Sonja's a Mean Drunk on Real Housewives of New York

It's time for that mid-season transition, when we move from feeling mostly amused and only slightly worried about Sonja to becoming a fair bit worried and…well, still mostly amused. Also, how did Ramona get pegged as the racist this episode when Sonja said her neighbors would assume Cody was a drug dealer?

Maybe Sonja was ACTUALLY making some pointed cultural commentary on the racism of her Upper East Side neighbors, who would assume that any young African-American woman sitting in Sonja's courtyard with bags of Swarovski crystals was up to no good? Too much credit, I know. Also, if the neighbors haven't yet managed to call the cops on Sonja herself, I don't think they're all that reactionary. In any case, poor Cody!

Sonja's a Mean Drunk on Real Housewives of New York

Cody (who is Aviva's creep father George's new and much younger fiancée) and Aviva have come to Sonja's not only so Sonja can get a free manicure, but so she and Aviva can ask a few questions. And sadly for us, these questions are mostly about George's sexual prowess. This is what happens when you let Sonja drive the inquisition! Cody says she's very satisfied with George, adding that he's experienced and knows a woman. She also adds, "Of course!" when Sonja asks if he uses equipment. EQUIPMENT? George apparently doesn't want Cody to have children until she's 35, and plans to freeze his DNA for her in case he's kicked the bucket by then. (FINGERS CROSSED.) And one of my top three moments of the episode is the interview of Sonja in which she drinks a Diet Coke from one hand, holds a Starbucks cup in the other, and marvels aloud that Cody is willing to put George's frozen sperm-pop in her lady parts. Sonja is truly the straw that stirs the drink!

Sonja's a Mean Drunk on Real Housewives of New York

It turns out that Cody owns a chain of very successful nail salons in Miami and, at least to Aviva, doesn't appear to be with George for his money. In sad news, both of Cody's parents recently passed away. This becomes relevant at an engagement party that Aviva holds for George and Cody, which of course takes place at the Museum of Sex. Harry Dubin is Sonja's date, and when she says the museum is for sexual deviants like him, he brings up her request for cherry condoms. Quoth Sonja: "I get hungry, I get nervous, I like to eat things." These two really are meant for each other, as evidenced by the interlude in which Harry gazes upon a photo of a sea lion masturbating and quietly muses, "That's really wonderful."

Sonja's a Mean Drunk on Real Housewives of New York

At the party, George meets Kristen for the first time and sexually molests her, as is his custom. Kristen, Carole and Heather display the mixture of amusement and horror that dictates most reactions to anything involving George, but Ramona comes in ready for a fight. We're reminded of their history, when George grabbed Ramona's arm at a charity event and then called her a trailer turd. Awful senile people say the darndest things! (This includes Ramona.) Ramona thinks that George is a creepy horrorshow (which is 100% correct) and disapproves of the 58-year age difference between him and Cody. Meanwhile, Sonja emphatically implores Ramona to not mention Cody's dead parents under any circumstances.

So of course, within three seconds of meeting her, Ramona says to Cody, "I know you have no parents, right?" Sonja is appropriately horrified, and Cody heads to the bathroom to cry. Ramona has basically pegged Cody as having daddy issues (and quite possibly being a golddigger, though she likes her "aura"). George is pissed, calls Ramona garbage and a bitch, and busts out with, "You know what happens to bitches? They get fucked by dogs." If anyone is going to work his hardest to make Ramona Singer look sympathetic, it's George. When Cody tells the other ladies about the incident with Ramona, Carole simply asks, "Did she throw a glass at you?" Way to put things in perspective!

We then get a short interlude where Sonja and LuAnn go on a bike ride together! Biking with the Countess involves packing a tablecloth for your picnic in the park AND wearing a kicky neckerchief! What a perfectly lovely afternoon!

Sonja's a Mean Drunk on Real Housewives of New York

Sonja recounts the events of the engagement party, saying that Cody kept her composure and no violence occurred. Quoth LuAnn: "You can see how low our standards have gotten with Ramona. It's considered a successful event if somebody hasn't clocked Ramona for something inappropriate." LuAnn wonders why Sonja puts up with Ramona's madness and Sonja, ever pure of heart, simply says, "She's my friend." Despite her forthcoming drunken rage and previous racist remarks (AND the beaver flash she gives us next week, oy), I can't help but love Sonja, truly and deeply. If she ran a Kickstarter to get hot water back in her house, I'd probably donate like fifteen bucks at least.

And then it's time for a trip to Saratoga! LuAnn has invited the ladies to come up and enjoy some horse racing, and happily for them neither Ramona nor Aviva could make it. Sonja has brought her nipple covers and requests a mint julep at 10 a.m., so you know things are gonna get crunk (even though everyone looks totally fly and elegant).

Sonja's a Mean Drunk on Real Housewives of New York

But FIRST things get crunk in the NYC when Ramona shows up at Aviva's house with flowers—once again not in a vase because she never read LuAnn's book!—and apologizes for making Cody cry. George shows up and she apologizes to him too, before saying that if he truly loved Cody he wouldn't allow her to be with his cretinous self. A fair point, I say! She also hopes that Avery is never taken in by some lecherous man like George. Aviva says, "I don't think it's nice that you called him lecherous. That's not a nice word." But it is perfectly accurate and factual and descriptive! In fact, I called him lecherous last week, in the first sentence of my recap!

George then accuses Ramona of being racist, apparently because he hasn't realized that Ramona is just equal-opportunity rude to EVERYONE. And then, because she can't stand being sympathetic for even a minute, Ramona says, "Do you want to rob the cradle? Should we just give you a newborn to do?" To recap: Ramona literally just asked George if he wanted to have sex with a baby. And THEN things get worse when Ramona, upon hearing that Cody may one day utilize George's sperm-pop to have a baby, asks if George even has any sperm left. He says, "Let's try it. You determine how do you want to do it, on your knees or on your back." WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK?

Sonja's a Mean Drunk on Real Housewives of New York

Oh, but there's more! George continues, "Do you know what I'm going to do at your funeral? I'm gonna lick my lips and put my hand on your vagina." It bears repeating: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK? And to the producers of this show: This is too much. Seriously, this guy has gotta go. I watch Real Housewives for gay pet funerals, not creepy old guys threatening to sexually assault someone after they're dead. It's not cute, it's horrible. END IT. Aviva lamely tries to mediate the situation by saying, "Can you not talk about my friend's vagina? Can you take it back?" There is no taking it back. I REPEAT: END IT.

And then we're back to Saratoga! Sonja loves the hats! The dresses! The elegance! The cash flow! The ladies meet the winner of the Kentucky Derby, which of course segues into speculation about the penis size of short people. Lu generously says that everyone is the same size laying down, to which Sonja replies, "Lu, that little jockey next to you? You'd roll over and kill him!" With her pumpkin head! Can we also just talk about LuAnn's body for a minute? Whatever diet and exercise regimen she's on, I want to know, because she looks freaking fantastic.

Sonja thinks she's an expert on betting at horses and that no one else knows what they're dong. So when the other ladies collectively put down a couple hundred dollars on a particular line-up, Sonja opts out and instead bets two dollars on, like, fifty horses. And then—CRUEL FATE!—the other ladies win a collective $3,340 while Sonja wins bupkis. Her $800 share could have gotten her hot water for a month, or cherry condoms for a year, or like six linger-ee inspired camisoles! It actually made me really sad.

Sonja's a Mean Drunk on Real Housewives of New York

Sonja then wanders off to drink tequila and get betting tips from random burly dudes. The others can't find her and try texting her to no avail, so eventually they come to the logical conclusion that she's probably banging a jockey, and leave. And you honestly can't blame them. Well, I mean, SONJA can blame them. She shows up at the house hours later, completely shitfaced and calling them all bitches for ditching her. She says the word "paddock" a bunch of times and I'm not sure what that means, but what I DO know is that everyone is all set with Sonja being a mean drunk. Sonja gets into it with basically just about everyone, and when Kristen tries to be sympathetic and help her, Sonja tells her to go fuck herself. She gets her finger REAL CLOSE to Kristen's face, which is like a Molotov cocktail for reality TV stars.

Sonja's a Mean Drunk on Real Housewives of New York

Sonja gets VERY Little Edie up in the joint, fixing her messed up hair (…because she was totally boning a jockey) and muttering "I was with all the girls and THEY left" to herself in the mirror. She then packs her things and stumbles out of the house, saying, "I'm outta here. I'm going straight to the Hamptons." But we ALL KNOW that Sonja has no private plane and is just bluffing. Based on the previews for next week, she doesn't stay mad for long and we are treated to the origin story of the infamously depressing tag line, "Sometimes Sonja has to go commando. What can I say?"

[Image via Bravo]

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