Lizzie may have bored the crap out of us for much of this season, but she surely speaks the truth when saying, "If you look at the top red flags of a sociopath, Tamra's got a couple of them down pat." Though honestly, if we give the finale dinner party a close viewing, who among the OC Housewives doesn't?
In all seriousness, can you imagine if real-life dinner parties were like Real Housewives dinner parties? We'd all be agoraphobic! We'd take a Xanax at the first hint of an invite! There would be a nation-wide ban on steak knives! An elegantly folded napkin would throw us into a panic attack!
This finale dinner is hosted by Vicki, who thought a Bali-themed event would be just the ticket given what a wonderful time everyone had and how much they all embraced the Balinese culture and environment. It provides the perfect setting for Housewives and husbands to review grievances old and grievances older and grievances that any normal human would have resolved six episodes ago. Here's a rundown of where things stand.
Tamra and Heather: Prior to the dinner party these two talked and cleared the air, with Heather "going to the source" about the accusations that Tamra wasn't her real friend and "believing her." Mostly, this all just seemed like a vehicle to re-ignite Heather's grievances with Shannon, explored in glorious detail below.
The Beadors: Hey! They're sleeping in the same bed again! This clearly helps them to maintain a common front in the war against the Dubrows, explored in glorious detail below.
Vicki and Tamra: Like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton between their first and second marriages, these two are doomed but also probably soulmates and will never truly be torn asunder. They more or less resolve their differences around Brooks, and will live to collectively offend all living creatures both domestic and international for the rest of their days.
Brooks and Human Decency: When Vicki says her dress is business in the front and party in the back, Heather replies, "Tonight I think you're party in the front AND party in the back." Replies Brooks, "You know what, I'll let you know in the morning." His remark does take an unexpectedly chivalrous turn, as it allows us to hear only half of Vicki saying something about not wanting to look like a vagina.
The Beadors and the Dubrows, Part I: Upon entering the party, David immediately walks up to the Beadors and apologizes for yelling gross things to Heather during her groundbreaking party. Vicki, ever the peacemaker, chimes in with, "You have to spread your legs to go on the bull!" When Terry says that his kids and 80-year old mother were at the party, David reiterates his apology. For this event that happened three months ago. That nobody brought up until Heather needed another reason to hate Shannon. In response to David's multiple apologies, the Dubrows look like this:
So don't check that one off as "resolved" just quite yet.
Vicki and Cotton Underpants: Vicki will never cease her war against cotton underpants and is aghast upon learning that Shannon still owns some, saying, "If you get in a car accident when they take your clothes off you want to look cute underneath there!" So, yes, if you're keeping track, Vicki has progressed to offending inanimate objects now.
Lizzie and Tamra: Marry-Shag-Kill-Gate will never cease! Tamra brings it up again and Terry, who can't stop himself from getting all up in women's business, notes that Lizzie did, in fact say "fuck" and not "marry" when referring to Eddie. And then Christian, who is awesome and my personal MVP of the season despite his inability to get a once-weekly boner, says, "The whole point is it doesn't fucking matter." In the end, Lizzie basically interviews something about Tamra being an old hag and Tamra calls Lizzie "Kentucky Fried Titties," so we can also keep this one firmly in the "unresolved" category.
Tamra and Shannon: These two don't really get into it, though Tamra does say at one point that she'd like to regain Shannon's trust. Maybe they'll be able to bond over those new cheeks that Shannon got?
Heather and Shannon: Shannon went into this party thinking that she and Heather might be on the road to a legitimate friendship. But it turns out that whatever crystals are in her teeth are NOT picking up the right signals. Heather thinks that Shannon has a habit of turning the women against one another, and also reiterates that Shannon screamed at her. Shannon can't believe she has to apologize to Heather AGAIN, but also found some sort of inner peace and/or the right medication cocktail in Bali. So no one threatens to call the ambulance on her, though you KNOW Heather had her fingers crossed on that one.
Terry and David: So, look. I know some of you really love Terry, but this guy is being kind of a bitch, right? First of all, he's complaining about getting a BS apology from David three months after the fact, when nobody even knew there was an issue until three months after the fact despite Terry allegedly being VERY, VERY IRATE. David, who is also kind of creepy if we're being fair, can't even believe that he has to deal with this. When Terry says of Spread-Your-Legs-Gate, "You were either drunk or stupid or both for doing that," David doesn't waste a beat in replying, "It's probably both."
And then fucking Terry says that David is a construction guy and probably used to "hollaback girl crap." Shannon gets very wide-eyed at this remark, and Christian—who continues his streak of awesomeness—puts up his hand and says he's a construction guy too. Apparently offended at what he interprets as a smirk from David, Terry busts out with, "That's funny, smile David. We have a term for you in medicine, it's called PENIS." And if Terry is going to play the smarts card against David, he could at LEAST have worked on a better line. He had three months, after all!
Terry THEN uses the word "sardonic" and tells David he might want to look it up, with Heather adding that she'll buy him a thesaurus. When David takes sardonic umbrage at being called a dumb construction guy Heather's eyes turn into little slits and she angrily posits that that's not what Terry said (even though, actually, it was). Christian then wins the entire season as, when David turns to him for backup, he says, "I zoned out like five minutes ago. I'm sorry."
And then everyone watches a slideshow from their wonderful trip to Bali, and as usual Heather and Terry's spirits are lifted by seeing images of themselves on a screen.
Sociopathic Mothers and their Weary Children: And then it seems like things are over but they're NOT, because there's a whole extra fifteen minutes of Vicki and Tamra losing their shit over the fact that their children have actual lives. Tamra's son Ryan prepares to move north with his fiancée. In response to Tamra's inconsolable sobbing, he tells her to calm down because he hates crying. So, hope you enjoyed that tender moment.
In all fairness, Tamra is extra-emotional given that she's going through a tough child custody battle with her ex, Simon. This almost makes a game of Shag-Marry-Kill seem inconsequential, no? Tamra is also going to be a grandmother, which sounds only slightly less enjoyable than parenting a robot baby.
Vicki also says goodbye to Briana, Ryan and Baby Troy, who are moving to Oklahoma. You'd think that they were being sent to the electric chair, judging from her reaction. Briana seems completely unemotional and rather eager to drive off, for which you can't blame her. As they leave Vicki chokes out a dramatic, "There goes my life!" then aimlessly rambles about her house drinking coffee out of a styrofoam cup. Her final word on the matter is, "How am I gonna sell insurance today?"
Next week the reunion starts! Until then, enjoy this montage of Housewife apologies. Oklahomans, note that you've got a big one coming to you.
[ Images via Bravo]
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