And with moves like hers, how could Sonja NOT "accidentally steal" someone's man? She goes from crazy dancing to passionate air guitar to making out with strangers and friends to air drums on Heather's butt to a classic beaver shot, all with uncommon grace and fluidity. Elegance is learned, my friends!
So, as you may have guessed, Sonja decided to stay in Saratoga. The other ladies enacted the positively brilliant strategy of just ignoring her when she huffed out of the door with bags packed. After trying to explain what a paddock is to LuAnn's limo driver, Sonja calmly comes back inside, says that when the ladies won $3,000 it was the epitome, then forgets why she was mad in the first place when they offer to let her spend the money with them. As a final peace offering, she farts, then LITERALLY cuts the cheese. (!!!!!!!!!)
And I KNOW that Sonja is occasionally horrible in this episode, but I still love her with my heart. Sometimes I see her as my Ghost of Christmas Future, which SHOULD be alarming, but which I feel more or less fine about. To be honest, my only real issue with Sonja's Saratoga rager is that she wasn't wearing a more flattering ensemble.
Meanwhile, Ramona does a lot of boring stuff with Avery this episode. Parallel parking. Pillow shopping. It's like when she's not getting drunk with Sonja she loses all of her powers!
Back in New York City, LuAnn has a charity fashion show to benefit women with cancer. There are models including Kristen and a SPECIAL SECRET GUEST! Who is wearing a crazy combo Scream/Phantom mask to hide her identity! AS IF WE DON'T RECOGNIZE THOSE LINEBACKER SHOULDERS, BRAVO!
Yes, Al Sharpton, the secret special guest is one Miss Kelly Killoren Bensimon! Ramona wonders what's so special about Kelly, and then as if to school her we have a flashback to Scary Island, also known as the pinnacle of all human history. Oh, the times we had back then! Days of innocence and delight! Kelly is totally normal and great, and Carole loves her for being able to hold a conversation that isn't all about herself (and instead is all about Carole).
But Kelly isn't the real focus of the charity event. Nor is helping women with cancer! Aviva arrives with a square hairdo that makes her look like Herman Munster (and not just Herman Munster shoes) and promptly recognizes that ex-Miss USA Nana Meriwether is in attendance. This is the very same ex-Miss USA with whom her father, George and his fiancé, Cody, just had a threesome. ALLEGEDLY.
Aviva is so scandalized that she HAS to text Heather the news immediately, and then make a big deal about it until everyone else asks to see the text. All while HollywoodLife.com editor-in-chief Bonnie Fuller is telling a poignant story of her own mother's battle with cancer! And let me tell you, LuAnn is PEEVED at all this inappropriate sex-fueled tittering, and will address it with Aviva at a later date—one that is sanctioned by the rules of engagement laid out in Class with the Countess, of course.
Ramona is suspicious and wonders if George made up the whole story, but he apparently swore on Aviva's good leg, which means it MUST be true. But Inspector Singer finds grounds for an immediate investigation, and we see her approaching Miss USA's table. And didn't you feel ten kinds of dread inside when we saw her sauntering over there?
Through intensive (yet relatively calm) questioning, Ramona uncovers that Miss USA never actually went to Aviva's house, though she was invited by Cody. And she CERTAINLY did not have a threesome with Cody and George. As Ramona asks, why on earthy would an ex-Miss USA who is gorgeous beyond words ever be with George, a noted creepy lech? And part of why we all hate Aviva is because no one needs this shit. We could have had ten more minutes of Sonja drunk-dancing in Saratoga. Stop wasting our time, Leg!
Oh but THEN. Kristen shows up at Sonja's house for a facial, only to find that Sonja isn't there. Intern Pickles reveals that she hasn't come home from the night before, and Kristen worries that Sonja might be in a ditch somewhere. If she is, I'm sure she's having the time of her life. Eventually Sonja sneaks in wearing dark glasses and a men's t-shirt over her ripped dress, telling Pickles that she didn't get drunk, but rather went all night with some guy she's super hot for. And really, poor Pickles. The things she must see and hear!
Sonja flashes her beav again for good measure, then tells us, "Okay, so I had a walk of shame. I admit it. I live for the walk of shame. Actually, I call it more of a victory lap."
But this minor scandal pales to all the tea that facialist Satoko Yamazaki spills on Sonja's rooftop. First, she brings up Johnny Depp lookalike Tomas from St. Barths. Quoth Sonja: "The one LuAnn nailed first." Yup. According to Satoko, LuAnn does whatever she wants to do, and also has a fetish around dominating short French men in the bedroom. Sonja is not saying if it's true or not, and just wants Lu to enjoy herself. And really…don't we all?
The big bomb, though, is that—according to Satoko and not denied by Sonja—Sonja totally banged Carole's ex-boyfriend Russ (the Aerosmith one) one drunken night in California. WHILE HE AND CAROLE WERE STILL TOGETHER!
This news is so hot that Satoko has to immediately cover Sonja's face with whole-bellied black market placenta to stop her from making more incriminating expressions. And I mean…WHAT? This whole thing seems very improbable, but also WHY would Sonja ever make this up? And how does Satoko know everything about everyone in New York? (Answer: Obviously Sonja tells her.)
Kristen has a tete-a-tete with Lu and Carole where she is about to drop this news, but not before the ladies can discuss Aviva. And Carole has the most cogent soliloquy about Aviva, which I must now present to you verbatim:
"That is what she does. She behaves in a disgusting, gross way. She talks about sexual stuff because she thinks it's provocative and it makes her interesting. She is not interesting. She is a thumping bore. She is not fooling anybody with her buttoned up look and her big bun hair."
Indeed! Both women (along with the nation) agree that Aviva is gross. And since LuAnn didn't invite Miss USA to the luncheon, they deduce that Aviva DID, just to set up this threesome situation. Which is totally believable, because Aviva is HORRIBLE.
And then Kristen reveals the gossip from Sonja's roof. Upon hearing that she has a small Frenchman fetish, Lu just says, "Who is this crazy bitch?" She's talking about Satoko, but also probably about Sonja. Carole absolutely doesn't believe that Russ slept with Sonja, saying that she's not his type and also Sonja just has an insatiable need for attention. They all agree that Kristen's skin looks great, though.
Finally, it is time for LuAnn to confront Aviva about issues of lunch etiquette. She does it at this random art-viewing party that Aviva has at her house. The purpose of this party is of great confusion to all of the other Housewives, and Aviva says that she's "opening up a discourse of opinions." Man, does she give Vassar a bad name. No one is excited to go to Aviva's house, where bad, horrible things happen, always.
In front of a piece by emerging artist Victoria de Lesseps, LuAnn asks Aviva directly if she invited Miss USA to the charity lunch. Aviva denies it, as is her custom, and then LuAnn actually says, ""Well, Aviva, I mean I would believe you except for the fact that you were passing around a text message that she had bonked your father a couple of nights before in a threesome in your house." A pox on Aviva for forcing the Countess to utter these words in succession! Aviva yells, "I DID NOT INVITE THAT WOMAN TO YOUR PARTY" in a manner totally reminiscent of "I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN," which is not helping her case.
Aviva claims that all she did was send Heather a text saying that Miss USA "did a threesome" with her father and Cody, which Heather then shared of her own volition. (Heather obviously calls bullshit on THAT later.) Lu points out that Aviva should be disgusted by her gross dad (TOUCHÉ), and also that a LADIES LUNCHEON is no place for vulgarity! Aviva claims that LuAnn is being judgey, THEN really crosses the line when she points to Victoria's painting and says, "Your own daughter is making art about sex."
LuAnn has had enough, and her final word on the matter is, "He can have sex with whoever he wants. But just don't share it with my friends at lunch!" As is often the case, Sonja speaks for us all by saying, "This is why I drink when I see you bitches!"
Next week: Aviva takes to her asthma inhaler in a bid for our sympathy, and the ladies terrorize Montana!
[Images via Bravo]
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