If there's one thing that OC Housewives and Balinese monkeys can agree upon, it's that Tamra Judge is the worst. Even pedicure fish can't stand the taste of her feet! And when confronted by their collective ire, Tamra takes the dignified route by running away screaming, "You will never see my face again, goodbye! Fuck you guys!"
So, let's recount how Tamra has wronged basically everybody. Note that this is predicated largely on hearsay, but is probably at least 75% true.
Lizzie: Tamra cancelled on Lizzie's birthday party last-minute, and also apparently made fun of her terrible birthday outfit. The real crux of their mutual distaste, however, lies in Lizzie either saying that Eddie wanted to fuck her (according to Tamra and Heather, who quietly backed up this version of events) OR that he wanted to marry her (according to Lizzie, who also accuses Tamra of being too drunk to remember what happened and overreacting). This example of the dangers of shag, marry, kill should be considered a public service announcement to our nation's youth.
Before she fell out with Lizzie, Tamra apparently talked a LOT of shit about the other ladies to her. Lizzie is more than happy to recount this information by the pool while Tamra and Heather are off on a scenic bike ride, which is the equivalent of stirring a cauldron of shit. In defense of Tamra, she is at least totally correct in calling out Lizzie for wearing booty shorts to a holy temple.
Danielle: Who's Danielle?
Shannon: Shannon has perhaps been the most wronged by Tamra, given that Tamra had convinced most of the other ladies that she's crazy. I mean, Shannon's words and actions probably convinced them of that too, but Tamra underscored it like you wouldn't believe! Amongst the things she said were that Shannon needed a colonic to suck out all of her bullshit. Also an exorcism. Also that she's an alcoholic, which I'd say is more of a hypothesis for which we are all collecting evidence.
Of course Tamra told pretty much everyone about the email that David sent to Shannon, thus scooping her storyline in a way that Shannon didn't appreciate. AND Tamra quite possibly tried to gaslight her with the whole "take the Beadors down" business, which Shannon now believes to be a lie (with Tamra continuing to claim that she never said it).
In Bali, Lizzie and Danielle have discovered that Shannon (well, "Vacation Shannon" at least) is actually a delight, apologize for harboring a bad impression of her, and blame it all on common mortal enemy Tamra. After taking a good while to digest all the ways in which Tamra is a hag and being refreshed by an afternoon of crystal facials with Vicki, Shannon is empowered to be proactive in "getting the ball rolling" on Tamra's stake-burning, uttering the very holistic words: "Bring it fucking on."
Vicki: So, this one actually kind of hurts, am I right? Like, Vicki has been wary of Tamra all season, but also willing to scream with her about wiping her butt with a monkey or whatever. But she's devastated when Lizzie tells her that, despite outwardly supporting Vicki's relationship, she's been bashing Brooks and in fact "just called him creepy like a month ago." And, I mean, we ALL call Brooks creepy. So maybe we make Vicki cry too?
Heather: Well, this one was a little bit of a surprise, eh? According to Shannon and Lizzie, Tamra has said: 1) Her friendship with Heather is phony, and Heather's inclusion in her wedding was basically bullshit; 2) Heather is anorexic. Heather appears to be hurt especially by the wedding thing, but maybe is just more committed to acting the part of a phony friend.
A Monkey Street Gang: Not only does Tamra offend this gang's leader by saying, "Lookit, he's got low-hanging boobs, he needs to see Terry" (and OK, that was pretty funny), but she insinuates that the monkeys will give her fleas and a recurrence of crabs. She then tells Vicki to wipe her butt with a monkey, thus presenting the concept of a hell that the monkeys heretofore did not know existed. Don't gang-banger monkeys have it hard enough?
That Poor Lady in the Rice Paddies: Seriously, that poor lady! She's just trying to do her job and has to deal with Tamra (and Heather) harassing her to look at the rice in a language she doesn't understand, while making insane hand gestures. With any luck, just after the cameras stopped rolling a member of the monkey street gang came to her defense by throwing its feces at the Californian intruders.
Bali: Not only does Tamra recoil from a spritz of holy water (possibly not wanting the others to see her skin bubble and blister and then REALLY be on to her), but she says of her experience at a spiritual temple, "I don't get it. Like, wow, look at that rock. That rock with moss on it is so spiritual to me. That's enough Zen for me, it's time to go shopping." In Tamra's defense, she's not quite as ugly an American as Vicki, who wantonly opens ceremonial cabinets for fun. Tamra also gets a pass for saying that durian, the southeast Asian "king of fruits," tastes like ass, because that is apparently just true.
Everything comes to a head at dinner at Mulia Resort, but not before some other activities! Shannon and Heather admit to enjoying one another's company and think that maybe they could be friends. Heather also directly apologizes for spreading gossip about the email from David, and Shannon graciously accepts.
Heather then brings up another pertinent issue, which is that Terry (despite video footage of him laughing) is apparently VERY upset about David yelling gross things while Heather rode a mechanical bull at her groundbreaking party (e.g., "Spread your legs! Get it on, baby!"). Shannon is all, "Well, he had like 15 tequila shots that day," which is a great defense. I know that seemed like it happened 100 years ago, but apparently we will hear more about it next week in the finale.
And now back to the main event. So, Vicki is VERY twitchy and squirrelly all evening. This does not go unnoticed by Tamra, who keeps asking her what's up. Vicki says she is on the verge of either crying or screaming at Tamra, and I for one was REALLY hoping it was going to be the latter.
Before food is even ordered, Shannon very calmly calls Tamra out on her shit, starting with all the nasty things Tamra has said about her. Tamra's defense is that she didn't say anything bad until the night of Lizzie's party, when Shannon "acted strange." Also: "I think everybody at this table has talked about your drinking problem." Lizzie pipes in with her version of the shag, marry kill thing, and Tamra screams that they're all liars. I am still beyond puzzled that there is not video evidence to settle this definitively!
For someone who dishes out so much shit, Tamra doesn't have much endurance for taking it. Her breaking point is Lizzie saying, "Oh my god. You're crap, Tamra. You're the most insecure woman I've ever met in my whole life. Get it together." And then we see Tamra running off with no shoes, screaming, "Fuck you guys!" and promising that they will never see her face again, which is not true as we see her frozen countenance like two minutes later.
While Vicki cries about how if Tamra really loved her she'd love her decisions, a specious argument if I ever heard one, Heather goes to Tamra's room for a tête-à-tête, wisely taking her glass of champs with her. Tamra gives Shannon a pass for lashing out, given all that she has going on in her life. Lizzie, however, she thinks is simply a manipulating, lying bitch. Tamra tells Heather that if there's a pinch of truth in any of the accusations, it's been twisted, but mostly everything is lies.
Tamra also thinks that Vicki should have come to her directly with any problems, given how well they know each other. Meanwhile, Vicki mourns the loss of a friend as Shannon basically tells her she's better off without the likes of Tamra. As Vicki asks where they go from here, Heather gets the thrill of dropping a very actressy, "Where we go is, um…home. We go home."
Next week: Season finale! Wherein Terry says to David, "We have a term for you in medicine. It's called PENIS."
[Images via Bravo]
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