[There was a video here]

Derec is a 22-year-old college baseball player with assssssss. He hates his butt, as evidenced by his telling his story on last night’s True Life: I Hate My Butt. Funny, I think he hates it as much as I love it.

Derec says his bubble butt gets him unwanted attention that includes grabbing, slapping, and name-calling. As he tells a hypnotist he visits to help him cope, he doesn’t like the lack of control he feels in these situations of nonconsensual grab-ass. “All I want is the respect of my peers and to wear a normal pair of pants,” he says while swimsuit shopping.

Derec never discusses the advantages of having a perfectly round baseball butt. Maybe he doesn’t see it this way, but I feel like in terms of attracting a mate, a big ass must be a big asset. Unlike a big dick, which may scare some partners away, a big butt will at worst be met with apathy. Otherwise, Derec’s the caboose of the Enthusiasm Express. Given the popularity of rimming these days with people of all stripes, you know that Derec can get his ass eaten by whomever he pleases whenever. Who wouldn’t want to stick their face in that?

I don’t mean to laugh or lust at his pain (which, honestly, may have been sort of beefed up to appear on TV, as many of his candid conversations seemed stilted). Derec’s experiences sound potentially annoying or whatever but as someone who fights for every muscle fiber he builds, I feel like Derec lives in a Bizarro World. It was also telling that the two other people on this episode—both women—were bending over backward (and whatever other direction they thought would help) to make their asses bigger. Not being happy with what you have is a cornerstone of the human condition.

Watching Derec diet and down spicy food to lose weight (thus his butt, he thought), I felt like Sir Mix-a-Lot: “You can do side bends and sit-ups, but please don’t lose that butt, Derec!” I think what I hate more than Derec’s lack of appreciation for God’s generous gift is that it made me really relate to a song that is, at this point, entirely over-referenced twice over (thanks to “Anaconda”).

Maybe big male butts are a problem, and this True Life episode just didn’t do a good job of convincing me. Maybe Derec is just being a brat. Maybe for him, embracing his butt (which he seems to have done by the episode’s end) is the final frontier of self-acceptance. Certainly, his situation led to some terrific quotes (“I do have an abnormally large derrière”) and a very happy resolution: