​Pretty Little Liars Premiere Makes Murderers of Children

The Twitterverse was alive with the sound of infinite teens screaming last night, as is the case every Tuesday when Pretty Little Liars makes its rounds. Would Ezra's tiny body make it through getting shot in the gut? Did he really know who A was this time, or was it the usual, and if so, would he be able to tell the Liars in time? What is Melissa Hastings on about now? What would the ladies do, if their problems just suddenly went away? And how long will it take for CeCe Drake to escape lockup? All of these questions were answered, mostly in hilarious ways.

While A hitches a ride to the hospital with Ezra, the better to creep around in a hoodie and mask and hopefully murder him, the girls hatch a plan. I don't really understand what the plan was, but there was definitely a plan. First they sent Aria to the hospital because she was clearly going to be of no help, then they sent Alison wandering around the darkened streets of New York City to get murdered by the person who is always trying to murder her. Then they got whammied by that person, who is always ten steps ahead of them.

Then they hid in a Broadway theatre owned by Ezra's family, taking phone calls with abandon so everybody would know where they were so they could come murder them. Shana, former Halloween Store employee and current devotee of blowed-up blind girl Jenna's sexy charms, has gone around the bend and decided to take all these bitches out for good. Luckily, Aria discovers her gift for violence, and makes short work of the young lady. It's a well-known fact that it's bad form to be a man in Rosewood, due to being automatically a pervert, but I gotta say: Not so great for the POC's, either. Maybe that's just Pennsylvania for ya.

Now, under the absolutely ludicrous belief that they are safe, they're heading back home. I was going to say that Ali should get her GED because it will probably take less time than making up for the thirty years of high school she missed, but then I remembered none of these chicks is going to graduate anyway, so maybe they can start their own homeschool. Like the X-Men, but for girls who do not always proceed with their own best interests in mind.

Lots more below, but also: Melissa and Peter Hastings are still keeping their secret about the girl who is in Ali's grave; Noel Khan helps Alison bequeath the Vivian Darkbloom identity to CeCe Drake so she can go be nuts in Paris; and Melissa and Paige are both joining Lucas in Mona Vanderwaal's Army. Nobody's happy about Alison's return, there are at least thirty A's in various coalitions, and it's only a matter of time before the Liars realize they have solved a negative number of their total problems.

[All images via ABC Family]

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