Yolanda Foster, you have a zillion dollars, a fridge full of lemons, and property so large you don't even know when a guy is selling hippie dresses on it. What in God's name are you doing roasting a chicken while wearing lingerie in front of television cameras?
Occasionally, one might make the mental note that the Real Housewives franchise is vaguely Shakespearean, and then file that note away under "Don't tell anyone I thought that." Who but the Bard, however, could adequately capture Kenya's feelings regarding accusations of whoredom?
The season five Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere featured the return of RHOBH OGs as guests at Kyle's White Party. But who gives a rat about Maloof's Hoofs when we have LISA EFFING RINNA dropping lines like, "I'm an entertainer, you know. I'm an actor/entertainer. I don't know what the fuck I am, really."
With an eight-year prison sentence looming, Phaedra's husband, Apollo, must figure that things can't get much worse. And so he apologizes to Kenya for lying to everyone IN THE WORLD about her trying to get into his pants. In the words of Peter Thomas, "You know we have to apologize to this chick because we've been looking at her like she's a ho for the last two years."
We have finally made it to the last episode of the last reunion special of Teresa Giudice's career as a Real Housewife. And though four-fifths of Teresa regrets ever coming on this show, it's oddly reassuring to hear her tell Andy Cohen that sure, he can visit her in prison. Maybe he'll even bring "Mazel" rocks glasses and an "I <3 Side Pony" t-shirt to keep her spirits up? Can you get away with a jolly round on the Jimmy Fallon shotski in the prison visitor's room?
So, a LOT of stuff went down with Phaedra and soon to be jailed husband Apollo on the Real Housewives of Atlanta premiere. But before we get to that, let's enjoy the palate cleansing sorbet that is Nene Leakes, newly employed as Cirque de Soleil's orgy ringmaster (seriously), clarifying her position on orgies.
Teresa Giudice may appear like a broken shell of a human after being sentenced to fifteen months in prison, but there's still a little fire inside. As evidence, watch her walk off set rather than engage in conversation with cousins Rosie and Kathy. Or maybe she really just wanted some gum?
For the sake of continuity, The Real Housewives of New Jersey finale did include Dina's Project Ladybug fundraiser and shenanigans therein. But Bravo knows that we're all just in this to see the Giudices go to jail, and so we were treated to real-time reactions to their sentencing.
Teresa Giudice may have apologized to a judge for committing umpteen counts of fraud, but she is sure as heck not going to apologize to the OTHER Teresa on the show for being the hearer and bearer of unsavory gossip. And frankly, it's kind of nice to see that table-flipping glint in her eye once again.
With significant prison sentences and possible deportation looming, Joe and Teresa Giudice send their four kids to grandma's and head to The Carlton in New York City, where Joe orders oysters since, "Maybe it will keep it up a little longer." And then he tells Teresa that she looks sexy, even at 60. Romance!
As if Teresa Giudice's week has not been bad enough, what with pleading guilty to multiple counts of loan and bankruptcy fraud, she must deal with the ignominy of having her workout interrupted by a call prying for salacious details of her impending imprisonment. And which inspector is at the other end of the phone?
Even the most diehard Real Housewives fan may, at this point, be wearying of the manifold beverage lines, truculent dinner parties, and doomed vacations that are the franchise's hallmarks. Thank goodness The Real Housewives of Melbourne has come along to make you fall in love with delusional ladies all over again!