It's the final installment of the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion, which means everyone gets one last chance to tell Tamra what a monster she is! In the midst of it all, Tamra delivers one emphatic "FUCK YOU" to Vicki, who drops, "You're supposed to be getting better and better and better, but guess what? You get bitter and bitter and bitter." Put that in your insurance policy and smoke it!
So, what to do about Tamra and Vicki's escalating feud? On the one hand I feel like it should be thrilling, with these two titans of the OC duking it out with such vehemence that their faces nearly register actual expressions. On the other, Tamra and Vicki always strike me as being both more horrible AND more enjoyable when they're getting along, which is a winning combination in the magical, mystical land of Real Housewives (see: Ramonja.)
And though Tamra certainly deserves all the crap she's getting for being a liar and shit-stirrer, there was something about Vicki paraphrasing Sheryl Crow and asking Tamra, "If you're so happy, then why are you so miserable?" that made me feel a tinge of empathy for her. To add to the pro-Tamra argument, Vicki's vehemence is rooted in Tamra's dislike of Brooks—a thing we can all agree is just plain sensible. And when, in the middle of this conversation, Lizzie started to cry about how hurt she was by all the ugliness, Tamra was once again the voice of the people when she dropped a big old, "SHUT. UP! God. Just go sit over there."
There were other highlights, too!
Life Is Like a Bowl of Nine Lemons: Shannon stands behind her holistic endeavors, even though Andy notes they don't seem to prevent her from being a huge stressball. And apparently if you put nine lemons in a bowl, all the chemicals from hair dye won't ACTUALLY seep into your brain in too detrimental a fashion (despite what evidence to the contrary may have been on display during this entire season). We also learn that feng shui helps to sell insurance policies, which has made Vicki an enthusiast.
Christian's Boner Update: Though nobody specifically mentions Christian's apparent inability to get a weekly boner, we learn that he's been throwing Lizzie over the counter and filling up her "love tank" on the regular. Sadly, he's not there to talk about it, so we miss out on Andy Cohen saying something like, "Christian, Tracie from Rhode Island wants to know: How many boners are you now getting in an average week?"
Preparation for Next Season's Vow Renewal: Shannon is very happy to report that she and David are still sleeping in the same bed, and also going on vacations together. She readily admits that putting their horrorshow of a relationship on full display improbably brought them closer together, which brings on a sarcastic, "That would be a first," from Tamra. And the big, booming "YES" that you heard out of your window last night was the universe's response to Andy asking if anyone thinks Shannon shares too much information about her marriage.
Quoth the Robot Baby, Nevermore: So, apparently Tamra really is all set with the idea of having more babies, though she does NOT appreciate Lizzie saying she already has four kids and is almost 50 so should just accept that her ovaries have turned to dust. Andy asks Tamra about her ongoing custody battle with ex-husband Simon, which is apparently quite ugly. It turns out that Tamra has gotten support in unlikely corners, namely from former Housewife Jeana Keough. And even Vicki readily admits that despite being a festering, nasty pool of misery and bitterness, Tamra is a pretty amazing mother.
Roget Revisited: In response to accusations that she's condescending, pretentious, and uses words that Vicki and Tamra don't understand, Heather says the following: "It's the tone and timbre of my voice. And it's the cadence at which I speak. And it's my vocabulary. And it's the way I gesticulate with my hands." And then even I have to admit that she wins for serving up at least three words that Vicki is going to have to look up in the dictionary after the show. Vicki and Tamra both admit that they were too hard on Heather this season, which she appreciates because she's just trying to educate them, totally non-condescendingly.
Marry, Shag, Who Cares: Or, rather, can they just kill us all so we don't have to listen to Tamra and Lizzie scream at each other about whether Lizzie said that Eddie wanted to fuck or marry her? There is no definitive resolution to this argument (I for one was hoping for some sort of Zapruder-esque video evidence), though at various points in the argument former valedictorian Lizzie does use the word "disacknowledged" (a companion piece to her earlier dropping of the word "disgenuine"), imply that Tamra enjoys popping the more-than-occasional Xanax, and state plainly that Tamra is a bitter old lady. So all is not lost! Tamra zaps back by noting that Lizzie's kids punch her in the face and that she threatens to leave her husband because of his lame birthday party planning (and boner-generating) abilities, which lays the groundwork for Heather to eventually deliver a bedazzled box of tissues in Lizzie's direction.
Tamra Actually Apologizes: Tamra seems to have genuine remorse for blabbing details of Shannon's marriage troubles in Heather's direction and making her situation worse. Shannon has accepted this apology but notes that Tamra has talked subsequent shit about her, so she's not a particularly trustworthy chum. Tamra doesn't exactly deny this. She does, however, say that as opposed to Lizzie, who apparently is some sort of mastermind shit-stirrer in her own right, Shannon doesn't have a mean bone in her body and is a "soft, sweet soul." Well, I guess that's an upgrade from the "sad soul" that Tamra formerly accused Shannon of being!
Andy Cohen for the Win, Always: Quoth Andy Cohen, in the direction of Tamra Barney, "My Twitter timeline has been flooded asking what you've done to your face. You look settled today." You guys, he HATES her. When Tamra admits only to "plumping" her lips and laughlines, he says, "And the fillers," and then gives her full permission to joke about his eye. And after asking each Housewife to share what she's learned this season prior to downing a tequila shot, Andy shares his own revelation: "You know what I've learned? It took 9 seasons for Vicki Gunvalson to become the voice of reason on this show. You finally did it!" Underneath his jolly exterior, however, I think we can all agree that the message inherent in this statement is essentially that the end of days is imminent.
[Images via Bravo]
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