Suits is back for its fourth season, and this time, everyone's going to the bone zone. Everyone except for Donna, that is. Conspiracy? Probably. Let's examine this further.
With Scottie gone to live her secret life as a Southern woman named Amantha (we've all watched Rectify and want to throw all the awards at it, correct?), Harvey is having sex with ladies and not giving a damn if he's on time for work. It's a real downward spiral, and if he's not careful, he's going to be the wrong woman. Probably. The way this entire episode went, if he and Jessica don't get it on by the end of the season, it will show amazing restraint on the show's part.
Meanwhile, Jessica is banging new attorney, Jeff Malone (played by D.B. Woodside). If we can talk in Buffyisms for a moment, that means Jasmine and Principal Robin Wood are finally getting it on, just like some very niche segment of the population probably always wanted. It's a romance for the ages, with Malone essentially using Jessica's relationship to blackmail her into hiring them, and if that doesn't raise any real red flags, then sex dumbness must be a reality.
Mike and Rachel are still having all of the couples sex, but with Mike's new hot assistant and Brendan Hines as Logan Sanders, the married man Rachel had the affair with, it looks like it won't be couples sex for long. No, that doesn't mean foursome sex; This isn't Nip/Tuck. Kudos to the show for not dragging out that Logan Sanders bomb for half the season, but there's no doubting it's only going to lead to petty jealousy and all that "fun" stuff.
Meanwhile, Donna gets nothing. Sure, Katrina and Louis are off not having sex too, but Louis just had Sheila Sazs all last season, and I'm pretty sure Katrina transcends sex, however one does that. Are we to believe that only British villains find Donna sexy? Inconceivable.
Guys, remember when Suits was a legal drama? Sure, we have the Mike/Harvey/Logan situation, but come on, the only characters really doing any legal work this episode were Louis and Katrina, and that was because of their lack of sex. Mike Ross isn't even a "lawyer" anymore, and Rachel treats going to law school like Buster Bluth treated going to Army. No one's asking for The Good Wife here, although it would be awesome if Suits all of a sudden became The Good Wife. Donna would honestly make a better—albeit sexless—Kalinda at this point.
Also, show of hands: How many people actually admire Mike Ross' inability to be professional and instead turn every case he has, whether it be as a lawyer or as an investment banker, into a charitable moment? Do you also find investment banking fun to watch? Is investment banking secretly fun to watch? When is Scottie coming back?
A picture is worth a thousand words, so consider all of those pictures of Louis Litt a short story.
[Images via USA]