT the creepiest thing we're going to learn about Rino in the next few minutes.

Nothing romantic ever happened with Victoria and Rino, but they remained friends. This was apparently when he was divorced from Teresa, and he talked about her constantly but told Victoria and her friends that he'd done something that Teresa would never forgive him for. It involved cheating, but as we heard earlier, men sleeping with strippers is just an evolutionary kink that hasn't quite been worked out yet, so NBD. And of course Amber and Teresa Giudice and me and you all thought that Victoria Gotti was about to drop that Rino slept with Nicole, right? What could be worse than that? HOW ABOUT SLEEPING WITH SANTA? No, not Santa CLAUS, that would be way better. Victoria Gotti is talking about Santa, TWIN-TERESA'S MOTHER!!!!!

So, Amber and Teresa obviously can not fucking believe this, and wonder if Rino was drunk when he told this scandalous tale to Victoria. He was not, apparently, and said he wasn't joking. Amber notes that Nicole and Teresa have a lot of family issues, which is apparently something of an understatement. Teresa says to Victoria, "Every family has their thing going on." Yeah…but THAT thing? Victoria then tries to give Teresa some tender life advice, as if any of us can move on from the fact that she just told the world about Rino maybe banging his mother-in-law. In any case, I hope she got paid double for this appearance!

Next week: The Giudices go to court!

[ Images via Bravo]

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