The producers of ABC's Celebrity Wife Swap gave the people what they came to see last night with this footage of Spencer Pratt getting attacked by a furious German Shepherd.
"I really don't know if more reality is going to be good for us, Heidi. I'll have to be the bad guy because that's my brand at this point. 'Crazy Crystals Spencer'. That's who they're going to want on the show. There's no way to get out from under that Hills shit and it kills me, babe. It kills me."
"I know, I know honey. It isn't fair. But realistically, the episode fee will cover the down payment for a duplex. We can stage all your crystal stuff in like two rooms of the house and no one will be able to tell we just moved in."
"I just don't like it. Who did the producers say we'd be swapping with anyway?"
"Some Olympian, I don't know sports people. But they were thinking you could be like, 'no girl could beat me at anything' and then she'd beat you at whatever her Olympic sport is."
"Wow. So I'm a full on misogynist now?"
"Well you know, your character is misogynist, like you said, it's your Hills character. Just like, spoiled and entitled...and unemployed...and you just eat burritos. It's acting baby, and you're such an amazing actor honey, you really are."
"...And then they were thinking maybe an FBI K-9 dog could, um, maybe interact with you?"
"What do you mean, 'interact'?"
"The producer I spoke with said they'd talked about how it would be really funny and dynamic to get footage of you like...getting um, getting attacked by a dog?"
"Christ." There's a long pause, and a sigh that contains the quiet calculation of several bills, bills which have been silently compounding interest for a few years, a quiet undertow which drags Spencer with invisible but unshakable force from the lighter moments of his days, back into the darkness.
"How much was it again?" Spencer asks tensely.
"Enough, honey. It was enough."
There's the rustling sound of Pratt rolling over in bed, curling into himself. Then, her voice fluttering like a butterfly, Heidi whispers,
"I didn't want to bring this up but the fee would be enough to fix the jaw implant...the one that's been...you know, slipping when I eat."
"We'll do it." Spencer says quickly. He says it without resentment but with fierce determination as both his arms surround Heidi, drawing her close. He remembers the days he couldn't touch her, when she was healing, and suppresses a sob. "We'll do it. We'll call them first thing tomorrow. Bring on the dogs! The Olympians, the burritos, whatever they want. Okay babe? Whatever they want. We got this."
Heidi's smile is framed by two trails of tears, glistening in the dark. She swallows hard, then manages, "...I love you Spencer."
"I love you too Heidi." Spencer says. "I love you too."
[Image, video via ABC]